It's been just over 3 weeks now. I am still very emotional and moody. I know I should look back at the progress I've made. If I look at the big picture, I can see that I've come a long way. Sometimes I feel stronger because of this experience but most of the time I just don't know what I feel.
In the beginning, I thought "I'll never be mad at Q for leaving me, it wasn't his choice." I guess in all reality, I'm not mad at him for leaving. Surprisingly though, I am angry with the things he did/didn't do while he was here. Mostly I find myself asking unanswerable questions.
Why wouldn't he tell his family & friends how serious we were? Was it because he wasn't as serious about us as I thought? Why wouldn't he consider other options for the path our relationship could take? Why did it take him so long to call me a pet name? How could he talk about having babies with me but wouldn't talk about marrying me? Did he really love me as much as I loved him? What was he waiting for?
I'm sure this all goes back to me feeling hurt and confused. I'm not thinking rationally. It wasn't so long ago that I wrote about knowing he loved me. What happened to my certainty? I wish I could know what he was thinking. I want to know what his plan for us was.
I remember the first time I told him I wanted to spend my life with him. He asked me, "How can you be sure?" I told him all the reasons I was sure and he didn't say a word. It made me wonder, wasn't he sure? He second guessed everything he did, I liked that about him but I hoped I would be the exception. Maybe I was naive, maybe it was the little girl in me wishing for a fairy tale.
I know that I come as a package deal. I know that a little boy can be a big undertaking. I know it's a big decision. But he seemed to really enjoy being a father figure. Ugh! The problem with this whole thing is that I will never know. I have lost my love, best friend and confidant. Anytime I had doubts about anything, he would help me deal with it. He always knew the right thing to say.
At the risk of sounding sappy, this is not how I had planned my life to be. Now to sound like my son, this really isn't fair.
It really isn't fair. What ifs and whys can really drive you nuts. I am sorry for all you are going through.
ReplyDeleteI have thought all those things. In fact, I watched the memorial video and when I saw the picture of them giving you Q's flag, I broke down and wept as if some sort of weird validation had been awarded to us both. I hate that there is no "word" for what I am, despite the fact that my pain is likely just as deep and horrific as any on-paper widow. Maybe even deeper in some cases, who even knows...but that marriage certificate would not have increased my loss. When Jed died, I lost all sense of dignity and wrote emails to all his friends asking them to tell me stories of any time he mentioned to them that he loved me. And they were like, 1000 word messages (like this one is about to be...sorry). Here's the thing with that, Maybe you will feel the same way: I was THE closest person to him, in the world. And all of a sudden, he's in this new place and won't even come tell ME about it. I felt....blown off! That sounds like I'm taking it lightly. But that's the best I can do. So then I went begging for reassurance from other people because I started second guessing everything I understood. Then I got mad at him for not telling his family we were getting married. I got mad at him for being in heaven when I was stuck here. It's natural, then you feel guilty...but try not to. Because it will pass and you'll realize it's that 3-week syndrome. At 3 weeks, I was paying ZERO attention to how much progress I had made since the accident, so I applaud you. I congratulated myself as my head hit the pillow, for surviving one more day and being one day closer to heaven myself. Talk about a downer. Becky you are wonderful, thank you for sharing ... because evderything you say makes me realize how normal I am. Sorry, this should have jsut been an email not a novel. Bah. Oh well, too far into it to erase. :) Keep writing.
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