Once again it has been forever since I have updated this blog. I would love to say I won't let it happen again but lets face it, it probably will.
First on the list for an update, the 1 year anniversary. I petitioned my family members for ideas as to what we should do that day. I had decided that I was tired of being sad all the time and I wanted to try and make a good memory out of a crappy day. My aunt came up with the brilliant idea of going to Lagoon. I wanted to keep the group small so it was just me, Parker, my mom, aunt and uncle. We got up early and got on the road before I really had time to feel sad. The idea was to have so much fun that I wouldn't wallow in my sorrows. It worked!
We spent the day laughing and having fun like a bunch of kids. Parker loved it too. He got to ride almost every ride because he's so tall. We ate a ton of junk food, my mom tried not to puke on the Tilt o Whirl, Parker drove the bumper cars like a mad man, and I didn't feel sad.
I am so lucky to have such an amazing family. They sacrificed their days off to come help me make the day a good one. I couldn't have hoped for a better day. I got to spend the day with the people I love the most in this world, having fun and loving life. I think Quinn would be really proud me. He never was one to sit and feel sorry for himself. And I'd like to think he was watching us the whole time, laughing right along with us. I missed him that day and I still miss him everyday. But I'm finally starting to move on. For so long I've felt stagnant, it's nice to feel myself moving forward for a change.
Over the last 2 months I've been finding myself doing things I haven't done since Quinn died. Each time I think to myself "I haven't done this in over a year" and it is so wonderful. Last week for example, I went to eat at La Cocina. It's the best Mexican restaurant in the valley. Quinn and I would eat there almost every Thursday. I thoroughly enjoyed every bite, I had forgotten how good it was. Another milestone, I haven't cried for almost 2 months. I remember thinking making it 5 minutes was awesome, I've come a long way.
There are some things that I still do obsessively. Like check the NTSB site everyday. And can I just say, I'm getting really frustrated. It's been 14 months, and still the accident report hasn't been updated. It's not even on the list of investigations nearing completion. I know that it takes time, and there is a process. The office probably has a ton of investigations going on at one time. I'm trying to be patient. But it is starting to get really ridiculous. Seriously, don't they know that we have been waiting long enough? I want to just call them up and say "Pull the lead out already! I'm done waiting." Of course I know that I wouldn't actually get through to anyone if I called. And it wouldn't make a difference anyway. What do you do right?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Two Days Left
I have two days left until I've made it a year. I'm trying to look at the first anniversary as an accomplishment and I am beginning to let go. As my girlfriends would say, it's time to "put on my big girl pants" and move on. I am being careful that I don't rush myself but I also want to avoid becoming stagnant.
I feel the need to say thank you to everyone who has helped me make it to this point. I am far stronger now than I ever thought I'd be and it's mostly because of the people around me. From the second we found out about the accident I haven't been alone. Whether it was friends reaching out from a distance, or family sitting in my living room or co-workers that covered for me when I had to step away and cry. I have had continual support throughout this whole journey.
I have made some amazing friends (Kirsten) and strengthened friendships I already had (Allison). I've gained strength from women I've never met but secretly admired (Kelly). I have realized an appreciation for the incredible women in my life (Mom, Angela & Glenda). I cannot express how much you all mean to me. How much your words and patience have helped me begin to heal.
I'm not sure how the actual anniversary will turn out. I'm sure I will be sad (to say the least) but I'm going to make a real effort to make it a positive experience. I got together with the two women I trust most to decide how to spend my day. We came up with the idea to go hang out at Lagoon and fill the day with silliness. I'm actually a little excited. I will do another post after the anniversary and let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck!
Ok let the record show that I tend to think posting a video is cheesy but I'm posting one anyway. This video is basically how I'm feeling right now.
I feel the need to say thank you to everyone who has helped me make it to this point. I am far stronger now than I ever thought I'd be and it's mostly because of the people around me. From the second we found out about the accident I haven't been alone. Whether it was friends reaching out from a distance, or family sitting in my living room or co-workers that covered for me when I had to step away and cry. I have had continual support throughout this whole journey.
I have made some amazing friends (Kirsten) and strengthened friendships I already had (Allison). I've gained strength from women I've never met but secretly admired (Kelly). I have realized an appreciation for the incredible women in my life (Mom, Angela & Glenda). I cannot express how much you all mean to me. How much your words and patience have helped me begin to heal.
