Getting Better

Since the one month anniversary, I have been improving everyday. I am starting to come out of the daze I had been in. This morning as I was driving to work, I actually thought, "It's a really pretty day." Before I thought how unfair it was for the weather to be nice when I couldn't fully enjoy it.

I am changed because I knew Q. In some ways it's almost comical. I don't even think the same way anymore. Like when I crave Cafe Rio I think, "You and your Cafe Rio!" (He never fully understood my love affair with their food.) I look at the price when I buy things and grab the cheaper brand. I turn off my A/C in my car before getting out. (He said it's bad for the compressor if the A/C is on when you start your car.) I stand up for myself now and I know how to say no. (He was always pushing me to do that.)

Looking back, everything that is different is also better. I am still the same person. I still freak out over stupid things. I'm still moody, emotional, quirky and selfish. Nothing about who I really am changed, just my habits. I am a new & improved Becky and I really like it. Don't get me wrong, I still have a million things to work on (being patient) but I'll get there. I am very grateful for having known Q.

The best version of myself came out when I was with him. I think its because of who he was. He was kind, patient, loving, reliable, and dedicated. He loved my silly quirks so much that he started copying them. (Making food dance, saying sucketh) He would sit patiently while I had my selfish moments and then call me on my crap when I was done. He saw right through me, broke down all my walls & loved me anyway. He was the perfect compliment to me. We leveled each other out. He calmed me down and I livened him up. He taught me how to be frugal, I taught him how to go out and have a really good meal even if it meant spending a little more.

I've decided to start including a favorite memory at the end of each post. I need to lighten things up a bit. I hope you enjoy a look inside our world.

Every morning while we were getting ready, we would play tick-tac-toe on our bathroom mirror with dry erase markers. Except for when one of us would cheat, they were always stalemates. I was always the X, he was always the O. (To cheat, we would make our move outside the squares. I don't know why but it was funny every time.)

Life Lessons

I spent yesterday trying to re-center myself. I must say, it was one of the smartest decisions I've made so far. This process has been unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what it is like. I thought grief would cause emotional distress but I had no idea it could cause physical stress too.

I have known for a long time that people internalize stress. How and where it is internalized is different for each person. I have learned that I put my stress in my stomach and neck. Quite the self discovery huh? Why it took me 28 years to figure this out is a mystery.

Up till now I have been so consumed by my emotional pain that I didn't make the connection. I've been feeling like crap but was too distracted to figure out why. Now that the emotional stuff has subsided a bit, I am noticing the toll this has taken on my body.

I cannot believe how tight my neck muscles are. No wonder my head, neck, shoulders and back have been hurting. This morning I thought, "Wow, my head really hurts." then I noticed I have been raising my shoulders. What's that about? I'm holding my shoulders up in a sort of constant shrug. I don't know how long I've been doing it but I've caught myself a couple more times just today.

I am incredibly fatigued too. I can probably chalk that up to stress too. I, in all my brilliance, have decided the way to stay awake is caffeine. Let me just say, caffeine mixed with an already upset stomach doesn't go over very well.

I am trying to keep a healthy perspective on everything, even though sometimes I fail miserably at that. It's amazing to me the things I am learning. I have learned about my family and friends. About who they are and what is truly important. They are showing me that family is the most important thing we have. I am learning so much about myself. I'm finally figuring out who I am and who I want to become. I have learned about my own strength, what my priorities are & what I want for my future.

Bottom line? Right now, in this moment, I am ok. Someday I will be ok for more than a moment but I'll take what I can get.

One Month Anniversary

I haven't been able to write for a few days. I have been hiding from my thoughts. Doing everything I could to stay busy so I didn't have to feel anything. But no matter what I do, I can't get away from it. I have been dreading today. The hours leading up to today have been filled with agony.

Last night I hardly slept. I just stared into the darkness. I spent the hours crying, pleading, praying. I talked endlessly to a man who wasn't there. The last time I saw the clock it was 4:30. I must have drifted off into exhaustion shortly after that. I somehow woke up this morning and got ready for the day.

