Baby Bird

Tomorrow my sweet little boy starts elementary school, I'm very excited for him. It's a big step, he will learn so much, it will help shape the man he will grow up to be. I'm very proud that he's ready to go off and be his own person, make his own friends and have his own experiences. At the same time though I am deeply saddened by the realization that he's no longer my little baby. He's very much a boy now, becoming more independent by the minute. When did that happen? He was supposed to stay my little baby forever.

It seems like only a few moments ago I brought him home for the first time. I remember it all so well, I was terrified...he was tiny. I remember laying in bed listening to him breath on the monitor, holding him and wondering how I could love someone so much. Thinking about all the things we would do, wondering what kind of personality he'd have.

I still wonder how I could love someone so much but now I get the pleasure of talking to him and seeing who he is. I love the way his mind works, how he thinks and the funny things he says. I didn't realize him going to school would hit me like this. I thought I would be the Mom that could rationalize the emotion away. I guess I still have some things to learn about myself.

College of Terror

I start fall semester this week, and I'm finding it very difficult to stay in control of myself. I have an overwhelming desire to rip my hair out and run screaming into the night. That would be quite the sight, not very productive though. The questions of where would I end up and what I would do with my life are the only things keeping my feet planted in one spot.

I am absolutely terrified, why? Logically school makes sense; improving myself, expanding my knowledge, creating a secure life for me and my son, meeting new and exciting people. Strangely enough all those things that make sense are also the things I'm terrified of...it's the unknown. What will I be like when I know more, when I'm a "grown-up" with a real career? Who will I meet? The idea of meeting and impressing new people is enough to make me want to stay away.

Lets talk about the workload now. For some reason I've become a perfectionist (where did that come from?) and it's getting worse the older I get. I succeeded in my quest for perfection summer semester but I'm not so sure I can do the same when I'm up against 16 credit hours a week. I want to finish on time, early if at all possible...but is it worth the price I'm gonna end up paying? How will I react if I get a low grade, or if I have to drop a class?

Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much, I usually do. I'm creating problems that don't really exist. Perhaps I should just put my head down and get to it, stop thinking...just do what needs to be done and think about it later. I guess that's my plan because running isn't an option. It's not a very well thought out plan but that's kind of the point.

Pride and Joy

Parenting takes a lot of work, more than anyone could ever explain. But all of this work also comes with the greatest rewards this world has to offer. With all the hard work, sleepless nights and stressful moments it's easy to get lost in the struggle. Somehow though, just when I feel like there is no relief, here comes my sweet boy, with open arms handing out special moments. I've been lucky enough to have three such moments in just the last 24 hours, maybe he sensed my need for reassurance, or maybe he's just that type of boy. I don't know.

He went to the doctor yesterday afternoon for his pre-kindergarten check-up. He had to get four immunizations, and he didn't cry. He called me as soon as the appointment was over to tell me how brave he'd been, I am so proud of him. I know it must sound silly to all you non-parents, but it is a very big step for him. He even let the doctor put band aids on, he's absolutely terrified of band aids. He's growing up so fast, I can hardly believe it.

Last night while we were getting ready for bed, he went into a room and forgot to turn on the light. I turned in on for him without even thinking when I heard the smallest little "Thank you Mommy" It stopped me in my tracks, he actually said thank you without being prompted! I thought to myself "My parenting is actually working, I'm doing something right!" I melted! Then he said, "I didn't need it though" and I was immediately brought back down to earth. Yes, he is in fact a normal 5 year old boy who had a momentary lapse of judgement, but I'll remember it forever.

My final memorable moment happened this morning. I was getting ready for work as I always do, I thought he was playing in the front room when he came walking into the bathroom holding a rose from our flower garden. "Here Mommy, this is for you...smell it!" It wasn't the prettiest rose in the garden but it had the sweetest scent, he picked the one that smelled the prettiest.

I have the best little boy around, he is so sweet and loving! I am very happy to be his Mommy!

A little insight

I generally hold back with everything I do, I always have. I've held back in the effort I put forth towards work, school, in what I allow people to see about me and how close I let myself get to others. I do this as a self protection mechanism, if I'm not completely involved in something I won't fall apart if it fails. There is a price that must be paid for that protection though. I've never been very successful and I've never made a lasting connection with another person. I'm coming to realize it's not worth it. I long for the relationships I see other people have and I know I can never have that until I let go of my fear and trust others. I've decided today that I'm done being fearful, I'm going to go out and find that person that I can trust completely. I will let them in and if they hurt me so be it, I'm strong enough to survive it. I'm tired of going through life alone when I'm constantly surrounded. Enough is enough, it's time to let go of control and jump with both feet. I have a feeling it's gonna be the ride of my life. Wish me luck!