Today I'm having a hard time dealing with the should have, could have, would haves. I am trying to stay in control of it. The last thing I need is regrets. The thoughts still creep in though.
I keep imagining what I would have done differently that last morning had I known. If I would have asked him to stay home. If I would have kissed him longer, held him tighter. Told him I loved him one more time. Every second of that day has come under scrutiny. I could make myself crazy if I dwell on it.
I guess that's the nature of the beast. My logical side is saying, "There's nothing you could have done." I think that if I had known, my actions would not mean as much. They would have seemed desperate and superficial. I am grateful for the last moments we had together. My emotional side doesn't want to hear anything about logic though. No, no, no. It says "Maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would still be here with you." "Maybe" is repeating like a broken record.
Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to command two completely different armies in the same war. I can't stay on either side for too long. I can't just ignore one side either. In order to stay sane, I need to give each sides equal consideration.
However, I do know something that is helping me get through it. I know Quinn loved me. Not because he had to but for who I am. He knew I loved him for who he was too. I have been able to find peace in that knowledge. We didn't say those three words very often. We chose instead to show our love through our actions. Because we didn't say "I love you" everyday, it meant more. The sound of it was sweeter because it was rare.
The bottom line is, I would not give up a single second we had together. I've had people ask, "If you knew then, what you know now, would you do it all again?" Absolutely! Yes, this hurts. Yes, I want him back. Yes, I wish we could've grown old together. But through it all, every ounce of agony, every tear, every single hellish moment is worth it.
I am better because he loved me. I have a vision for my future because of him. I am a better mother because of his example. I know how to take care of myself now. His love gave me strength to overcome my weaknesses. I can't ever go back to the old me. That person doesn't even exist anymore. She walked out the door the moment I met Quinn.
I hope that after reading this, you will make sure your family knows how you feel about them. Live every single day making sure they know you love them. Too often we take our stress out on our family. We give the best version of ourselves to the rest of the world. Something positive needs to come out of this. Make your family stronger in honor of Quinn.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Welcome to Crazy Town
Everything I've read about grieving says to expect the unexpected. Feel what you are feeling and don't worry about what's normal. Everyone responds differently. Blah, blah, blah. Not one of them says anything about feeling like a mental patient.
I expected to have roller coaster emotions. I knew I would have both good and bad days. I didn't know that I would have good-bad-good-normal-bad-good days. I have now entered crazy town!
Yesterday was horrendous! I woke up mad as a hornet and it went downhill from there pretty quickly. Not surprising considering everything going on right now. Imagine my delight when I woke up this morning rested and relatively happy. The dark rain cloud that had followed me yesterday was gone. Today was getting better too. I had no trouble getting to work, people were treating me like normal again, everything was going great.
I don't know what happened. By late-morning I was unhappy. I had gone from rested and cheerful to scrooge. Then, just as quickly as before, I was really happy. It was like a bi-polar episode. I started to feel normal again and then scrooge was back. Right now I'm feeling fine again. I'm back to the normal me, for the moment anyway.
I am beginning to wonder, did Aliens abduct me in the night and implant a crazy gene? In all seriousness though, this is really not cool. First, what the crap?! Second, why doesn't anyone tell you about feeling like this? Third, what the crap?! And fourth, how do I make it stop?
It is probably my lack of patience, but I'm ready to get off this train. I know time will solve everything and I was fine with that. I don't know how fine I am with it now that I've turned into someone I don't even recognize though. Doesn't my body know that I can only handle one mood at once?
I guess I'll just add this to the list of things to expect. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. It's all part of the process. This sucketh!
Dictionary of Becky
Sucketh - Slang. Sucking on a biblical level
I expected to have roller coaster emotions. I knew I would have both good and bad days. I didn't know that I would have good-bad-good-normal-bad-good days. I have now entered crazy town!
Yesterday was horrendous! I woke up mad as a hornet and it went downhill from there pretty quickly. Not surprising considering everything going on right now. Imagine my delight when I woke up this morning rested and relatively happy. The dark rain cloud that had followed me yesterday was gone. Today was getting better too. I had no trouble getting to work, people were treating me like normal again, everything was going great.