My contact lenses didn't want to stay in my swollen, red eyes. I couldn't cover up the bags under my eyes with makeup. I look like I've been hit by a Mack truck, I feel like it too. My world has been turned upside down. I have been shaken to the core. My plans have been shattered. The dust is just now beginning to settle.

They say it takes a month to form new habits. I suppose that is what I have done. I have formed the habits of survival. I get up and keep moving, no matter how weary I become. I have formed the habit of smiling when I feel like crying. I have formed the habit of lying when people ask how I am. I have formed the habit of making plans, but not counting on them. I have formed the habit of questioning everything and everyone. I have built walls around me hoping that I won't ever hurt like this again.

I have started planning a new life. I have tried to convince myself that I'll be better in the long run. Marriage and more children now exist as a distant dream, not a reality. Now my life consists of school, work, bills, laundry, bed time routines, schedules, expectations, reality. Fantasy has no place here. Happy endings are a childhood dream created by Disney to sell movies. I hide behind bitterness. I don't dare let my true self be seen by the world. I no longer want to be vulnerable.

As people go back to their lives, I am trying to rebuild mine. I am left standing in the rubble of my dreams. I am sifting through it all, trying to salvage what I can. I am holding onto every memory. I hold onto every conversation. I am holding onto the 385 days I was blessed to have with Q. I am holding onto everything possible.

I am mourning more than just a lost love. I am mourning the years of dreams I had built in my head. I am mourning the children that we will never have. I am mourning the home I will never see through to completion. I am mourning the memories we never got to make. I am mourning the hopes I carried through my life.

One month later. One month since the worst day of my life. One month of gut wrenching, heart breaking, hope shattering darkness. One month of silently screaming. One month of keeping it together. One month of waking up alone. One month of telling myself, "Tomorrow will be better."

Eternally Grateful

Clearly, I am on a downward spiral again. Yesterday's post removed all doubt of that. I have received many phone calls, emails and comments proving those fears wrong. People have given me the answers to those questions. My friends and family have helped me to see that I had something real with Q. They reminded me that he did love me and he wanted to spend his life with me. I now find myself overwhelmed. I wish I could find words to thank you all. You have no idea how touched I am. You have helped keep my head above water.

The only thing I can use to describe this process is the ocean. Waves come and go, some bigger than others. Each time a wave has come, I have been submerged. I have felt as if there was no way out. I couldn't breathe. I was literally drowning in my grief. I was being pulled into the abyss of my mind. Eventually, I claw my way out but I get weaker with every wave. I have a harder time finding the surface. I get some relief when I am in the trough of the wave but I know that another wave will come and take me over again.

Just as before, this wave started coming. I could feel the force of it as it tried to knock me backwards. It came upon me slower than others have. I assumed because it was less forceful, it would be easier to swim through. This morning I woke to see that I was floundering. I was pushing though, swimming as hard as I could, trying to save myself.

That's when you all came to my rescue. One inch at a time, you lifted me out of the water. I am still not in the clear, my body is still submerged. But now I can breathe. I can see the sunlight. I can feel the breeze on my face. I can see the truth again. All because of you.

A few months ago, I was losing hope in humanity. I didn't think people were capable of selflessness anymore. Everyone seemed too consumed in their own lives. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have so many people helping me. I have more friends than I ever imagined. I have countless people I can call on, day or night. People I barely know have reached out to me in my moments of greatest need. None of you are required to care for me yet you do.

There are no words, in any language, to describe my gratefulness. It doesn't even come close but, Thank you!

Unanswered Questions

It's been just over 3 weeks now. I am still very emotional and moody. I know I should look back at the progress I've made. If I look at the big picture, I can see that I've come a long way. Sometimes I feel stronger because of this experience but most of the time I just don't know what I feel.

In the beginning, I thought "I'll never be mad at Q for leaving me, it wasn't his choice." I guess in all reality, I'm not mad at him for leaving. Surprisingly though, I am angry with the things he did/didn't do while he was here. Mostly I find myself asking unanswerable questions.

