I thought that I was getting pretty far in the acceptance process but I had a really strange dream last night that makes me wonder if I'm really as far as I thought. In my waking hours I am fully aware that Quinn isn't going to show up and say just kidding. But last night in my dream I honestly thought he would.
I was at an airshow. As I watched the planes fly around I truly believed that one of them would land and he would be the pilot to get out. It was so sure that he was safe and we would continue our lives together.
At some point in my dream I began to realize that he wouldn't be the one to get out of the plane. The horrible part is that I couldn't just wake up and realize it was just a dream, that would be too peaceful. I had to fully experience the panic and pain of losing him all over again in my sleep. My fear weaved itself into my dream. I dreamt that the plane I imagined him to be in crashed and we rushed to save him. When we got there he was gone. It was just an empty cockpit among the wreckage.
I am really surprised by how strongly I believed that he would land safely and come home. I've been focusing so much on trying to live life that I have forgotten how much it still hurts. Today it has been very apparent. I have seen his face everywhere and every thought brings a memory of him to mind. I guess maybe I need to try harder to balance dealing with my emotions and living life.
It's 3 months now since my dearly beloved husband died. I'm 73 and usually a very strong person but I am still reduced to crying and sadness every day. I understand how you feel. There are those who tell me what they think I should be doing and why but they don't have a clue as to the agony. I want to find help but what I'm finding on line is that we're all struggling just to get through each day and no one has a success story.
ReplyDeleteNora