Clearly, I am on a downward spiral again. Yesterday's post removed all doubt of that. I have received many phone calls, emails and comments proving those fears wrong. People have given me the answers to those questions. My friends and family have helped me to see that I had something real with Q. They reminded me that he did love me and he wanted to spend his life with me. I now find myself overwhelmed. I wish I could find words to thank you all. You have no idea how touched I am. You have helped keep my head above water.
The only thing I can use to describe this process is the ocean. Waves come and go, some bigger than others. Each time a wave has come, I have been submerged. I have felt as if there was no way out. I couldn't breathe. I was literally drowning in my grief. I was being pulled into the abyss of my mind. Eventually, I claw my way out but I get weaker with every wave. I have a harder time finding the surface. I get some relief when I am in the trough of the wave but I know that another wave will come and take me over again.
Just as before, this wave started coming. I could feel the force of it as it tried to knock me backwards. It came upon me slower than others have. I assumed because it was less forceful, it would be easier to swim through. This morning I woke to see that I was floundering. I was pushing though, swimming as hard as I could, trying to save myself.
That's when you all came to my rescue. One inch at a time, you lifted me out of the water. I am still not in the clear, my body is still submerged. But now I can breathe. I can see the sunlight. I can feel the breeze on my face. I can see the truth again. All because of you.
A few months ago, I was losing hope in humanity. I didn't think people were capable of selflessness anymore. Everyone seemed too consumed in their own lives. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have so many people helping me. I have more friends than I ever imagined. I have countless people I can call on, day or night. People I barely know have reached out to me in my moments of greatest need. None of you are required to care for me yet you do.
There are no words, in any language, to describe my gratefulness. It doesn't even come close but, Thank you!
It's so overwhelming to keep up with all the people who reach out and try to help you. I remember being completely bombarded with support that I couldn't say enough thanks, then i'd feel guilty and undeserving.
ReplyDeleteThe wave analogy was AWESOME. One thing you may find (or may not) is that eventually you'll find yourself swaying to the ebb and flow of the sea, expecting the ins and outs of your grief, and they may not blindside you so much.
Of course then sometimes you're standing in the water of the ocean, knowing the tide so well by now, knowing the waves, thinking you've finally reclaimed your life...and a frisbee comes at you from out of nowhere and smacks you in the face. That's normal too. I have no doubt you'll gracefully roll with it.
Beach analogies are fun.
My love to you.