I don't know what happened. By late-morning I was unhappy. I had gone from rested and cheerful to scrooge. Then, just as quickly as before, I was really happy. It was like a bi-polar episode. I started to feel normal again and then scrooge was back. Right now I'm feeling fine again. I'm back to the normal me, for the moment anyway.
I am beginning to wonder, did Aliens abduct me in the night and implant a crazy gene? In all seriousness though, this is really not cool. First, what the crap?! Second, why doesn't anyone tell you about feeling like this? Third, what the crap?! And fourth, how do I make it stop?
It is probably my lack of patience, but I'm ready to get off this train. I know time will solve everything and I was fine with that. I don't know how fine I am with it now that I've turned into someone I don't even recognize though. Doesn't my body know that I can only handle one mood at once?
I guess I'll just add this to the list of things to expect. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. It's all part of the process. This sucketh!
Dictionary of Becky
Sucketh - Slang. Sucking on a biblical level
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
First Time for Everything
After the first night, I was emotionally drained. My body ached and my head was pounding. I couldn't think, eat or drink. I kept crying. I wanted to stop crying but no matter what I did I couldn't. Because I hadn't eaten the night before my Aunt decided to take me for breakfast. The thing about that was, I didn't want to go anywhere I had been with Quinn. My family was running down the list of quick breakfast ideas but I didn't want any of it. Finally someone mentioned Einstein's bagels. I said "We never went there, I can eat that".
After choking down a bagel, my brother came to give me a priesthood blessing. I cannot express how much it helped me. It didn't take away the suffering, but it took the edge off. I felt like I could breathe again, I was able to sit still. My body stopped shaking. I had the overwhelming feeling that there was a reason for everything. I felt that even if I didn't understand it right then, I would someday. I could trust in a greater plan. The darkness that had surrounded me the night before lifted.
I started to notice milestones. Granted, they were teeny-tiny milestones. It was a big deal for me to do small things that we had done together. I drank my first Dr. Pepper & Pepsi and I felt accomplished. I was able to eat Cafe Rio and pizza. I held on to every one of those milestones. I discovered that if I took things one second at a time I could handle it. I remember saying things like, "I've gone 5 whole minutes without crying". For me, 5 minutes felt more like a year.
It was the smallest things that made me feel better that first few days. It was also the small things that would send me spiraling downward again. I remember feeling pretty good and then I looked at the clock. It had been 24 hours since the accident. I fell apart. We went to get flowers to take to the crash site so I bought a single rose. (Quinn always gave me a single rose) Of course I fell apart again, right in the middle of the flower section. I saw a commercial for a movie we had plans to see. It took everything I had to keep it together. I couldn't let myself be the girl who cries over a commercial.
The hardest thing was having to tell Parker. He had been camping with his dad for the weekend. I am so grateful that he had been gone. I do wish that Parker had more time with Quinn before he passed but I needed the time to grieve alone so I could be stronger for him. Parker is so lucky to have a wonderful father named Dan. He stayed and helped me tell Parker. Parker was able to have both parents hold him when he cried. Quinn had been Parker's best friend. I will never be able to repay Dan for being there emotionally when I couldn't. He picked up the slack, held Parker and made sure he felt loved.
Once we started planning the memorial things got better. I was doing something for Quinn. It was nice to have something else to focus on. I am so, so, so grateful to the Falk family for letting me be a part of the process. I started making it almost an hour before I needed to cry. Each day I cried less often. By the memorial service I was a functional human being again.
I wish I remembered more about that first week. I had so many conversations that have become blended together. I will always remember what was most important about that week. All the love that people freely gave me. So many people went out of their way to let me know they cared. Complete strangers told me they were praying for me. I have accomplished so many firsts and I have many more to overcome. Thanks to all you have done, I know I can make it through this. For that, I cannot thank you all enough!
