New Chapter

I chose the description of "Each Chapter is a New Beginning" for my blog because I really do try to see change as an opportunity for new beginnings. I had no idea how true that statement was until now. I thought the chapters in life slowly molded and shifted to be something new, that change was a gradual thing. Up until now that is how it had been for me. I often became frustrated that change didn't happen fast enough. I was always looking forward instead of looking at what I had in that moment.

A little over a week ago I was given an awakening. It was one I never wanted but it came just the same. I started this blog to document my thoughts and I plan to continue. I want to document my personal grieving process. I hope that it will help me heal. So here we go.

When I woke up Saturday, June 26th I was in bliss. I was living in my first healthy relationship and things were progressing at a perfect pace. I had just moved in, we celebrated our first year together, we started talking marriage and future children, we were making big plans to open a business and complete our home together.

The late morning and early afternoon was filled with errands. We were being silly, laughing and joking. We went to lunch and talked about going four-wheeling. By 2pm Quinn was getting ready to go to work, I was making a list of things we needed from the store. It was business as usual.

He left for work and I started getting things done. I had wondered why he hadn't texted me but chalked it up to a turbulent flight. Just after 6pm I got the call. I remember his brother telling me the plane had crashed. He said something like "They can't identify the body". My heart broke. Suddenly Quinn went from being my sweetheart to being a "body". I don't remember many other specifics, just crying and screaming. I somehow drove to my parent's house. We went to the airport and it slowly became real.

In those first few moments it is amazing the things I was worried about. I had forgotten to turn the A/C off before running out the door. I kept saying how Quinn would be upset that I had left in on. I just kept hoping that he would be fine. I felt that if I could get there, I could fix it. That somehow my presence would heal him.

After talking to the police and seeing the crash site it was clear that my life would never be the same again. All the hopes and dreams I had for our future no longer existed. I felt lost, abandoned, empty, scared, confused. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand, I couldn't do anything but sob. I remember pulling it together to call my boss but I lost it again after I had to say "My boyfriend just died". That night was indescribably dark. It was filled with despair. I was going through my hell.

The next 24 hours were a blur. Family and friends came from all over to be with me. People were calling, emailing and doing everything they could to help. There must have been a trillion tears that night. A million prayers, thousands of I love yous, hundreds of hugs. Looking back I am so touched. I am very lucky to have so many people that love me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! All of you that sent good thoughts my way, prayed for us, loved us when we needed it the most. Words could never express how much you did to get me through that first night.