Can't Think Straight

So much for being numb and in control. I think I've gone through every possible emotion since my last post. I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want. It's almost as if I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I cannot settle on one thought at a time. Every single thought/emotion I have is conflicting. For example, I know Q didn't choose to leave me but I'm still mad that he didn't keep his promise of staying by my side. I'm not talking about being mad and then progressing to a logical thought. I'm literally having both thoughts at the same time.

I don't understand anything anymore. I want to rewind life, I want to fast forward life. I want to run away. I want to be surrounded by people. I want to be left alone. I am in a room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs, yet no one can see me. I am grateful for people trying to understand but angry because most people never could. I listen to songs and become furious. Like, To Where You Are by Josh Groban. If he knew what this really feels like he wouldn't be able to sing that song. Then the next minute the song soothes me.

I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Why did Q have to leave? He wasn't doing anything wrong. Why can a 14 year old get pregnant but a husband and wife have to go through hell to have a baby? Why do some people live in miserable marriages for years and I don't even get one year of the marriage I wanted? Why, why, why?

I am jealous. I'm hurt and angry. I'm lonely and confused. I'm stuck in an awkward place between girlfriend and wife. I'm stuck there because I was trying to be responsible, patient, understanding. The week before he died I told my girlfriend that I was, "trusting in the process." Ugh! The thought of it just makes me sick. It is not fair. I know I sound like a kid throwing a tantrum but I don't care.

On top of it all, I have to be strong for my sweet little boy. Do you know how hard it is to be patient when you can't control your own emotions?! I find myself snapping at him, he doesn't deserve that. He is being a trooper. Amazingly he has been able to take my outbursts with a grain of salt and love me anyway. He has had such a hard time and now he has a crazy mommy. He's been acting out some so I ask him to try to vocalize what he's feeling but I don't even know how to do that.

This is not the real me. How long till I become me again? Will I ever be me again? You know that line in The Princess Bride? When Princess Buttercup has been kidnapped by The Dread Pirate Roberts. He's asking her how long it took to become engaged after her love died. She says, "I died that day!" I used to think she was being a drama queen about it but I don't anymore. A huge part of me died that day, a part of me that I'll never get back.

Gone but Not Forgotten
by Kelsey Y. Sheppard

You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could ever stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.