Why wouldn't he tell his family & friends how serious we were? Was it because he wasn't as serious about us as I thought? Why wouldn't he consider other options for the path our relationship could take? Why did it take him so long to call me a pet name? How could he talk about having babies with me but wouldn't talk about marrying me? Did he really love me as much as I loved him? What was he waiting for?

I'm sure this all goes back to me feeling hurt and confused. I'm not thinking rationally. It wasn't so long ago that I wrote about knowing he loved me. What happened to my certainty? I wish I could know what he was thinking. I want to know what his plan for us was.

I remember the first time I told him I wanted to spend my life with him. He asked me, "How can you be sure?" I told him all the reasons I was sure and he didn't say a word. It made me wonder, wasn't he sure? He second guessed everything he did, I liked that about him but I hoped I would be the exception. Maybe I was naive, maybe it was the little girl in me wishing for a fairy tale.

I know that I come as a package deal. I know that a little boy can be a big undertaking. I know it's a big decision. But he seemed to really enjoy being a father figure. Ugh! The problem with this whole thing is that I will never know. I have lost my love, best friend and confidant. Anytime I had doubts about anything, he would help me deal with it. He always knew the right thing to say.

At the risk of sounding sappy, this is not how I had planned my life to be. Now to sound like my son, this really isn't fair.

Memorial

This video was done by Cory's sister, Renee. Cory is Quinn's best friend. A big thanks to her for putting this together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_V8eVFJdWw

If the link doesn't work just copy and paste the url into your address bar.

Can't Think Straight

So much for being numb and in control. I think I've gone through every possible emotion since my last post. I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want. It's almost as if I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I cannot settle on one thought at a time. Every single thought/emotion I have is conflicting. For example, I know Q didn't choose to leave me but I'm still mad that he didn't keep his promise of staying by my side. I'm not talking about being mad and then progressing to a logical thought. I'm literally having both thoughts at the same time.

I don't understand anything anymore. I want to rewind life, I want to fast forward life. I want to run away. I want to be surrounded by people. I want to be left alone. I am in a room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs, yet no one can see me. I am grateful for people trying to understand but angry because most people never could. I listen to songs and become furious. Like, To Where You Are by Josh Groban. If he knew what this really feels like he wouldn't be able to sing that song. Then the next minute the song soothes me.

I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Why did Q have to leave? He wasn't doing anything wrong. Why can a 14 year old get pregnant but a husband and wife have to go through hell to have a baby? Why do some people live in miserable marriages for years and I don't even get one year of the marriage I wanted? Why, why, why?

I am jealous. I'm hurt and angry. I'm lonely and confused. I'm stuck in an awkward place between girlfriend and wife. I'm stuck there because I was trying to be responsible, patient, understanding. The week before he died I told my girlfriend that I was, "trusting in the process." Ugh! The thought of it just makes me sick. It is not fair. I know I sound like a kid throwing a tantrum but I don't care.

On top of it all, I have to be strong for my sweet little boy. Do you know how hard it is to be patient when you can't control your own emotions?! I find myself snapping at him, he doesn't deserve that. He is being a trooper. Amazingly he has been able to take my outbursts with a grain of salt and love me anyway. He has had such a hard time and now he has a crazy mommy. He's been acting out some so I ask him to try to vocalize what he's feeling but I don't even know how to do that.

This is not the real me. How long till I become me again? Will I ever be me again? You know that line in The Princess Bride? When Princess Buttercup has been kidnapped by The Dread Pirate Roberts. He's asking her how long it took to become engaged after her love died. She says, "I died that day!" I used to think she was being a drama queen about it but I don't anymore. A huge part of me died that day, a part of me that I'll never get back.

Gone but Not Forgotten
by Kelsey Y. Sheppard

You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could ever stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.

Going Through The Motions

I have hit plateau of sorts. Everyday is similar to Ground Hog's Day. I wake up and move through my day in a kind of daze. I'm going on auto pilot. There are still moments each day that I feel either happy or sad but I've become mostly numb. I guess it is better than constant aching but I long for the happiness I felt before. I feel stagnant even though I'm sure progress is being made. As a result of numb emotions, I've hit a writing wall. I cannot form the words in my head to describe my thoughts and feelings. So, as a solution, I will let others form the words for me. I plan to include poems or songs that have touched me in some way.

