In My Opinion

Okay, before I begin this post please know, this is not directed to or about anyone, it is just me voicing my perceptions.

One thing I have noticed throughout this process is that everything changes whether you want it to or not. Of course life changes with the loss of someone you love but small things are constantly changing too. Emotions may shift at anytime, simple things may set you off yet big things don't phase you, perceptions of your world vary by the minute. An interesting thing is that it's not all internal, some of it is external. For example, people may treat you differently or the same depending on the situation.

I don't think people are trying to treat us differently, I think it just happens because they don't know what to say or do. You can be laughing and having a great time when someone cracks a joke. After the joke they may think, "Oh, that probably wasn't appropriate." Inevitably this person will be embarrassed even if you aren't hurt/offended. After that they may try any number of things to make it better. Apologizing, back peddling or avoidance are the most common techniques. I cannot speak for others and I wouldn't want to. But for me, I would rather be treated normally even if it might offend sometimes. In those first weeks I reveled in being normal. The greatest thing was having someone ask how I was doing without a look of pity on their face. It was the beginning of rejoining the world. With the shock of loss and grief comes a feeling of alienation. A feeling of, "I'm not normal" because you don't know what to expect. It also comes because there are times when you don't recognize yourself.

There is no way to describe joining this sad little club unless you've done it. There are so many strange moments. Words do not exist to describe the force of being thrust into a new life. I imagine it feels as foreign as living on Mars. Everything you ever thought you knew is put into question. Everything you thought you had is gone. All the work you put into building your life suddenly doesn't matter. You feel as if you did it all for nothing. Your soul is ripped from your body and shattered. You wish your heart would stop beating so you could stop hurting but it won't. You keep breathing, wishing, hoping, wondering. The thoughts that come into your head scare you and comfort you. You rejoice in making it through another day but crumble at the thought of sleeping alone. You become an expert at the "I'm fine" face. You become keenly aware of who you can and cannot trust. You spend all your energy compartmentalizing your life just to survive. Survival is both the goal and the curse you carry with you at all times.

I don't mean to tell you all these depressing things so you feel sorry for those grieving. It is to illustrate that normalcy is the equivalent of paradise. When you live in a world you no longer recognize, a glimpse of being normal again can be what gets you through the day. As with everything it varies by person and situation. Use discretion to the best of your ability. If you are lucky enough to be in the inner circle of someone grieving, be willing to laugh and cry in a span of five minutes. Do your best to read what that person needs at that moment. Don't take it personally if they need to be sad more than happy. Be patient, be loving, be there for them in every way possible. Most of all, be yourself. You wouldn't be in the inner circle if you weren't trusted and loved.

Okay, enough sadness. It's memory time. I relied on Q for a lot, especially venting. I vented about anything and everything. Once, I was very frustrated with work. He told me "It's just a job, not your life. Don't take it personally." He also used to say, "You're making a big deal out of nothing." I find myself repeating those words in my head a lot lately. I can imagine him when I'm feeling really sorry for myself saying those words. "Don't take it personally, you're making a big deal out of nothing." I hope that, wherever he is, he knows how much he is helping me.