It feels like it has been so long but I have only just begun. I never expected my life to change so abruptly. I never expected that I would experience something that would force itself into every thought. I went through life thinking nothing like that would ever happen to me. I guess I was wrong.
Towing aerial banners is one of the most dangerous jobs in the aviation industry. I knew it was dangerous when Q took the job but his love for flying was greater than the risk. Or so I thought. Every time he walked out the door to go fly that banner I feared that he wouldn't come home. I remember thinking it that last day too. Every time I pushed the thought out of my head. He was the best pilot I knew and I had seen him pick up banner after banner. I told myself that he would be ok.
I don't know why the engine lost power that day or why there had to be a sudden wind gust that forced him into the ground. I don't know why any of it had to happen the way it did. I suppose I'm only wasting my time trying to figure it out.
What I do know is that I think about that day all the time. Different things about it stick with me at different times. I think about the smells and sounds. The way the plane looked after the accident compared to what it looked like before. I remember standing at the crash site the next day trying to figure out exactly what happened. I remember the feeling of those first few moments. The look on my mother's face when I pulled up to the house. I remember how much it hurt the first time I said "He's dead." I remember the last words he said to me. The last meal we ate together. I remember all of it, every day.
The pain is beginning to turn from a sharp pain to a dull ache. I am no longer shocked and I am beginning to find my way again. The thing that plagues me now is memory. Some of it is sweet and wonderful. But it is mostly memories of that awful day. I am beginning to wonder how long it will be until I have a full day without images of the crash site popping into my head. How long will it be before I stop reliving that day?
I miss Quinn so much that words don't even begin to scratch the surface. Four months down, a lifetime left to go.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I'm Stunned
Something happened last night that broke my heart.
I was sitting on my bed with Parker looking at pictures on facebook. One of the photos I saw was of a friend of mine holding a certificate of completion for a phlebotomy course. I said it was cool and he asked why. I said she took a class and she passed, isn't that cool? Parker asked "She passed?" I said yes. Then he said, "You mean she died?"
My heart stopped. I assured him that no, that's not the kind of passed I meant. I explained what I meant the best I could. He seemed satisfied and left my room to go play. I just sat there. Completely stunned. My six year old hears the word passed and automatically associates it with death.
I feel terrible. I know that I can't help what happened, I can't change it. As much as I want to, it's not possible. But at the same time, I feel as if I've failed to protect him somehow. I feel like his carefree childhood has been ripped away.
I'm not sure what to do. I thought I had done everything I could to shelter him from the brunt of Q's death. Now, I feel like I need to do more but I don't know what.
I was sitting on my bed with Parker looking at pictures on facebook. One of the photos I saw was of a friend of mine holding a certificate of completion for a phlebotomy course. I said it was cool and he asked why. I said she took a class and she passed, isn't that cool? Parker asked "She passed?" I said yes. Then he said, "You mean she died?"
My heart stopped. I assured him that no, that's not the kind of passed I meant. I explained what I meant the best I could. He seemed satisfied and left my room to go play. I just sat there. Completely stunned. My six year old hears the word passed and automatically associates it with death.
I feel terrible. I know that I can't help what happened, I can't change it. As much as I want to, it's not possible. But at the same time, I feel as if I've failed to protect him somehow. I feel like his carefree childhood has been ripped away.
I'm not sure what to do. I thought I had done everything I could to shelter him from the brunt of Q's death. Now, I feel like I need to do more but I don't know what.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Brutally Honest
I have been criticized by some for being too positive in my posts. I was shocked and hurt by their lack of understanding. Then I got to thinking, maybe these people really don't understand. I have tried to sensor my thoughts here so I don't worry or offend my readers. Maybe I am coming across as if I am not saddened. I have decided that for this post, I will be completely honest. I will let you know exactly what I go through on a daily basis.
I wake up emotionally drained from the nightmares that plague me throughout the night. I lie there wishing I could stay in bed forever. My head is usually pounding and my stomach is churning. I force myself out of bed. Sometimes I don't have the emotional or mental strength to push through. I cry in the shower 9 days out of 10. While I go through the motions of getting ready I give myself a pep talk to get me through the day. I put on my happy face and walk out the door.
I drive to school in a daze, telling myself over and over "I can do this". Then I sit in class, trying to make myself focus. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. After my classes I try to think about what I want to eat for lunch. Most of the time I don't want to eat anything. If I am hungry nothing sounds appealing. I generally dread going to work. I want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers. I want to tell myself that Q is just working and he'll be home before I know it. When reality really sinks in I feel nauseated.
In the evening, I still don't want to eat. I find a little more comfort with Parker there though. He is always so happy and funny that it's easy to forget everything for a while. I am always so tired that I must seem boring to him. He has started wanting to fall asleep with music playing, he has fewer nightmares when he does. I can only imagine why but I think it's to help keep the sad thoughts away.