This first poem really caught my eye. It was almost like hearing Quinn speak directly to me.

Letter from Heaven
To my dearest family some things I'd like to say...
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay,
I'm writing this from Heaven. Here I dwell with God above
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you"

"It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone,
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you . . in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It always was my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and in pain,
then you can say to God at night..."My day was not in vain"
And now I am contented...that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is feeling sad and low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind

And when it's time for you to go . . from that body to be free,
Remember you're not going . . you're just coming here to me.
-Ruth Ann Mahaffey-
Copyright 1998

Regaining Control

Today is a much better day for me. I think the shock of losing Quinn is starting to fade. I don't wake up thinking he'll be next to me anymore. I am able to look at text messages without a twinge of pain because it's not from him. I am beginning to adjust to a life alone. Happiness is a long way off though.

I still miss him terribly. Nothing is as fun without him. I still wish I could change things somehow. I want my old life back but now I'm beginning to accept that it just isn't possible. I am sure I'm just at the peak of the roller coaster. I would be foolish to think I'm in the clear. I will plummet downward again but I am enjoying this moment.

I've decided to try and pull myself together. I've talked about feeling as if I have no control. I now realize that I may not have control over everything but I can control some things. I took the advice of grief experts and went to the gym.

It was heavenly! Ok, it wasn't so heavenly in the moment I was working out but now I feel great. I left the gym last night feeling like myself. I was in control for the first time in weeks. No one could tell me how to run or for how long. No one stopped me from working the muscles I wanted to work. No one could keep me from going inside my head and pushing forward. I think I have found a release and I'm loving it.

No Escape

Even with everything that has been going on, I had an escape route. Sleep. I could have a horrible day but when I went to bed I was fine. For the first time in my life, I slept peacefully. I was going all night without any dreams. I would wake up and feel like I could keep going in this marathon we call life.

A few days ago I started dreaming again. I suppose I didn't mind, I could see myself getting back to normal. Although, there is one problem with the normal me. All my life I have had horrible nightmares. It was only a matter of time, right?

I kept dreaming that I knew he would die and I couldn't do anything about it. Each time I woke myself up. It didn't matter though. I would go back to sleep and have the same type of dream only with different circumstances. Each time I tried to save him and each time I failed. I would try to keep him locked up in the house, or take him far away but something always happened.

I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. The whole day felt off. My emotions were so raw. I could barely finish a task without crying or getting angry over stupid things. Even now, several days later, I keep playing the dreams in my head. I cannot get away from the feeling of helplessness.

I can't get away from it because I do feel helpless. I feel as if I have no control over my life. I guess none of us have control. Like most people, I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought knew what my life was going to be like, how it would turn out. I thought wrong. All it takes is a split second for it all to change. I feel as if I've been punched in the face. My head is still spinning from the force of it.

I guess I can take this experience and use it to my advantage. Maybe I'll be more prepared if things don't go as I plan. Maybe I'll become less of a control freak. Hopefully I'll be able to roll with the punches. I have always been too much of a planner.

Every Second

Today I'm having a hard time dealing with the should have, could have, would haves. I am trying to stay in control of it. The last thing I need is regrets. The thoughts still creep in though.

I keep imagining what I would have done differently that last morning had I known. If I would have asked him to stay home. If I would have kissed him longer, held him tighter. Told him I loved him one more time. Every second of that day has come under scrutiny. I could make myself crazy if I dwell on it.

I guess that's the nature of the beast. My logical side is saying, "There's nothing you could have done." I think that if I had known, my actions would not mean as much. They would have seemed desperate and superficial. I am grateful for the last moments we had together. My emotional side doesn't want to hear anything about logic though. No, no, no. It says "Maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would still be here with you." "Maybe" is repeating like a broken record.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to command two completely different armies in the same war. I can't stay on either side for too long. I can't just ignore one side either. In order to stay sane, I need to give each sides equal consideration.

