June Anniversaries

It's June, which means that I've almost survived a year without Quinn. It will be one full year on June 26th. Our anniversary was also in June, today would have been two years together.

It's amazing to me that two years ago today I met the man that would change my life forever. I was so nervous. We made plans to meet at Olive Garden for dinner but because of my nerves I ended up being very early. I can still remember the first time I saw him. I remember what he was wearing, how he smelled and the strange feeling I had.

He was wearing a white polo t-shirt and jeans. He smelled like polo cologne, and he had a huge smile. He was different than anyone I'd ever met before. It's cheesy to say that I knew I wanted to be with him from the moment I met him, but cheesy or not that's how it was. I remember sitting with my cousin, shortly after meeting Quinn. I told her all about him, I was completely head over heels for him. And we had only been on one date.

The next year was the best year of my life. I have never felt more secure and loved than I did then. The funny thing about it is, we never did any extravagant dates that I would normally think of as romantic. But somehow, Quinn always found ways to make anything we did romantic. Whether we were attending an air show, visiting the zoo or building a garage. For the first time in my entire life, I let someone into my heart without any hesitation. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted another human being. For me there was never any question, I knew I belonged with him.

On our anniversary last year we both did our best to make the other feel special. One night a couple days before our anniversary I surprised Quinn with a candle lit dinner. I was never the domestic type so he was really impressed. He came home from work to a dark house, quiet music playing, candles and food on the table and the woman he loved waiting for him. For me, he decided a family date would be meaningful. He had gone flying in the morning with his friend Cory while I hosted a baby shower for my cousin. He impressed all of my family when he texted saying he would be flying over my house. I loved when he would circle around in the sky above me waving his wings. Then he came and picked Parker and I up for a Bees game. It was a fantastic night, it felt so good to be a part of a complete family again. The pictures we took that night are the last I would ever have of Quinn.

20 days later I got the phone call that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. You know that scene in the movies, when a wife is told of her husband's death and she screams? I used to think that was just a dramatic reaction for the screen. It isn't, I screamed like that. I was driving to my mother's house, I'm not sure how I got there safely in the state I was in. But as I drove, I screamed like you see in the movies. I kept repeating the words, "No God, please no." "Don't let this be happening." I had never hurt like that before, I don't know if I will ever hurt like that again. Nothing can describe it.

It's more than just pain, it is a force. It shakes everything you thought you once knew. The force of grief is enough to make you forget everything else. Under normal circumstances I never would have jeopardized my life by getting in the car and driving in those conditions. I would have paused and thought about Parker and what it would do to him if something happened. I would think about my family, or the families of someone else driving on the road that I put in danger. My only thought in that moment was to get to my Mom. I knew she couldn't fix it, but I needed my Mommy.

The force of grief was enough to make a 28 year old woman crumble under the weight of it. For the last year I have tried to put myself back together. I think I have succeeded but like a broken vase that has been glued back together I have visible cracks. I have parts of me that will never quite match up the way they once did. There are chips of me missing, gaps in the whole.

I know I am stronger than I was back then. I can feel the difference in myself and for that I am grateful. I know this month is going to be a difficult one, it already has been. I am already having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I'm back to crying everyday, I'm back to feeling tired, drained and unmotivated. I have 20 more days until I've made it through my year of hell.

Let the countdown begin.