After choking down a bagel, my brother came to give me a priesthood blessing. I cannot express how much it helped me. It didn't take away the suffering, but it took the edge off. I felt like I could breathe again, I was able to sit still. My body stopped shaking. I had the overwhelming feeling that there was a reason for everything. I felt that even if I didn't understand it right then, I would someday. I could trust in a greater plan. The darkness that had surrounded me the night before lifted.
I started to notice milestones. Granted, they were teeny-tiny milestones. It was a big deal for me to do small things that we had done together. I drank my first Dr. Pepper & Pepsi and I felt accomplished. I was able to eat Cafe Rio and pizza. I held on to every one of those milestones. I discovered that if I took things one second at a time I could handle it. I remember saying things like, "I've gone 5 whole minutes without crying". For me, 5 minutes felt more like a year.
It was the smallest things that made me feel better that first few days. It was also the small things that would send me spiraling downward again. I remember feeling pretty good and then I looked at the clock. It had been 24 hours since the accident. I fell apart. We went to get flowers to take to the crash site so I bought a single rose. (Quinn always gave me a single rose) Of course I fell apart again, right in the middle of the flower section. I saw a commercial for a movie we had plans to see. It took everything I had to keep it together. I couldn't let myself be the girl who cries over a commercial.
The hardest thing was having to tell Parker. He had been camping with his dad for the weekend. I am so grateful that he had been gone. I do wish that Parker had more time with Quinn before he passed but I needed the time to grieve alone so I could be stronger for him. Parker is so lucky to have a wonderful father named Dan. He stayed and helped me tell Parker. Parker was able to have both parents hold him when he cried. Quinn had been Parker's best friend. I will never be able to repay Dan for being there emotionally when I couldn't. He picked up the slack, held Parker and made sure he felt loved.
Once we started planning the memorial things got better. I was doing something for Quinn. It was nice to have something else to focus on. I am so, so, so grateful to the Falk family for letting me be a part of the process. I started making it almost an hour before I needed to cry. Each day I cried less often. By the memorial service I was a functional human being again.
I wish I remembered more about that first week. I had so many conversations that have become blended together. I will always remember what was most important about that week. All the love that people freely gave me. So many people went out of their way to let me know they cared. Complete strangers told me they were praying for me. I have accomplished so many firsts and I have many more to overcome. Thanks to all you have done, I know I can make it through this. For that, I cannot thank you all enough!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
New Chapter
I chose the description of "Each Chapter is a New Beginning" for my blog because I really do try to see change as an opportunity for new beginnings. I had no idea how true that statement was until now. I thought the chapters in life slowly molded and shifted to be something new, that change was a gradual thing. Up until now that is how it had been for me. I often became frustrated that change didn't happen fast enough. I was always looking forward instead of looking at what I had in that moment.
A little over a week ago I was given an awakening. It was one I never wanted but it came just the same. I started this blog to document my thoughts and I plan to continue. I want to document my personal grieving process. I hope that it will help me heal. So here we go.
When I woke up Saturday, June 26th I was in bliss. I was living in my first healthy relationship and things were progressing at a perfect pace. I had just moved in, we celebrated our first year together, we started talking marriage and future children, we were making big plans to open a business and complete our home together.
The late morning and early afternoon was filled with errands. We were being silly, laughing and joking. We went to lunch and talked about going four-wheeling. By 2pm Quinn was getting ready to go to work, I was making a list of things we needed from the store. It was business as usual.
He left for work and I started getting things done. I had wondered why he hadn't texted me but chalked it up to a turbulent flight. Just after 6pm I got the call. I remember his brother telling me the plane had crashed. He said something like "They can't identify the body". My heart broke. Suddenly Quinn went from being my sweetheart to being a "body". I don't remember many other specifics, just crying and screaming. I somehow drove to my parent's house. We went to the airport and it slowly became real.
In those first few moments it is amazing the things I was worried about. I had forgotten to turn the A/C off before running out the door. I kept saying how Quinn would be upset that I had left in on. I just kept hoping that he would be fine. I felt that if I could get there, I could fix it. That somehow my presence would heal him.
