Life has been continuing on. Sometimes I've been tagging along and other times I seem to get left behind. I've convinced myself that I am on a journey to something so fantastic that I will look back and decide everything I'm going through was worth it. I'm not there yet.
Time for an update of what I've been doing.
The last few months have been like I expected. I knew that I would feel intense emotions at inconvenient times. I figured I would over-react to some things and under-react to others. I was surprised that I made it through the holidays relatively unscathed. There were moments of joy and moments of agony. I actually laughed at myself on Valentines Day. And I decided to experiment with dating again (I'll write a post about what a joke that turned out to be later) I have also been in counseling which has helped a lot. I feel like I am slowly making progress and I'm happy with that for now.
Now back to the present.
This week has been a bit of a struggle. And by a bit, I mean a huge struggle. Today is the 10 month anniversary. I know it's just another anniversary but I still hurt with each passing one. I hate the 26th, it is the worst day on the calendar. I will never plan a big event on the 26th.
In addition to the anniversary, it is Quinn's birthday this weekend. He would be 35 years old. I have been dreading his birthday for 10 months. I don't want to deal with it, I want to just sleep through it. I hate that I'm going to visit him in a cemetery on his birthday instead having wacky cake with his family. I hate it more than I've hated any other day thus far. I have thought about it since the first of this month. I knew it was coming soon and with it an onslaught of uncontrollable emotions. I have spent my time trying to think of what I'm going to do to make it special but not too difficult. I'm still drawing a blank. I haven't got a clue how to handle it.
To make matters even worse, his airplane was put up for sale today. I have written about his beloved plane many times before. About the battle I fought to steal Quinn's heart from it, about how much I love it and about how I thought I'd feel when it eventually went up for sale. I thought I would feel a tinge of sadness and then move on. I thought I'd be happy that it would bring enjoyment to someone else. I am surprised by how wrong I was.
My heart stopped when I spotted it in the classified ads. It's yet another blow to my already broken heart. I knew it would be sold and I understand that it should be sold. But I can't help feeling that it's another piece of him that we will never get back. It was such a huge part of his life, of our lives. I already said goodbye to that gorgeous airplane and it was devastating. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I could make a simple phone call and see it again. I took comfort knowing that Quinn's best friend was caring for it. I know that he values that airplane as much as I do. I know he has countless memories associated with that plane just like me.
Now, I only have hope to rely on. I hope that whoever buys it will appreciate the fine craftsmanship that built it. I hope the new owner will have a sense of respect and reverence for it. I hope it brings the new owner as much joy as it brought Quinn. I hope the new owner will come to love that plane as much as I do.
This one's for you Mighty Q. May your beloved creation taste the skies again in peace and happiness. I love you, forever and always.