I'm not sure how the actual anniversary will turn out. I'm sure I will be sad (to say the least) but I'm going to make a real effort to make it a positive experience. I got together with the two women I trust most to decide how to spend my day. We came up with the idea to go hang out at Lagoon and fill the day with silliness. I'm actually a little excited. I will do another post after the anniversary and let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck!
Ok let the record show that I tend to think posting a video is cheesy but I'm posting one anyway. This video is basically how I'm feeling right now.
Monday, June 6, 2011
June Anniversaries
It's June, which means that I've almost survived a year without Quinn. It will be one full year on June 26th. Our anniversary was also in June, today would have been two years together.
It's amazing to me that two years ago today I met the man that would change my life forever. I was so nervous. We made plans to meet at Olive Garden for dinner but because of my nerves I ended up being very early. I can still remember the first time I saw him. I remember what he was wearing, how he smelled and the strange feeling I had.
He was wearing a white polo t-shirt and jeans. He smelled like polo cologne, and he had a huge smile. He was different than anyone I'd ever met before. It's cheesy to say that I knew I wanted to be with him from the moment I met him, but cheesy or not that's how it was. I remember sitting with my cousin, shortly after meeting Quinn. I told her all about him, I was completely head over heels for him. And we had only been on one date.
The next year was the best year of my life. I have never felt more secure and loved than I did then. The funny thing about it is, we never did any extravagant dates that I would normally think of as romantic. But somehow, Quinn always found ways to make anything we did romantic. Whether we were attending an air show, visiting the zoo or building a garage. For the first time in my entire life, I let someone into my heart without any hesitation. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted another human being. For me there was never any question, I knew I belonged with him.
On our anniversary last year we both did our best to make the other feel special. One night a couple days before our anniversary I surprised Quinn with a candle lit dinner. I was never the domestic type so he was really impressed. He came home from work to a dark house, quiet music playing, candles and food on the table and the woman he loved waiting for him. For me, he decided a family date would be meaningful. He had gone flying in the morning with his friend Cory while I hosted a baby shower for my cousin. He impressed all of my family when he texted saying he would be flying over my house. I loved when he would circle around in the sky above me waving his wings. Then he came and picked Parker and I up for a Bees game. It was a fantastic night, it felt so good to be a part of a complete family again. The pictures we took that night are the last I would ever have of Quinn.
It's more than just pain, it is a force. It shakes everything you thought you once knew. The force of grief is enough to make you forget everything else. Under normal circumstances I never would have jeopardized my life by getting in the car and driving in those conditions. I would have paused and thought about Parker and what it would do to him if something happened. I would think about my family, or the families of someone else driving on the road that I put in danger. My only thought in that moment was to get to my Mom. I knew she couldn't fix it, but I needed my Mommy.
The force of grief was enough to make a 28 year old woman crumble under the weight of it. For the last year I have tried to put myself back together. I think I have succeeded but like a broken vase that has been glued back together I have visible cracks. I have parts of me that will never quite match up the way they once did. There are chips of me missing, gaps in the whole.
I know I am stronger than I was back then. I can feel the difference in myself and for that I am grateful. I know this month is going to be a difficult one, it already has been. I am already having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I'm back to crying everyday, I'm back to feeling tired, drained and unmotivated. I have 20 more days until I've made it through my year of hell.
Let the countdown begin.
It's amazing to me that two years ago today I met the man that would change my life forever. I was so nervous. We made plans to meet at Olive Garden for dinner but because of my nerves I ended up being very early. I can still remember the first time I saw him. I remember what he was wearing, how he smelled and the strange feeling I had.
He was wearing a white polo t-shirt and jeans. He smelled like polo cologne, and he had a huge smile. He was different than anyone I'd ever met before. It's cheesy to say that I knew I wanted to be with him from the moment I met him, but cheesy or not that's how it was. I remember sitting with my cousin, shortly after meeting Quinn. I told her all about him, I was completely head over heels for him. And we had only been on one date.
The next year was the best year of my life. I have never felt more secure and loved than I did then. The funny thing about it is, we never did any extravagant dates that I would normally think of as romantic. But somehow, Quinn always found ways to make anything we did romantic. Whether we were attending an air show, visiting the zoo or building a garage. For the first time in my entire life, I let someone into my heart without any hesitation. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted another human being. For me there was never any question, I knew I belonged with him.
On our anniversary last year we both did our best to make the other feel special. One night a couple days before our anniversary I surprised Quinn with a candle lit dinner. I was never the domestic type so he was really impressed. He came home from work to a dark house, quiet music playing, candles and food on the table and the woman he loved waiting for him. For me, he decided a family date would be meaningful. He had gone flying in the morning with his friend Cory while I hosted a baby shower for my cousin. He impressed all of my family when he texted saying he would be flying over my house. I loved when he would circle around in the sky above me waving his wings. Then he came and picked Parker and I up for a Bees game. It was a fantastic night, it felt so good to be a part of a complete family again. The pictures we took that night are the last I would ever have of Quinn.
