No Escape

Even with everything that has been going on, I had an escape route. Sleep. I could have a horrible day but when I went to bed I was fine. For the first time in my life, I slept peacefully. I was going all night without any dreams. I would wake up and feel like I could keep going in this marathon we call life.

A few days ago I started dreaming again. I suppose I didn't mind, I could see myself getting back to normal. Although, there is one problem with the normal me. All my life I have had horrible nightmares. It was only a matter of time, right?

I kept dreaming that I knew he would die and I couldn't do anything about it. Each time I woke myself up. It didn't matter though. I would go back to sleep and have the same type of dream only with different circumstances. Each time I tried to save him and each time I failed. I would try to keep him locked up in the house, or take him far away but something always happened.

I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. The whole day felt off. My emotions were so raw. I could barely finish a task without crying or getting angry over stupid things. Even now, several days later, I keep playing the dreams in my head. I cannot get away from the feeling of helplessness.

I can't get away from it because I do feel helpless. I feel as if I have no control over my life. I guess none of us have control. Like most people, I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought knew what my life was going to be like, how it would turn out. I thought wrong. All it takes is a split second for it all to change. I feel as if I've been punched in the face. My head is still spinning from the force of it.

I guess I can take this experience and use it to my advantage. Maybe I'll be more prepared if things don't go as I plan. Maybe I'll become less of a control freak. Hopefully I'll be able to roll with the punches. I have always been too much of a planner.