I should go to sleep as soon as Parker is in bed but I never do. I turn on my tv and my computer, trying to drown out the world. I deflate quickly as I lie staring at Q's picture that I keep by my bed. Even after I turn everything off I don't fall asleep. I toss and turn, I cry again. Sometimes I talk to Q. Other times I position the pillows on his side of the bed so I don't feel so alone. A queen size bed becomes a mile wide in the darkness of the night. My last thought is usually about being one day closer to seeing Q again. I try to tell myself I did well, I made it through another day. But, the problem is, I know I will have to make it through tomorrow, and the next day and so on.
I am often caught off guard and break down. The smell of his clothes hanging in my closet, a long forgotten photo, a song that we loved, a funny thought that I want to share with him, a bad day. All of these things can break me. The absolute worst is when Parker breaks down. He has nightmares about plane crashes and a number of other horrible things a 6 year old should never have to deal with. I stay strong long enough to get him through it and then I crumble.
My life is full of coping techniques that shift from one second to another. A lot of the time distraction is the only one that works. The one constant I have is the faith that I will be ok someday. I believe that one day, I will look back at my life and feel proud because I survived. One day I will stand on my own two feet again. I will laugh everyday again. I will not be broken forever. I hold onto this faith with every fiber of my being.
For now I am kept afloat by those closest to me. These people see the dark side of me. They are the ones who hold my hand as a scream and cry at the same time. They listen as I vent my anger about the world and at God. They listen without judgement, only love. They tell me I will be ok, that I can get through it. They are there to laugh with me on my good days and cry with me on my bad days. They keep me grounded, pick up the slack and help me keep going. They are the people I can call, day or night. They distract me when I need it and let me be alone when I need it. They take care of Parker when I am overwhelmed or need a break. They are my angels and my sanity.
This is a pain that I would not wish on anyone. It is constant and unwavering. It is soul crushing and heart breaking. It affects the lives of everyone near me. It is a pain that may lighten in intensity with time but it will never disappear. It is simply something I will learn to live with.
**The next post will be lighter. I promise**
I wake up emotionally drained from the nightmares that plague me throughout the night. I lie there wishing I could stay in bed forever. My head is usually pounding and my stomach is churning. I force myself out of bed. Sometimes I don't have the emotional or mental strength to push through. I cry in the shower 9 days out of 10. While I go through the motions of getting ready I give myself a pep talk to get me through the day. I put on my happy face and walk out the door.
I drive to school in a daze, telling myself over and over "I can do this". Then I sit in class, trying to make myself focus. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. After my classes I try to think about what I want to eat for lunch. Most of the time I don't want to eat anything. If I am hungry nothing sounds appealing. I generally dread going to work. I want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers. I want to tell myself that Q is just working and he'll be home before I know it. When reality really sinks in I feel nauseated.
In the evening, I still don't want to eat. I find a little more comfort with Parker there though. He is always so happy and funny that it's easy to forget everything for a while. I am always so tired that I must seem boring to him. He has started wanting to fall asleep with music playing, he has fewer nightmares when he does. I can only imagine why but I think it's to help keep the sad thoughts away.
I should go to sleep as soon as Parker is in bed but I never do. I turn on my tv and my computer, trying to drown out the world. I deflate quickly as I lie staring at Q's picture that I keep by my bed. Even after I turn everything off I don't fall asleep. I toss and turn, I cry again. Sometimes I talk to Q. Other times I position the pillows on his side of the bed so I don't feel so alone. A queen size bed becomes a mile wide in the darkness of the night. My last thought is usually about being one day closer to seeing Q again. I try to tell myself I did well, I made it through another day. But, the problem is, I know I will have to make it through tomorrow, and the next day and so on.
I am often caught off guard and break down. The smell of his clothes hanging in my closet, a long forgotten photo, a song that we loved, a funny thought that I want to share with him, a bad day. All of these things can break me. The absolute worst is when Parker breaks down. He has nightmares about plane crashes and a number of other horrible things a 6 year old should never have to deal with. I stay strong long enough to get him through it and then I crumble.
My life is full of coping techniques that shift from one second to another. A lot of the time distraction is the only one that works. The one constant I have is the faith that I will be ok someday. I believe that one day, I will look back at my life and feel proud because I survived. One day I will stand on my own two feet again. I will laugh everyday again. I will not be broken forever. I hold onto this faith with every fiber of my being.
For now I am kept afloat by those closest to me. These people see the dark side of me. They are the ones who hold my hand as a scream and cry at the same time. They listen as I vent my anger about the world and at God. They listen without judgement, only love. They tell me I will be ok, that I can get through it. They are there to laugh with me on my good days and cry with me on my bad days. They keep me grounded, pick up the slack and help me keep going. They are the people I can call, day or night. They distract me when I need it and let me be alone when I need it. They take care of Parker when I am overwhelmed or need a break. They are my angels and my sanity.
This is a pain that I would not wish on anyone. It is constant and unwavering. It is soul crushing and heart breaking. It affects the lives of everyone near me. It is a pain that may lighten in intensity with time but it will never disappear. It is simply something I will learn to live with.
**The next post will be lighter. I promise**
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