It's more than just pain, it is a force. It shakes everything you thought you once knew. The force of grief is enough to make you forget everything else. Under normal circumstances I never would have jeopardized my life by getting in the car and driving in those conditions. I would have paused and thought about Parker and what it would do to him if something happened. I would think about my family, or the families of someone else driving on the road that I put in danger. My only thought in that moment was to get to my Mom. I knew she couldn't fix it, but I needed my Mommy.
The force of grief was enough to make a 28 year old woman crumble under the weight of it. For the last year I have tried to put myself back together. I think I have succeeded but like a broken vase that has been glued back together I have visible cracks. I have parts of me that will never quite match up the way they once did. There are chips of me missing, gaps in the whole.
I know I am stronger than I was back then. I can feel the difference in myself and for that I am grateful. I know this month is going to be a difficult one, it already has been. I am already having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I'm back to crying everyday, I'm back to feeling tired, drained and unmotivated. I have 20 more days until I've made it through my year of hell.
Let the countdown begin.
Monday, May 2, 2011
I Survived
Well, it looks as if I've survived Quinn's birthday. First I want to say thank you to everyone who sent their love and support my way. It definitely helped.
So, what did I do you ask? A whole lot of nothin, followed by about an hour of more nothin. I had originally planned to visit the cemetery and possibly go out to eat at Quinn's favorite restaurant. Then I woke up to 6 inches of snow. I decided that the snow was a sign (or possibly just a good excuse) and I went back to bed. I stayed in bed until 5pm, I've never done that before. I didn't really sleep. Most of the time I just stared at Quinn's photo on my nightstand. I spent a lot of the time crying and a good portion talking to the air. Several people called or texted but I didn't answer. I wasn't in the mood to act happy or focus on anyone but myself. It actually felt kinda good to ignore the world and be 100% selfish.
Finally I decided I was done wallowing and needed to do something fun. I got up and went to a movie. I saw Jane Eyre. I scarfed down a ton of popcorn and gorged myself on redvines and Cherry Coke. The only down side is that I was alone, I've never been to a movie by myself before. Thankfully the theater was sold out and a group of girls that looked about my age were seated right next to me. To the outsider it looked like I was with them, I didn't have to feel like a freak. I was very grateful to those girls. Isn't it funny how you can feel grateful to complete strangers?
After the movie I had no desire to go home so I went shopping. Sadly, the only store open at 10pm is Walmart. I made due, I bought some items for my camping trip this weekend and some makeup. Quite the combo huh? After I had aimlessly wandered for as long as I could stand it I went to Harmon's. I made an executive decision to buy myself flowers. I had planned to spend money on flowers for the grave anyway, why not get some and take them home to cheer me up.
It did the trick. By the time the flowers were arranged in my vase I felt almost normal again. I started counting down to the end of the day so I could look back and say "I made it. It wasn't pretty, but I made it"
So here I am, two days later. I don't know if that day was a success or an epic failure. To be honest, I don't really care. I know some people might judge me for wallowing in my grief instead of being more proactive. To them I say, that might work for some people but not me. I am glad that I didn't force myself to act a certain way. I acted exactly how I felt for the first time in this whole process. I didn't have any regard for who would disagree or what people would think.
I am very glad it's over. I never have to survive the first birthday again. I am almost done with all the "firsts" and I'm content to be where I am. Life is beginning to get brighter.
So, what did I do you ask? A whole lot of nothin, followed by about an hour of more nothin. I had originally planned to visit the cemetery and possibly go out to eat at Quinn's favorite restaurant. Then I woke up to 6 inches of snow. I decided that the snow was a sign (or possibly just a good excuse) and I went back to bed. I stayed in bed until 5pm, I've never done that before. I didn't really sleep. Most of the time I just stared at Quinn's photo on my nightstand. I spent a lot of the time crying and a good portion talking to the air. Several people called or texted but I didn't answer. I wasn't in the mood to act happy or focus on anyone but myself. It actually felt kinda good to ignore the world and be 100% selfish.
