Little Triggers

I have been doing so much better, it is unbelievable. Of course doing better comes with more than just that. It comes with feeling guilty about not feeling devastated. It comes with wondering if I am not dedicated enough and a slew of other things. It just sucks but I suppose it is part of the process. Even with how much better I am feeling, little things can set me off.

Yesterday I went to Q's hangar to see his airplane for the last time. He spent years building his plane, it was his life. I thought I would be ok, I wasn't. He had been doing maintenance work trying to get it ready for Oshkosh. (For those who don't know, Oshkosh is a huge, week long airshow in WI) Cory, Q's best friend, shares the hangar with him. Cory had left everything untouched. I walked it and it looked like Q had just been there working. He had left everything the way he always did.

I am so grateful Cory gave that to me. Q had a certain way of doing things, he was very precise. I had gotten used to the way he left things, always just right. Even if it looked like a mess to the outsider, it wasn't, it was just Q. His organized clutter used to drive me crazy but yesterday I loved it.

I loved it and hated it all at once. It broke my heart all over again to see his things the way he left them. I silently cursed both Q and the plane for making me hurt like this. I just stared at it. I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't. I tried to look away but I couldn't. I gingerly ran my fingers over the tools, gears and bolts. It felt like I was touching him again. It felt like heaven and hell wrapped up together. I knew he wasn't coming back to finish the job but I wanted it so badly. I wanted him to ask me to hold something or fetch a tool. I wanted him there to call me his "lovely assistant". I wanted him to crack jokes about having his two loves together in one place.

I hated that plane at first. It was my competition, it had his heart. After a while, he started giving me his heart and I started loving that plane. We spent so many hours working on it together. He was sharing his whole world with me and I was soaking it up like a sponge. I cannot imagine anyone else flying that plane. I'm sure it will be sold, I am trying to find comfort it the thought of it giving someone else happiness. Maybe I'll get there someday, who knows.

Time for the memory of today. In accordance with the plane theme of this post, I will share a plane memory. This one is my favorite one of all so you should feel very special. I was teasing Q one day (I teased him a lot) about him not having room in his heart for me because he loved airplanes so much. In a completely serious tone he said "I'll just have to move the planes aside then." I was floored! He had been obsessed with planes since he was old enough to know what they were and he wanted to move them aside for me. I think it was the sweetest thing he ever said to me. It meant the world to me.