4 Months

It feels like it has been so long but I have only just begun. I never expected my life to change so abruptly. I never expected that I would experience something that would force itself into every thought. I went through life thinking nothing like that would ever happen to me. I guess I was wrong.

Towing aerial banners is one of the most dangerous jobs in the aviation industry. I knew it was dangerous when Q took the job but his love for flying was greater than the risk. Or so I thought. Every time he walked out the door to go fly that banner I feared that he wouldn't come home. I remember thinking it that last day too. Every time I pushed the thought out of my head. He was the best pilot I knew and I had seen him pick up banner after banner. I told myself that he would be ok.

I don't know why the engine lost power that day or why there had to be a sudden wind gust that forced him into the ground. I don't know why any of it had to happen the way it did. I suppose I'm only wasting my time trying to figure it out.

What I do know is that I think about that day all the time. Different things about it stick with me at different times. I think about the smells and sounds. The way the plane looked after the accident compared to what it looked like before. I remember standing at the crash site the next day trying to figure out exactly what happened. I remember the feeling of those first few moments. The look on my mother's face when I pulled up to the house. I remember how much it hurt the first time I said "He's dead." I remember the last words he said to me. The last meal we ate together. I remember all of it, every day.

The pain is beginning to turn from a sharp pain to a dull ache. I am no longer shocked and I am beginning to find my way again. The thing that plagues me now is memory. Some of it is sweet and wonderful. But it is mostly memories of that awful day. I am beginning to wonder how long it will be until I have a full day without images of the crash site popping into my head. How long will it be before I stop reliving that day?

I miss Quinn so much that words don't even begin to scratch the surface. Four months down, a lifetime left to go.