Finally I decided I was done wallowing and needed to do something fun. I got up and went to a movie. I saw Jane Eyre. I scarfed down a ton of popcorn and gorged myself on redvines and Cherry Coke. The only down side is that I was alone, I've never been to a movie by myself before. Thankfully the theater was sold out and a group of girls that looked about my age were seated right next to me. To the outsider it looked like I was with them, I didn't have to feel like a freak. I was very grateful to those girls. Isn't it funny how you can feel grateful to complete strangers?
After the movie I had no desire to go home so I went shopping. Sadly, the only store open at 10pm is Walmart. I made due, I bought some items for my camping trip this weekend and some makeup. Quite the combo huh? After I had aimlessly wandered for as long as I could stand it I went to Harmon's. I made an executive decision to buy myself flowers. I had planned to spend money on flowers for the grave anyway, why not get some and take them home to cheer me up.
It did the trick. By the time the flowers were arranged in my vase I felt almost normal again. I started counting down to the end of the day so I could look back and say "I made it. It wasn't pretty, but I made it"
So here I am, two days later. I don't know if that day was a success or an epic failure. To be honest, I don't really care. I know some people might judge me for wallowing in my grief instead of being more proactive. To them I say, that might work for some people but not me. I am glad that I didn't force myself to act a certain way. I acted exactly how I felt for the first time in this whole process. I didn't have any regard for who would disagree or what people would think.
I am very glad it's over. I never have to survive the first birthday again. I am almost done with all the "firsts" and I'm content to be where I am. Life is beginning to get brighter.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Still Not There Yet
I know it has been forever since I updated my blog. I am sorry that I've left you out of my healing process. I was beginning to feel like I was just saying the same things over and over again so I took a break. Well, now I'm back. Hooray!
Life has been continuing on. Sometimes I've been tagging along and other times I seem to get left behind. I've convinced myself that I am on a journey to something so fantastic that I will look back and decide everything I'm going through was worth it. I'm not there yet.
Time for an update of what I've been doing.
The last few months have been like I expected. I knew that I would feel intense emotions at inconvenient times. I figured I would over-react to some things and under-react to others. I was surprised that I made it through the holidays relatively unscathed. There were moments of joy and moments of agony. I actually laughed at myself on Valentines Day. And I decided to experiment with dating again (I'll write a post about what a joke that turned out to be later) I have also been in counseling which has helped a lot. I feel like I am slowly making progress and I'm happy with that for now.
Now back to the present.
This week has been a bit of a struggle. And by a bit, I mean a huge struggle. Today is the 10 month anniversary. I know it's just another anniversary but I still hurt with each passing one. I hate the 26th, it is the worst day on the calendar. I will never plan a big event on the 26th.
In addition to the anniversary, it is Quinn's birthday this weekend. He would be 35 years old. I have been dreading his birthday for 10 months. I don't want to deal with it, I want to just sleep through it. I hate that I'm going to visit him in a cemetery on his birthday instead having wacky cake with his family. I hate it more than I've hated any other day thus far. I have thought about it since the first of this month. I knew it was coming soon and with it an onslaught of uncontrollable emotions. I have spent my time trying to think of what I'm going to do to make it special but not too difficult. I'm still drawing a blank. I haven't got a clue how to handle it.
To make matters even worse, his airplane was put up for sale today. I have written about his beloved plane many times before. About the battle I fought to steal Quinn's heart from it, about how much I love it and about how I thought I'd feel when it eventually went up for sale. I thought I would feel a tinge of sadness and then move on. I thought I'd be happy that it would bring enjoyment to someone else. I am surprised by how wrong I was.
My heart stopped when I spotted it in the classified ads. It's yet another blow to my already broken heart. I knew it would be sold and I understand that it should be sold. But I can't help feeling that it's another piece of him that we will never get back. It was such a huge part of his life, of our lives. I already said goodbye to that gorgeous airplane and it was devastating. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I could make a simple phone call and see it again. I took comfort knowing that Quinn's best friend was caring for it. I know that he values that airplane as much as I do. I know he has countless memories associated with that plane just like me.
Now, I only have hope to rely on. I hope that whoever buys it will appreciate the fine craftsmanship that built it. I hope the new owner will have a sense of respect and reverence for it. I hope it brings the new owner as much joy as it brought Quinn. I hope the new owner will come to love that plane as much as I do.
Life has been continuing on. Sometimes I've been tagging along and other times I seem to get left behind. I've convinced myself that I am on a journey to something so fantastic that I will look back and decide everything I'm going through was worth it. I'm not there yet.
Time for an update of what I've been doing.