After talking to the police and seeing the crash site it was clear that my life would never be the same again. All the hopes and dreams I had for our future no longer existed. I felt lost, abandoned, empty, scared, confused. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand, I couldn't do anything but sob. I remember pulling it together to call my boss but I lost it again after I had to say "My boyfriend just died". That night was indescribably dark. It was filled with despair. I was going through my hell.
The next 24 hours were a blur. Family and friends came from all over to be with me. People were calling, emailing and doing everything they could to help. There must have been a trillion tears that night. A million prayers, thousands of I love yous, hundreds of hugs. Looking back I am so touched. I am very lucky to have so many people that love me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! All of you that sent good thoughts my way, prayed for us, loved us when we needed it the most. Words could never express how much you did to get me through that first night.
A little over a week ago I was given an awakening. It was one I never wanted but it came just the same. I started this blog to document my thoughts and I plan to continue. I want to document my personal grieving process. I hope that it will help me heal. So here we go.
When I woke up Saturday, June 26th I was in bliss. I was living in my first healthy relationship and things were progressing at a perfect pace. I had just moved in, we celebrated our first year together, we started talking marriage and future children, we were making big plans to open a business and complete our home together.
The late morning and early afternoon was filled with errands. We were being silly, laughing and joking. We went to lunch and talked about going four-wheeling. By 2pm Quinn was getting ready to go to work, I was making a list of things we needed from the store. It was business as usual.
He left for work and I started getting things done. I had wondered why he hadn't texted me but chalked it up to a turbulent flight. Just after 6pm I got the call. I remember his brother telling me the plane had crashed. He said something like "They can't identify the body". My heart broke. Suddenly Quinn went from being my sweetheart to being a "body". I don't remember many other specifics, just crying and screaming. I somehow drove to my parent's house. We went to the airport and it slowly became real.
In those first few moments it is amazing the things I was worried about. I had forgotten to turn the A/C off before running out the door. I kept saying how Quinn would be upset that I had left in on. I just kept hoping that he would be fine. I felt that if I could get there, I could fix it. That somehow my presence would heal him.
After talking to the police and seeing the crash site it was clear that my life would never be the same again. All the hopes and dreams I had for our future no longer existed. I felt lost, abandoned, empty, scared, confused. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand, I couldn't do anything but sob. I remember pulling it together to call my boss but I lost it again after I had to say "My boyfriend just died". That night was indescribably dark. It was filled with despair. I was going through my hell.
The next 24 hours were a blur. Family and friends came from all over to be with me. People were calling, emailing and doing everything they could to help. There must have been a trillion tears that night. A million prayers, thousands of I love yous, hundreds of hugs. Looking back I am so touched. I am very lucky to have so many people that love me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! All of you that sent good thoughts my way, prayed for us, loved us when we needed it the most. Words could never express how much you did to get me through that first night.
Friday, June 25, 2010
What Are They Thinking?
Ok, so I've tried to stay away from all the celeb drama but I'm getting really fed up.
Let me get this straight, if I become famous or rich I can do whatever I want whenever I want with no consequences? No, you say? Why not? All the famous and rich people seem to think so.
I know I'm taking a dramatic approach here but really, it's getting to be a not-so-funny joke. We've got everybody and their dog committing some sort of tax fraud. All the men can't seem to keep it in their pants. And all the women are boozing it up without any underwear on.
I tend to think that we inadvertently support their behavior. Of course we wouldn't actually stand up and say "Ya, I think it's great so-and-so did this or that" but we certainly don't do what we can to make it stop. We buy into the controversy by reading the articles about it, or going to see their latest film/tournament to see if they choke under pressure. We continue to be their fans as long as they say "I'm sorry" and claim some sort of addiction. When did we let this happen?
