First Time for Everything

After the first night, I was emotionally drained. My body ached and my head was pounding. I couldn't think, eat or drink. I kept crying. I wanted to stop crying but no matter what I did I couldn't. Because I hadn't eaten the night before my Aunt decided to take me for breakfast. The thing about that was, I didn't want to go anywhere I had been with Quinn. My family was running down the list of quick breakfast ideas but I didn't want any of it. Finally someone mentioned Einstein's bagels. I said "We never went there, I can eat that".

After choking down a bagel, my brother came to give me a priesthood blessing. I cannot express how much it helped me. It didn't take away the suffering, but it took the edge off. I felt like I could breathe again, I was able to sit still. My body stopped shaking. I had the overwhelming feeling that there was a reason for everything. I felt that even if I didn't understand it right then, I would someday. I could trust in a greater plan. The darkness that had surrounded me the night before lifted.

I started to notice milestones. Granted, they were teeny-tiny milestones. It was a big deal for me to do small things that we had done together. I drank my first Dr. Pepper & Pepsi and I felt accomplished. I was able to eat Cafe Rio and pizza. I held on to every one of those milestones. I discovered that if I took things one second at a time I could handle it. I remember saying things like, "I've gone 5 whole minutes without crying". For me, 5 minutes felt more like a year.

It was the smallest things that made me feel better that first few days. It was also the small things that would send me spiraling downward again. I remember feeling pretty good and then I looked at the clock. It had been 24 hours since the accident. I fell apart. We went to get flowers to take to the crash site so I bought a single rose. (Quinn always gave me a single rose) Of course I fell apart again, right in the middle of the flower section. I saw a commercial for a movie we had plans to see. It took everything I had to keep it together. I couldn't let myself be the girl who cries over a commercial.

The hardest thing was having to tell Parker. He had been camping with his dad for the weekend. I am so grateful that he had been gone. I do wish that Parker had more time with Quinn before he passed but I needed the time to grieve alone so I could be stronger for him. Parker is so lucky to have a wonderful father named Dan. He stayed and helped me tell Parker. Parker was able to have both parents hold him when he cried. Quinn had been Parker's best friend. I will never be able to repay Dan for being there emotionally when I couldn't. He picked up the slack, held Parker and made sure he felt loved.

Once we started planning the memorial things got better. I was doing something for Quinn. It was nice to have something else to focus on. I am so, so, so grateful to the Falk family for letting me be a part of the process. I started making it almost an hour before I needed to cry. Each day I cried less often. By the memorial service I was a functional human being again.

I wish I remembered more about that first week. I had so many conversations that have become blended together. I will always remember what was most important about that week. All the love that people freely gave me. So many people went out of their way to let me know they cared. Complete strangers told me they were praying for me. I have accomplished so many firsts and I have many more to overcome. Thanks to all you have done, I know I can make it through this. For that, I cannot thank you all enough!