One Month Anniversary

I haven't been able to write for a few days. I have been hiding from my thoughts. Doing everything I could to stay busy so I didn't have to feel anything. But no matter what I do, I can't get away from it. I have been dreading today. The hours leading up to today have been filled with agony.

Last night I hardly slept. I just stared into the darkness. I spent the hours crying, pleading, praying. I talked endlessly to a man who wasn't there. The last time I saw the clock it was 4:30. I must have drifted off into exhaustion shortly after that. I somehow woke up this morning and got ready for the day.

My contact lenses didn't want to stay in my swollen, red eyes. I couldn't cover up the bags under my eyes with makeup. I look like I've been hit by a Mack truck, I feel like it too. My world has been turned upside down. I have been shaken to the core. My plans have been shattered. The dust is just now beginning to settle.

They say it takes a month to form new habits. I suppose that is what I have done. I have formed the habits of survival. I get up and keep moving, no matter how weary I become. I have formed the habit of smiling when I feel like crying. I have formed the habit of lying when people ask how I am. I have formed the habit of making plans, but not counting on them. I have formed the habit of questioning everything and everyone. I have built walls around me hoping that I won't ever hurt like this again.

I have started planning a new life. I have tried to convince myself that I'll be better in the long run. Marriage and more children now exist as a distant dream, not a reality. Now my life consists of school, work, bills, laundry, bed time routines, schedules, expectations, reality. Fantasy has no place here. Happy endings are a childhood dream created by Disney to sell movies. I hide behind bitterness. I don't dare let my true self be seen by the world. I no longer want to be vulnerable.

As people go back to their lives, I am trying to rebuild mine. I am left standing in the rubble of my dreams. I am sifting through it all, trying to salvage what I can. I am holding onto every memory. I hold onto every conversation. I am holding onto the 385 days I was blessed to have with Q. I am holding onto everything possible.

I am mourning more than just a lost love. I am mourning the years of dreams I had built in my head. I am mourning the children that we will never have. I am mourning the home I will never see through to completion. I am mourning the memories we never got to make. I am mourning the hopes I carried through my life.

One month later. One month since the worst day of my life. One month of gut wrenching, heart breaking, hope shattering darkness. One month of silently screaming. One month of keeping it together. One month of waking up alone. One month of telling myself, "Tomorrow will be better."