However, I do know something that is helping me get through it. I know Quinn loved me. Not because he had to but for who I am. He knew I loved him for who he was too. I have been able to find peace in that knowledge. We didn't say those three words very often. We chose instead to show our love through our actions. Because we didn't say "I love you" everyday, it meant more. The sound of it was sweeter because it was rare.

The bottom line is, I would not give up a single second we had together. I've had people ask, "If you knew then, what you know now, would you do it all again?" Absolutely! Yes, this hurts. Yes, I want him back. Yes, I wish we could've grown old together. But through it all, every ounce of agony, every tear, every single hellish moment is worth it.

I am better because he loved me. I have a vision for my future because of him. I am a better mother because of his example. I know how to take care of myself now. His love gave me strength to overcome my weaknesses. I can't ever go back to the old me. That person doesn't even exist anymore. She walked out the door the moment I met Quinn.

I hope that after reading this, you will make sure your family knows how you feel about them. Live every single day making sure they know you love them. Too often we take our stress out on our family. We give the best version of ourselves to the rest of the world. Something positive needs to come out of this. Make your family stronger in honor of Quinn.

Welcome to Crazy Town

Everything I've read about grieving says to expect the unexpected. Feel what you are feeling and don't worry about what's normal. Everyone responds differently. Blah, blah, blah. Not one of them says anything about feeling like a mental patient.

I expected to have roller coaster emotions. I knew I would have both good and bad days. I didn't know that I would have good-bad-good-normal-bad-good days. I have now entered crazy town!

Yesterday was horrendous! I woke up mad as a hornet and it went downhill from there pretty quickly. Not surprising considering everything going on right now. Imagine my delight when I woke up this morning rested and relatively happy. The dark rain cloud that had followed me yesterday was gone. Today was getting better too. I had no trouble getting to work, people were treating me like normal again, everything was going great.

I don't know what happened. By late-morning I was unhappy. I had gone from rested and cheerful to scrooge. Then, just as quickly as before, I was really happy. It was like a bi-polar episode. I started to feel normal again and then scrooge was back. Right now I'm feeling fine again. I'm back to the normal me, for the moment anyway.

I am beginning to wonder, did Aliens abduct me in the night and implant a crazy gene? In all seriousness though, this is really not cool. First, what the crap?! Second, why doesn't anyone tell you about feeling like this? Third, what the crap?! And fourth, how do I make it stop?

It is probably my lack of patience, but I'm ready to get off this train. I know time will solve everything and I was fine with that. I don't know how fine I am with it now that I've turned into someone I don't even recognize though. Doesn't my body know that I can only handle one mood at once?

I guess I'll just add this to the list of things to expect. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. It's all part of the process. This sucketh!

Dictionary of Becky
Sucketh - Slang. Sucking on a biblical level

First Time for Everything

After the first night, I was emotionally drained. My body ached and my head was pounding. I couldn't think, eat or drink. I kept crying. I wanted to stop crying but no matter what I did I couldn't. Because I hadn't eaten the night before my Aunt decided to take me for breakfast. The thing about that was, I didn't want to go anywhere I had been with Quinn. My family was running down the list of quick breakfast ideas but I didn't want any of it. Finally someone mentioned Einstein's bagels. I said "We never went there, I can eat that".

After choking down a bagel, my brother came to give me a priesthood blessing. I cannot express how much it helped me. It didn't take away the suffering, but it took the edge off. I felt like I could breathe again, I was able to sit still. My body stopped shaking. I had the overwhelming feeling that there was a reason for everything. I felt that even if I didn't understand it right then, I would someday. I could trust in a greater plan. The darkness that had surrounded me the night before lifted.

I started to notice milestones. Granted, they were teeny-tiny milestones. It was a big deal for me to do small things that we had done together. I drank my first Dr. Pepper & Pepsi and I felt accomplished. I was able to eat Cafe Rio and pizza. I held on to every one of those milestones. I discovered that if I took things one second at a time I could handle it. I remember saying things like, "I've gone 5 whole minutes without crying". For me, 5 minutes felt more like a year.

