Birthday Blues

Sorry it's been so long since I updated my blog, you know how life goes sometimes.

Monday is my 29th birthday. I know it is completely cliche but my birthday is my favorite holiday. I have always loved birthdays and I try to make a big deal of them. Last year Q made my birthday very special even though he didn't think they are a big deal. He made an effort because it mattered to me. This year I have to face my special day without him. I am sad to think that I don't get to be with him. I have invited a few people over for dinner and I plan to spend the day enjoying myself with close friends. While I'm sure my b-day will be special, it won't be the same.

Since my last meltdown I've decided to pay more attention to how I'm feeling. I'm trying to be more aware of how I'm coping with life. I decided to get myself a few things for my b-day in honor of Q. I decided to give myself a break and accept help. I have ordered multiple books on learning to cope with grief and I'm actually kind of excited. The biggest gift I have decided to give myself is counseling. The U of U has a clinic that gives licensed psychiatrists the chance to work on their specialties by working with people like me (a.k.a. broke and helpless lost causes.) I went for a consultation with the clinic director and I am now on the waiting list.

I think that Q would be proud of me learning to deal with his death in a healthy way. Who knows, maybe I'll learn some things about myself along the way.

Dreaming Denial

I thought that I was getting pretty far in the acceptance process but I had a really strange dream last night that makes me wonder if I'm really as far as I thought. In my waking hours I am fully aware that Quinn isn't going to show up and say just kidding. But last night in my dream I honestly thought he would.

I was at an airshow. As I watched the planes fly around I truly believed that one of them would land and he would be the pilot to get out. It was so sure that he was safe and we would continue our lives together.

At some point in my dream I began to realize that he wouldn't be the one to get out of the plane. The horrible part is that I couldn't just wake up and realize it was just a dream, that would be too peaceful. I had to fully experience the panic and pain of losing him all over again in my sleep. My fear weaved itself into my dream. I dreamt that the plane I imagined him to be in crashed and we rushed to save him. When we got there he was gone. It was just an empty cockpit among the wreckage.

I am really surprised by how strongly I believed that he would land safely and come home. I've been focusing so much on trying to live life that I have forgotten how much it still hurts. Today it has been very apparent. I have seen his face everywhere and every thought brings a memory of him to mind. I guess maybe I need to try harder to balance dealing with my emotions and living life.