Two Months

It's been two months. I feel like I should have something poignant to say. Something about how much I've learned and grown. Something about how badly I still hurt. I got nothin.

I've been sitting here starting at the screen for 20 minutes. I start typing something and then delete it. I can't seem to think of anything, I'm just sitting here shaking my head.

I am beginning to accept what happened but this life still seems so foreign. I sit in class and think about going home to discuss something I'm learning with Q. Then I realize, almost instantly, that I can't go home and talk to him. (I still talk to him but now it's a one-sided conversation) This sort of thing has been happening all along but now I don't feel that sharp pain when I realize he's not here. I don't understand it. I still ache for him, I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss anything, I wish things were different. So why have I gone numb?

This is ridiculous. I whine about how much it hurts and that I want it to go away and now I'm whining about being numb. What the crap?

I keep telling myself tomorrow will be better. After today I can feel normal for another month. I need to focus on making it this far. I've made it through another month of my new life. I'm another month closer to seeing him again. It sounds horribly morbid to put it that way but there is a strange comfort in the idea.

Memory Time:
We went to the airshow at Hill AirForce Base last year. It was one of our first dates. It was the first day I noticed Q's love for aircraft. He spent all day telling me about all the different components on the planes. He pointed out his favorite WWII plane. I had so much fun but there is one thing I loved most about that day. It started raining in the middle of the day. It only rained for a few minutes, just a small summer storm. He stood behind me, holding me while it rained. I remember thinking it was so romantic. It felt so good to have him behind me. The rain was warm, it smelled so fresh and clean. He was whispering in my ear, flirting with me. I can still picture that day, I remember it like it just happened. There was just something about it that I can't let go of.