It was the smallest things that made me feel better that first few days. It was also the small things that would send me spiraling downward again. I remember feeling pretty good and then I looked at the clock. It had been 24 hours since the accident. I fell apart. We went to get flowers to take to the crash site so I bought a single rose. (Quinn always gave me a single rose) Of course I fell apart again, right in the middle of the flower section. I saw a commercial for a movie we had plans to see. It took everything I had to keep it together. I couldn't let myself be the girl who cries over a commercial.

The hardest thing was having to tell Parker. He had been camping with his dad for the weekend. I am so grateful that he had been gone. I do wish that Parker had more time with Quinn before he passed but I needed the time to grieve alone so I could be stronger for him. Parker is so lucky to have a wonderful father named Dan. He stayed and helped me tell Parker. Parker was able to have both parents hold him when he cried. Quinn had been Parker's best friend. I will never be able to repay Dan for being there emotionally when I couldn't. He picked up the slack, held Parker and made sure he felt loved.

Once we started planning the memorial things got better. I was doing something for Quinn. It was nice to have something else to focus on. I am so, so, so grateful to the Falk family for letting me be a part of the process. I started making it almost an hour before I needed to cry. Each day I cried less often. By the memorial service I was a functional human being again.

I wish I remembered more about that first week. I had so many conversations that have become blended together. I will always remember what was most important about that week. All the love that people freely gave me. So many people went out of their way to let me know they cared. Complete strangers told me they were praying for me. I have accomplished so many firsts and I have many more to overcome. Thanks to all you have done, I know I can make it through this. For that, I cannot thank you all enough!

New Chapter

I chose the description of "Each Chapter is a New Beginning" for my blog because I really do try to see change as an opportunity for new beginnings. I had no idea how true that statement was until now. I thought the chapters in life slowly molded and shifted to be something new, that change was a gradual thing. Up until now that is how it had been for me. I often became frustrated that change didn't happen fast enough. I was always looking forward instead of looking at what I had in that moment.

A little over a week ago I was given an awakening. It was one I never wanted but it came just the same. I started this blog to document my thoughts and I plan to continue. I want to document my personal grieving process. I hope that it will help me heal. So here we go.

When I woke up Saturday, June 26th I was in bliss. I was living in my first healthy relationship and things were progressing at a perfect pace. I had just moved in, we celebrated our first year together, we started talking marriage and future children, we were making big plans to open a business and complete our home together.

The late morning and early afternoon was filled with errands. We were being silly, laughing and joking. We went to lunch and talked about going four-wheeling. By 2pm Quinn was getting ready to go to work, I was making a list of things we needed from the store. It was business as usual.

He left for work and I started getting things done. I had wondered why he hadn't texted me but chalked it up to a turbulent flight. Just after 6pm I got the call. I remember his brother telling me the plane had crashed. He said something like "They can't identify the body". My heart broke. Suddenly Quinn went from being my sweetheart to being a "body". I don't remember many other specifics, just crying and screaming. I somehow drove to my parent's house. We went to the airport and it slowly became real.

In those first few moments it is amazing the things I was worried about. I had forgotten to turn the A/C off before running out the door. I kept saying how Quinn would be upset that I had left in on. I just kept hoping that he would be fine. I felt that if I could get there, I could fix it. That somehow my presence would heal him.

After talking to the police and seeing the crash site it was clear that my life would never be the same again. All the hopes and dreams I had for our future no longer existed. I felt lost, abandoned, empty, scared, confused. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand, I couldn't do anything but sob. I remember pulling it together to call my boss but I lost it again after I had to say "My boyfriend just died". That night was indescribably dark. It was filled with despair. I was going through my hell.

The next 24 hours were a blur. Family and friends came from all over to be with me. People were calling, emailing and doing everything they could to help. There must have been a trillion tears that night. A million prayers, thousands of I love yous, hundreds of hugs. Looking back I am so touched. I am very lucky to have so many people that love me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! All of you that sent good thoughts my way, prayed for us, loved us when we needed it the most. Words could never express how much you did to get me through that first night.