When did it become ok to rape someone because you are famous? Or womanize every girl you come in contact with? Or cheat the financial system? Or abuse hotel staff? Or spread false rumors about good people? I could keep going for hours but I won't. I am aware that Joe-shmoe's do all these things too, but the media doesn't defend them. They do defend the rich and famous while we sit at home at accept it as status quo.
I for one, am tired of staying silent. I am tired of watching our world go down the toilet because the "little person" has no voice. I am officially making a voice for myself. If you are a sports, tv, movie, reality star or a politician and you do any of the things I mentioned before, I will not be a "fan". I won't see your movie, I won't vote for you, I won't watch your tv shows. I will scream at the top of my lungs (or blog) that your behavior is unacceptable. Maybe you won't hear me, maybe no one will, but I will feel better about myself for stating what I think. Maybe, just maybe, someone will hear me and make a voice for themselves. If we all stood up and said that we thought they were out of line maybe something would change. Perhaps our children will not need to witness the moral chaos that is the current trend.
Let me get this straight, if I become famous or rich I can do whatever I want whenever I want with no consequences? No, you say? Why not? All the famous and rich people seem to think so.
I know I'm taking a dramatic approach here but really, it's getting to be a not-so-funny joke. We've got everybody and their dog committing some sort of tax fraud. All the men can't seem to keep it in their pants. And all the women are boozing it up without any underwear on.
I tend to think that we inadvertently support their behavior. Of course we wouldn't actually stand up and say "Ya, I think it's great so-and-so did this or that" but we certainly don't do what we can to make it stop. We buy into the controversy by reading the articles about it, or going to see their latest film/tournament to see if they choke under pressure. We continue to be their fans as long as they say "I'm sorry" and claim some sort of addiction. When did we let this happen?
When did it become ok to rape someone because you are famous? Or womanize every girl you come in contact with? Or cheat the financial system? Or abuse hotel staff? Or spread false rumors about good people? I could keep going for hours but I won't. I am aware that Joe-shmoe's do all these things too, but the media doesn't defend them. They do defend the rich and famous while we sit at home at accept it as status quo.
I for one, am tired of staying silent. I am tired of watching our world go down the toilet because the "little person" has no voice. I am officially making a voice for myself. If you are a sports, tv, movie, reality star or a politician and you do any of the things I mentioned before, I will not be a "fan". I won't see your movie, I won't vote for you, I won't watch your tv shows. I will scream at the top of my lungs (or blog) that your behavior is unacceptable. Maybe you won't hear me, maybe no one will, but I will feel better about myself for stating what I think. Maybe, just maybe, someone will hear me and make a voice for themselves. If we all stood up and said that we thought they were out of line maybe something would change. Perhaps our children will not need to witness the moral chaos that is the current trend.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Confession Time
It's that time again. Time to brighten Wednesday's everywhere with my brilliant and random thoughts. Actually, this may turn into more of a vent session but I'll try to keep it light.
- I am a cat person, dogs are great if they are not mine
- I vote for a 5 day weekend and a 2 day work week
- I hate when I help people only to have them take advange of my kindness
- I don't get being a "typical" girl (fake laughs, lies and general manipulation)
- If I ask a question I want the truth, if I don't want to know I won't ask ("How do I look?"..."Fat, ugly stupid, etc." Instead of "You look great!")
- If you ask me something, I will be honest.
- I don't understand the 10 degree temperature difference between men and women, I'm frickin freezing people! (My office is mostly men)
- I need to learn to stand up for myself
- I hate the idea of someone not liking me, seriously, I have major anxiety about it
- I feel cool driving my awesome car
- I will probably never stop saying the word retarded, sorry if this offends you
- I just turned around to do something and forgot what it was mid-turn
- It really bugs me when SAHMs complain about staying home, I would trade places anyday
- I want to try skydiving but just thinking about it makes me pee a little
- I have absolutely no idea how to raise a kid, just kind of wingin it
- Banana cake sounds heavenly right about now
- I need to go get a passport picture but I haven't because I want my hair to look good in it, lame!
- Going out to eat is my financial weakness
I can't think of anything else so I guess that's it for this week. Till next time!
