Sorry it's been so long since I updated my blog, you know how life goes sometimes.
Monday is my 29th birthday. I know it is completely cliche but my birthday is my favorite holiday. I have always loved birthdays and I try to make a big deal of them. Last year Q made my birthday very special even though he didn't think they are a big deal. He made an effort because it mattered to me. This year I have to face my special day without him. I am sad to think that I don't get to be with him. I have invited a few people over for dinner and I plan to spend the day enjoying myself with close friends. While I'm sure my b-day will be special, it won't be the same.
Since my last meltdown I've decided to pay more attention to how I'm feeling. I'm trying to be more aware of how I'm coping with life. I decided to get myself a few things for my b-day in honor of Q. I decided to give myself a break and accept help. I have ordered multiple books on learning to cope with grief and I'm actually kind of excited. The biggest gift I have decided to give myself is counseling. The U of U has a clinic that gives licensed psychiatrists the chance to work on their specialties by working with people like me (a.k.a. broke and helpless lost causes.) I went for a consultation with the clinic director and I am now on the waiting list.
I think that Q would be proud of me learning to deal with his death in a healthy way. Who knows, maybe I'll learn some things about myself along the way.
I recently heard wise advice to "be mindful of how you are feeling." I've been trying to do that. And it sounds like you are too. More advice, "live in the moment," and always look forward. Working on those two things too.
ReplyDeleteAfter 14 years, I'm finally going to see a counselor. Hoorah for you! Go, NOW! So you aren't screwed up when you are an old lady
I turned 29 on November 24th. I didn't know we are only 2 days apart!!! EERY.
ReplyDeleteI'm with our sorority sister Kelly. I never really went, and wonder now if I should. At first, it was honestly too much to say. Too much to feel. I never felt an hour session could even scratch the surface. But as you sort the basics out, even put them into categories...you can actually tackle one category at a time. Like those odd quirks we discussed a lunch a couple months ago, that we figured out together AREN'T that odd, since we both went through them. Now I feel like I should get a counselor. When I was up at the U, I saw the counselors there. It was cheap and helped me with stress and ADD.
I'm rooting for you and think of you all the time. I ache to think of you at this point in the journey you never chose. I thank you for your words and articulation, because every time I read your blog, you say something I want to but never could spit out right. Bless you sister!
xoxoxo