The last few months have been like I expected. I knew that I would feel intense emotions at inconvenient times. I figured I would over-react to some things and under-react to others. I was surprised that I made it through the holidays relatively unscathed. There were moments of joy and moments of agony. I actually laughed at myself on Valentines Day. And I decided to experiment with dating again (I'll write a post about what a joke that turned out to be later) I have also been in counseling which has helped a lot. I feel like I am slowly making progress and I'm happy with that for now.
Now back to the present.
This week has been a bit of a struggle. And by a bit, I mean a huge struggle. Today is the 10 month anniversary. I know it's just another anniversary but I still hurt with each passing one. I hate the 26th, it is the worst day on the calendar. I will never plan a big event on the 26th.
In addition to the anniversary, it is Quinn's birthday this weekend. He would be 35 years old. I have been dreading his birthday for 10 months. I don't want to deal with it, I want to just sleep through it. I hate that I'm going to visit him in a cemetery on his birthday instead having wacky cake with his family. I hate it more than I've hated any other day thus far. I have thought about it since the first of this month. I knew it was coming soon and with it an onslaught of uncontrollable emotions. I have spent my time trying to think of what I'm going to do to make it special but not too difficult. I'm still drawing a blank. I haven't got a clue how to handle it.
To make matters even worse, his airplane was put up for sale today. I have written about his beloved plane many times before. About the battle I fought to steal Quinn's heart from it, about how much I love it and about how I thought I'd feel when it eventually went up for sale. I thought I would feel a tinge of sadness and then move on. I thought I'd be happy that it would bring enjoyment to someone else. I am surprised by how wrong I was.
My heart stopped when I spotted it in the classified ads. It's yet another blow to my already broken heart. I knew it would be sold and I understand that it should be sold. But I can't help feeling that it's another piece of him that we will never get back. It was such a huge part of his life, of our lives. I already said goodbye to that gorgeous airplane and it was devastating. But I always knew in the back of my mind that I could make a simple phone call and see it again. I took comfort knowing that Quinn's best friend was caring for it. I know that he values that airplane as much as I do. I know he has countless memories associated with that plane just like me.
Now, I only have hope to rely on. I hope that whoever buys it will appreciate the fine craftsmanship that built it. I hope the new owner will have a sense of respect and reverence for it. I hope it brings the new owner as much joy as it brought Quinn. I hope the new owner will come to love that plane as much as I do.
This one's for you Mighty Q. May your beloved creation taste the skies again in peace and happiness. I love you, forever and always.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Birthday Blues
Sorry it's been so long since I updated my blog, you know how life goes sometimes.
Monday is my 29th birthday. I know it is completely cliche but my birthday is my favorite holiday. I have always loved birthdays and I try to make a big deal of them. Last year Q made my birthday very special even though he didn't think they are a big deal. He made an effort because it mattered to me. This year I have to face my special day without him. I am sad to think that I don't get to be with him. I have invited a few people over for dinner and I plan to spend the day enjoying myself with close friends. While I'm sure my b-day will be special, it won't be the same.
Since my last meltdown I've decided to pay more attention to how I'm feeling. I'm trying to be more aware of how I'm coping with life. I decided to get myself a few things for my b-day in honor of Q. I decided to give myself a break and accept help. I have ordered multiple books on learning to cope with grief and I'm actually kind of excited. The biggest gift I have decided to give myself is counseling. The U of U has a clinic that gives licensed psychiatrists the chance to work on their specialties by working with people like me (a.k.a. broke and helpless lost causes.) I went for a consultation with the clinic director and I am now on the waiting list.
I think that Q would be proud of me learning to deal with his death in a healthy way. Who knows, maybe I'll learn some things about myself along the way.
Monday is my 29th birthday. I know it is completely cliche but my birthday is my favorite holiday. I have always loved birthdays and I try to make a big deal of them. Last year Q made my birthday very special even though he didn't think they are a big deal. He made an effort because it mattered to me. This year I have to face my special day without him. I am sad to think that I don't get to be with him. I have invited a few people over for dinner and I plan to spend the day enjoying myself with close friends. While I'm sure my b-day will be special, it won't be the same.
Since my last meltdown I've decided to pay more attention to how I'm feeling. I'm trying to be more aware of how I'm coping with life. I decided to get myself a few things for my b-day in honor of Q. I decided to give myself a break and accept help. I have ordered multiple books on learning to cope with grief and I'm actually kind of excited. The biggest gift I have decided to give myself is counseling. The U of U has a clinic that gives licensed psychiatrists the chance to work on their specialties by working with people like me (a.k.a. broke and helpless lost causes.) I went for a consultation with the clinic director and I am now on the waiting list.