- I am a cat person, dogs are great if they are not mine
- I vote for a 5 day weekend and a 2 day work week
- I hate when I help people only to have them take advange of my kindness
- I don't get being a "typical" girl (fake laughs, lies and general manipulation)
- If I ask a question I want the truth, if I don't want to know I won't ask ("How do I look?"..."Fat, ugly stupid, etc." Instead of "You look great!")
- If you ask me something, I will be honest.
- I don't understand the 10 degree temperature difference between men and women, I'm frickin freezing people! (My office is mostly men)
- I need to learn to stand up for myself
- I hate the idea of someone not liking me, seriously, I have major anxiety about it
- I feel cool driving my awesome car
- I will probably never stop saying the word retarded, sorry if this offends you
- I just turned around to do something and forgot what it was mid-turn
- It really bugs me when SAHMs complain about staying home, I would trade places anyday
- I want to try skydiving but just thinking about it makes me pee a little
- I have absolutely no idea how to raise a kid, just kind of wingin it
- Banana cake sounds heavenly right about now
- I need to go get a passport picture but I haven't because I want my hair to look good in it, lame!
- Going out to eat is my financial weakness
I can't think of anything else so I guess that's it for this week. Till next time!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
CPR
Ok, I am officially reviving this Blog. CPR here we come!!! What better way to revive a blog than trying something new? I have seen a few people doing a weekly confessional. I think I'm going to try it but be warned, I am generally a very random person.
Confession Time :)
- I secretly wish I had thicker lips. Not Angelina style, more like Anne Hathaway
- I love old music! Think Bing Crosby & Louis Armstrong
- I try to be a realist but I am actually a hopeless romantic. Shocking I know!
- I, along with every other mother on the planet, think my son is the cutest ever
- I eat peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon, yum!
- I can't stand girls who pretend to be dumb to get a guy
- I desperately want more friends but I'm too chicken to go out and make any
- I have a love/hate relationship with sleep
- I could watch "How It's Made" 24/7
- I look like my Mother and surprisingly, I don't mind at all
I know, I didn't include anything earth shattering but it'll have to do for my first confession. Maybe next time I'll put in juicier things. Till next time.
Confession Time :)
- I secretly wish I had thicker lips. Not Angelina style, more like Anne Hathaway
- I love old music! Think Bing Crosby & Louis Armstrong
- I try to be a realist but I am actually a hopeless romantic. Shocking I know!
- I, along with every other mother on the planet, think my son is the cutest ever
- I eat peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon, yum!
- I can't stand girls who pretend to be dumb to get a guy
- I desperately want more friends but I'm too chicken to go out and make any
- I have a love/hate relationship with sleep
- I could watch "How It's Made" 24/7
- I look like my Mother and surprisingly, I don't mind at all
I know, I didn't include anything earth shattering but it'll have to do for my first confession. Maybe next time I'll put in juicier things. Till next time.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Just Write
Before I started fall semester I was questioning if I really wanted to be an English teacher but now I know it is what I am supposed to do. I would love to say I was born to be a mother and wife but that's just not the case. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother and I would love the opportunity to be a wife again someday. But I am born to write and teach.
When I was a little girl I dreamt of being a teacher but I lost sight of that dream along the way. As a teenager I wrote as a release. I would write anything; poems, short stories, rants or unsent letters. After high school and marriage writing didn't make sense anymore. I eventually stopped writing and lost a huge part of myself.
Due to necessity I chose to go back and get a degree. I had a very hard time deciding on a major. I felt that if I had to work I needed to do something I love. Thankfully my mother convinced me to go into English. I was forced to begin writing again and I'm so excited about it. The more I wrote the more I felt like myself again. I know I still have a ton of work to do but I'm ready for it. If I keep writing I will be just fine no matter how hard things might get.
When I was a little girl I dreamt of being a teacher but I lost sight of that dream along the way. As a teenager I wrote as a release. I would write anything; poems, short stories, rants or unsent letters. After high school and marriage writing didn't make sense anymore. I eventually stopped writing and lost a huge part of myself.
