Almost 3 Months

This Sunday will be the three month anniversary. I am doing this post early because I want it to be about more than just my wallowing. As you can see, the grave marker has been installed. It is perfect. Q would be happy with the way it turned out. For me, it seems like the final piece has fallen into place. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. There is no more denying reality now that this stone has been set. (Not like I could deny it before)

You know, it's strange the things I focus on to get me through. I try seeing this pain as a gift from me to him, so that he didn't ever have to feel the way I do. I imagine Q sitting in the cockpit of every plane I see, silently guiding the pilots home. Somehow, I feel better about him being gone if he's helping others stay safe. I dream of carrying on his legacy by learning how to fly. I know if I do, he'll be there on my first solo flight. I dream of opening our little deli one day and naming it after Q. When unexplained things happen, he is always my first thought. When I am worried about Parker, I hope Q is there being his guardian angel. I constantly think about my "Eye in the sky". Every once in a while, I feel him with me.

A little history about the eye in the sky thing. When Q was flying on a weekday, he would plan ahead and fly near I-15 around 5:20 and text me to tell me what the traffic was like that day. He would always start those texts with "Your personal eye in the sky here". Now, I feel like he is watching over me and all the people he loves.

I miss my Sparky. I miss everything about him. I miss him so intensely that I find it difficult to breathe at times. Sometimes I feel silly crying over small things. At times, I feel selfish and flat. Like I'm only playing one tune. I feel terrible for those who have been by my side through all this. I am grateful to have so many people supporting me but I feel like I've been neglecting their needs. I have found out who my true friends are and who I can't count on. I feel myself getting stronger. It is like training for a marathon. You can see the progress you've made in your down time but when you are training you feel weary, tired, stagnant and discouraged.

I am far from in the clear. I feel like a 14 year old girl again, crying and not knowing why. I am getting used to strange things upsetting me. I am learning to deal with smelling his cologne somewhere and hearing his ringtone. I used to stop in my tracks and whip around, convinced that he would be there telling me it was all a joke. I am learning to wait before acting to gauge my true feelings. I am learning how to let people know what they mean to me instead of assuming they already know. I am learning how to be happy without feeling guilt. I am learning how to build a good life for myself. I am learning how to be grateful for what I have instead of looking at what I'm missing. I am working on improving myself everyday. I am building a life that will make Q as proud of me as I am of him.