I think that Q would be proud of me learning to deal with his death in a healthy way. Who knows, maybe I'll learn some things about myself along the way.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Dreaming Denial
I thought that I was getting pretty far in the acceptance process but I had a really strange dream last night that makes me wonder if I'm really as far as I thought. In my waking hours I am fully aware that Quinn isn't going to show up and say just kidding. But last night in my dream I honestly thought he would.
I was at an airshow. As I watched the planes fly around I truly believed that one of them would land and he would be the pilot to get out. It was so sure that he was safe and we would continue our lives together.
At some point in my dream I began to realize that he wouldn't be the one to get out of the plane. The horrible part is that I couldn't just wake up and realize it was just a dream, that would be too peaceful. I had to fully experience the panic and pain of losing him all over again in my sleep. My fear weaved itself into my dream. I dreamt that the plane I imagined him to be in crashed and we rushed to save him. When we got there he was gone. It was just an empty cockpit among the wreckage.
I am really surprised by how strongly I believed that he would land safely and come home. I've been focusing so much on trying to live life that I have forgotten how much it still hurts. Today it has been very apparent. I have seen his face everywhere and every thought brings a memory of him to mind. I guess maybe I need to try harder to balance dealing with my emotions and living life.
I was at an airshow. As I watched the planes fly around I truly believed that one of them would land and he would be the pilot to get out. It was so sure that he was safe and we would continue our lives together.
At some point in my dream I began to realize that he wouldn't be the one to get out of the plane. The horrible part is that I couldn't just wake up and realize it was just a dream, that would be too peaceful. I had to fully experience the panic and pain of losing him all over again in my sleep. My fear weaved itself into my dream. I dreamt that the plane I imagined him to be in crashed and we rushed to save him. When we got there he was gone. It was just an empty cockpit among the wreckage.
I am really surprised by how strongly I believed that he would land safely and come home. I've been focusing so much on trying to live life that I have forgotten how much it still hurts. Today it has been very apparent. I have seen his face everywhere and every thought brings a memory of him to mind. I guess maybe I need to try harder to balance dealing with my emotions and living life.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
4 Months
It feels like it has been so long but I have only just begun. I never expected my life to change so abruptly. I never expected that I would experience something that would force itself into every thought. I went through life thinking nothing like that would ever happen to me. I guess I was wrong.
Towing aerial banners is one of the most dangerous jobs in the aviation industry. I knew it was dangerous when Q took the job but his love for flying was greater than the risk. Or so I thought. Every time he walked out the door to go fly that banner I feared that he wouldn't come home. I remember thinking it that last day too. Every time I pushed the thought out of my head. He was the best pilot I knew and I had seen him pick up banner after banner. I told myself that he would be ok.
I don't know why the engine lost power that day or why there had to be a sudden wind gust that forced him into the ground. I don't know why any of it had to happen the way it did. I suppose I'm only wasting my time trying to figure it out.
What I do know is that I think about that day all the time. Different things about it stick with me at different times. I think about the smells and sounds. The way the plane looked after the accident compared to what it looked like before. I remember standing at the crash site the next day trying to figure out exactly what happened. I remember the feeling of those first few moments. The look on my mother's face when I pulled up to the house. I remember how much it hurt the first time I said "He's dead." I remember the last words he said to me. The last meal we ate together. I remember all of it, every day.
The pain is beginning to turn from a sharp pain to a dull ache. I am no longer shocked and I am beginning to find my way again. The thing that plagues me now is memory. Some of it is sweet and wonderful. But it is mostly memories of that awful day. I am beginning to wonder how long it will be until I have a full day without images of the crash site popping into my head. How long will it be before I stop reliving that day?
I miss Quinn so much that words don't even begin to scratch the surface. Four months down, a lifetime left to go.
Towing aerial banners is one of the most dangerous jobs in the aviation industry. I knew it was dangerous when Q took the job but his love for flying was greater than the risk. Or so I thought. Every time he walked out the door to go fly that banner I feared that he wouldn't come home. I remember thinking it that last day too. Every time I pushed the thought out of my head. He was the best pilot I knew and I had seen him pick up banner after banner. I told myself that he would be ok.
I don't know why the engine lost power that day or why there had to be a sudden wind gust that forced him into the ground. I don't know why any of it had to happen the way it did. I suppose I'm only wasting my time trying to figure it out.
