Every Second

Today I'm having a hard time dealing with the should have, could have, would haves. I am trying to stay in control of it. The last thing I need is regrets. The thoughts still creep in though.

I keep imagining what I would have done differently that last morning had I known. If I would have asked him to stay home. If I would have kissed him longer, held him tighter. Told him I loved him one more time. Every second of that day has come under scrutiny. I could make myself crazy if I dwell on it.

I guess that's the nature of the beast. My logical side is saying, "There's nothing you could have done." I think that if I had known, my actions would not mean as much. They would have seemed desperate and superficial. I am grateful for the last moments we had together. My emotional side doesn't want to hear anything about logic though. No, no, no. It says "Maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would still be here with you." "Maybe" is repeating like a broken record.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to command two completely different armies in the same war. I can't stay on either side for too long. I can't just ignore one side either. In order to stay sane, I need to give each sides equal consideration.

However, I do know something that is helping me get through it. I know Quinn loved me. Not because he had to but for who I am. He knew I loved him for who he was too. I have been able to find peace in that knowledge. We didn't say those three words very often. We chose instead to show our love through our actions. Because we didn't say "I love you" everyday, it meant more. The sound of it was sweeter because it was rare.

The bottom line is, I would not give up a single second we had together. I've had people ask, "If you knew then, what you know now, would you do it all again?" Absolutely! Yes, this hurts. Yes, I want him back. Yes, I wish we could've grown old together. But through it all, every ounce of agony, every tear, every single hellish moment is worth it.

I am better because he loved me. I have a vision for my future because of him. I am a better mother because of his example. I know how to take care of myself now. His love gave me strength to overcome my weaknesses. I can't ever go back to the old me. That person doesn't even exist anymore. She walked out the door the moment I met Quinn.

I hope that after reading this, you will make sure your family knows how you feel about them. Live every single day making sure they know you love them. Too often we take our stress out on our family. We give the best version of ourselves to the rest of the world. Something positive needs to come out of this. Make your family stronger in honor of Quinn.