Due to necessity I chose to go back and get a degree. I had a very hard time deciding on a major. I felt that if I had to work I needed to do something I love. Thankfully my mother convinced me to go into English. I was forced to begin writing again and I'm so excited about it. The more I wrote the more I felt like myself again. I know I still have a ton of work to do but I'm ready for it. If I keep writing I will be just fine no matter how hard things might get.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Some Dreams Shouldn't Come True
I have decided that dreams are a form of cruel and unusual punishment.
I remember my dreams about 80% of the time and only a few of them are pleasant. My dreams seem to be getting worse the older I get. I've had them all; falling, being chased, going to school naked, violence and betrayal. The absolute worst ones are when something is happening to Parker and I can't save him. I have even attended his funeral in a dream once, I actually woke up crying.
Other times I'll have dreams about my day. For example, if I watch a disheartening movie I'll dream about something similar. If I watch something on the news I'll dream about the same thing happening to me. The real problem is that the dreams seem very real.
After I have bad dreams I end up laying in bed for hours and then I spend the entire next day agonizing about them. My Mom usually has awful dreams to. I always wondered what she meant about not resting, I think I'm starting to understand. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever sleep restfully again.
I remember my dreams about 80% of the time and only a few of them are pleasant. My dreams seem to be getting worse the older I get. I've had them all; falling, being chased, going to school naked, violence and betrayal. The absolute worst ones are when something is happening to Parker and I can't save him. I have even attended his funeral in a dream once, I actually woke up crying.
Other times I'll have dreams about my day. For example, if I watch a disheartening movie I'll dream about something similar. If I watch something on the news I'll dream about the same thing happening to me. The real problem is that the dreams seem very real.
After I have bad dreams I end up laying in bed for hours and then I spend the entire next day agonizing about them. My Mom usually has awful dreams to. I always wondered what she meant about not resting, I think I'm starting to understand. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever sleep restfully again.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Perspective Is Everything
Today I was lucky. I got to walk Parker to the bus stop for the first time. I'm usually in class but today one of my instructors was out with the flu. Woohoo for class being cancelled!!! Ok, I can continue now. I got up and got him ready for school. I'm not sure how long it's been since that's happened. We watched a little TV. Then we got all bundled up. Hood? Check. Gloves? Check. Coat? Check. Scarf? Check. As you may have guessed, it was really frickin cold. Finally it was time to head out.
Off we went down the street, Parker looked so cute in all his layers. He was chatting about the cars and other people on the street. Once we got to the stop, Parker took his bag off and set it in his place in line. I knew that's how it was done but I was surprised that he knew what to do. He was a bus stop professional. He ran around playing in the snow till the bus came.
Then it happened. He got on the bus. The thing is, I had never really noticed how tiny he still is. He was dwarfed by the other children. I've been going through life thinking he's growing up too fast and then boom, like a streak of lightning, I am shown that he still has so much more growing to do.
As I walked home alone I was sad, proud and weighed down at the same time. Anytime I think about the responsibilities of motherhood I feel a whirlwind of emotions. Is that how it's supposed to be? Or am I just loosing my mind? Don't answer that.
Off we went down the street, Parker looked so cute in all his layers. He was chatting about the cars and other people on the street. Once we got to the stop, Parker took his bag off and set it in his place in line. I knew that's how it was done but I was surprised that he knew what to do. He was a bus stop professional. He ran around playing in the snow till the bus came.
Then it happened. He got on the bus. The thing is, I had never really noticed how tiny he still is. He was dwarfed by the other children. I've been going through life thinking he's growing up too fast and then boom, like a streak of lightning, I am shown that he still has so much more growing to do.
As I walked home alone I was sad, proud and weighed down at the same time. Anytime I think about the responsibilities of motherhood I feel a whirlwind of emotions. Is that how it's supposed to be? Or am I just loosing my mind? Don't answer that.
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