What I do know is that I think about that day all the time. Different things about it stick with me at different times. I think about the smells and sounds. The way the plane looked after the accident compared to what it looked like before. I remember standing at the crash site the next day trying to figure out exactly what happened. I remember the feeling of those first few moments. The look on my mother's face when I pulled up to the house. I remember how much it hurt the first time I said "He's dead." I remember the last words he said to me. The last meal we ate together. I remember all of it, every day.
The pain is beginning to turn from a sharp pain to a dull ache. I am no longer shocked and I am beginning to find my way again. The thing that plagues me now is memory. Some of it is sweet and wonderful. But it is mostly memories of that awful day. I am beginning to wonder how long it will be until I have a full day without images of the crash site popping into my head. How long will it be before I stop reliving that day?
I miss Quinn so much that words don't even begin to scratch the surface. Four months down, a lifetime left to go.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I'm Stunned
Something happened last night that broke my heart.
I was sitting on my bed with Parker looking at pictures on facebook. One of the photos I saw was of a friend of mine holding a certificate of completion for a phlebotomy course. I said it was cool and he asked why. I said she took a class and she passed, isn't that cool? Parker asked "She passed?" I said yes. Then he said, "You mean she died?"
My heart stopped. I assured him that no, that's not the kind of passed I meant. I explained what I meant the best I could. He seemed satisfied and left my room to go play. I just sat there. Completely stunned. My six year old hears the word passed and automatically associates it with death.
I feel terrible. I know that I can't help what happened, I can't change it. As much as I want to, it's not possible. But at the same time, I feel as if I've failed to protect him somehow. I feel like his carefree childhood has been ripped away.
I'm not sure what to do. I thought I had done everything I could to shelter him from the brunt of Q's death. Now, I feel like I need to do more but I don't know what.
I was sitting on my bed with Parker looking at pictures on facebook. One of the photos I saw was of a friend of mine holding a certificate of completion for a phlebotomy course. I said it was cool and he asked why. I said she took a class and she passed, isn't that cool? Parker asked "She passed?" I said yes. Then he said, "You mean she died?"
My heart stopped. I assured him that no, that's not the kind of passed I meant. I explained what I meant the best I could. He seemed satisfied and left my room to go play. I just sat there. Completely stunned. My six year old hears the word passed and automatically associates it with death.
I feel terrible. I know that I can't help what happened, I can't change it. As much as I want to, it's not possible. But at the same time, I feel as if I've failed to protect him somehow. I feel like his carefree childhood has been ripped away.
I'm not sure what to do. I thought I had done everything I could to shelter him from the brunt of Q's death. Now, I feel like I need to do more but I don't know what.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Brutally Honest
I have been criticized by some for being too positive in my posts. I was shocked and hurt by their lack of understanding. Then I got to thinking, maybe these people really don't understand. I have tried to sensor my thoughts here so I don't worry or offend my readers. Maybe I am coming across as if I am not saddened. I have decided that for this post, I will be completely honest. I will let you know exactly what I go through on a daily basis.
I wake up emotionally drained from the nightmares that plague me throughout the night. I lie there wishing I could stay in bed forever. My head is usually pounding and my stomach is churning. I force myself out of bed. Sometimes I don't have the emotional or mental strength to push through. I cry in the shower 9 days out of 10. While I go through the motions of getting ready I give myself a pep talk to get me through the day. I put on my happy face and walk out the door.
I drive to school in a daze, telling myself over and over "I can do this". Then I sit in class, trying to make myself focus. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. After my classes I try to think about what I want to eat for lunch. Most of the time I don't want to eat anything. If I am hungry nothing sounds appealing. I generally dread going to work. I want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers. I want to tell myself that Q is just working and he'll be home before I know it. When reality really sinks in I feel nauseated.
In the evening, I still don't want to eat. I find a little more comfort with Parker there though. He is always so happy and funny that it's easy to forget everything for a while. I am always so tired that I must seem boring to him. He has started wanting to fall asleep with music playing, he has fewer nightmares when he does. I can only imagine why but I think it's to help keep the sad thoughts away.
I should go to sleep as soon as Parker is in bed but I never do. I turn on my tv and my computer, trying to drown out the world. I deflate quickly as I lie staring at Q's picture that I keep by my bed. Even after I turn everything off I don't fall asleep. I toss and turn, I cry again. Sometimes I talk to Q. Other times I position the pillows on his side of the bed so I don't feel so alone. A queen size bed becomes a mile wide in the darkness of the night. My last thought is usually about being one day closer to seeing Q again. I try to tell myself I did well, I made it through another day. But, the problem is, I know I will have to make it through tomorrow, and the next day and so on.
I am often caught off guard and break down. The smell of his clothes hanging in my closet, a long forgotten photo, a song that we loved, a funny thought that I want to share with him, a bad day. All of these things can break me. The absolute worst is when Parker breaks down. He has nightmares about plane crashes and a number of other horrible things a 6 year old should never have to deal with. I stay strong long enough to get him through it and then I crumble.
My life is full of coping techniques that shift from one second to another. A lot of the time distraction is the only one that works. The one constant I have is the faith that I will be ok someday. I believe that one day, I will look back at my life and feel proud because I survived. One day I will stand on my own two feet again. I will laugh everyday again. I will not be broken forever. I hold onto this faith with every fiber of my being.
For now I am kept afloat by those closest to me. These people see the dark side of me. They are the ones who hold my hand as a scream and cry at the same time. They listen as I vent my anger about the world and at God. They listen without judgement, only love. They tell me I will be ok, that I can get through it. They are there to laugh with me on my good days and cry with me on my bad days. They keep me grounded, pick up the slack and help me keep going. They are the people I can call, day or night. They distract me when I need it and let me be alone when I need it. They take care of Parker when I am overwhelmed or need a break. They are my angels and my sanity.
This is a pain that I would not wish on anyone. It is constant and unwavering. It is soul crushing and heart breaking. It affects the lives of everyone near me. It is a pain that may lighten in intensity with time but it will never disappear. It is simply something I will learn to live with.
**The next post will be lighter. I promise**
I wake up emotionally drained from the nightmares that plague me throughout the night. I lie there wishing I could stay in bed forever. My head is usually pounding and my stomach is churning. I force myself out of bed. Sometimes I don't have the emotional or mental strength to push through. I cry in the shower 9 days out of 10. While I go through the motions of getting ready I give myself a pep talk to get me through the day. I put on my happy face and walk out the door.
I drive to school in a daze, telling myself over and over "I can do this". Then I sit in class, trying to make myself focus. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. After my classes I try to think about what I want to eat for lunch. Most of the time I don't want to eat anything. If I am hungry nothing sounds appealing. I generally dread going to work. I want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers. I want to tell myself that Q is just working and he'll be home before I know it. When reality really sinks in I feel nauseated.
In the evening, I still don't want to eat. I find a little more comfort with Parker there though. He is always so happy and funny that it's easy to forget everything for a while. I am always so tired that I must seem boring to him. He has started wanting to fall asleep with music playing, he has fewer nightmares when he does. I can only imagine why but I think it's to help keep the sad thoughts away.
I should go to sleep as soon as Parker is in bed but I never do. I turn on my tv and my computer, trying to drown out the world. I deflate quickly as I lie staring at Q's picture that I keep by my bed. Even after I turn everything off I don't fall asleep. I toss and turn, I cry again. Sometimes I talk to Q. Other times I position the pillows on his side of the bed so I don't feel so alone. A queen size bed becomes a mile wide in the darkness of the night. My last thought is usually about being one day closer to seeing Q again. I try to tell myself I did well, I made it through another day. But, the problem is, I know I will have to make it through tomorrow, and the next day and so on.
I am often caught off guard and break down. The smell of his clothes hanging in my closet, a long forgotten photo, a song that we loved, a funny thought that I want to share with him, a bad day. All of these things can break me. The absolute worst is when Parker breaks down. He has nightmares about plane crashes and a number of other horrible things a 6 year old should never have to deal with. I stay strong long enough to get him through it and then I crumble.
My life is full of coping techniques that shift from one second to another. A lot of the time distraction is the only one that works. The one constant I have is the faith that I will be ok someday. I believe that one day, I will look back at my life and feel proud because I survived. One day I will stand on my own two feet again. I will laugh everyday again. I will not be broken forever. I hold onto this faith with every fiber of my being.
For now I am kept afloat by those closest to me. These people see the dark side of me. They are the ones who hold my hand as a scream and cry at the same time. They listen as I vent my anger about the world and at God. They listen without judgement, only love. They tell me I will be ok, that I can get through it. They are there to laugh with me on my good days and cry with me on my bad days. They keep me grounded, pick up the slack and help me keep going. They are the people I can call, day or night. They distract me when I need it and let me be alone when I need it. They take care of Parker when I am overwhelmed or need a break. They are my angels and my sanity.
This is a pain that I would not wish on anyone. It is constant and unwavering. It is soul crushing and heart breaking. It affects the lives of everyone near me. It is a pain that may lighten in intensity with time but it will never disappear. It is simply something I will learn to live with.
**The next post will be lighter. I promise**
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