Just Write

Before I started fall semester I was questioning if I really wanted to be an English teacher but now I know it is what I am supposed to do. I would love to say I was born to be a mother and wife but that's just not the case. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother and I would love the opportunity to be a wife again someday. But I am born to write and teach.

When I was a little girl I dreamt of being a teacher but I lost sight of that dream along the way. As a teenager I wrote as a release. I would write anything; poems, short stories, rants or unsent letters. After high school and marriage writing didn't make sense anymore. I eventually stopped writing and lost a huge part of myself.

Due to necessity I chose to go back and get a degree. I had a very hard time deciding on a major. I felt that if I had to work I needed to do something I love. Thankfully my mother convinced me to go into English. I was forced to begin writing again and I'm so excited about it. The more I wrote the more I felt like myself again. I know I still have a ton of work to do but I'm ready for it. If I keep writing I will be just fine no matter how hard things might get.

Some Dreams Shouldn't Come True

I have decided that dreams are a form of cruel and unusual punishment.

I remember my dreams about 80% of the time and only a few of them are pleasant. My dreams seem to be getting worse the older I get. I've had them all; falling, being chased, going to school naked, violence and betrayal. The absolute worst ones are when something is happening to Parker and I can't save him. I have even attended his funeral in a dream once, I actually woke up crying.

Other times I'll have dreams about my day. For example, if I watch a disheartening movie I'll dream about something similar. If I watch something on the news I'll dream about the same thing happening to me. The real problem is that the dreams seem very real.

After I have bad dreams I end up laying in bed for hours and then I spend the entire next day agonizing about them. My Mom usually has awful dreams to. I always wondered what she meant about not resting, I think I'm starting to understand. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever sleep restfully again.

Perspective Is Everything

Today I was lucky. I got to walk Parker to the bus stop for the first time. I'm usually in class but today one of my instructors was out with the flu. Woohoo for class being cancelled!!! Ok, I can continue now. I got up and got him ready for school. I'm not sure how long it's been since that's happened. We watched a little TV. Then we got all bundled up. Hood? Check. Gloves? Check. Coat? Check. Scarf? Check. As you may have guessed, it was really frickin cold. Finally it was time to head out.

Off we went down the street, Parker looked so cute in all his layers. He was chatting about the cars and other people on the street. Once we got to the stop, Parker took his bag off and set it in his place in line. I knew that's how it was done but I was surprised that he knew what to do. He was a bus stop professional. He ran around playing in the snow till the bus came.

Then it happened. He got on the bus. The thing is, I had never really noticed how tiny he still is. He was dwarfed by the other children. I've been going through life thinking he's growing up too fast and then boom, like a streak of lightning, I am shown that he still has so much more growing to do.

As I walked home alone I was sad, proud and weighed down at the same time. Anytime I think about the responsibilities of motherhood I feel a whirlwind of emotions. Is that how it's supposed to be? Or am I just loosing my mind? Don't answer that.

Full of Hot Air

Apparently there is a terminal illness going around that is targeting....blow dryers. Yep, you read that correctly, I said blow dryers. I have a cousin who has suffered through the loss of several blow dryers . I now know her loss. :)

I was drying my hair this morning when I heard a cracking sound. I thought it was my son playing. Nope! Turns out my blow dryer had cracked down the center and the heat was making the crack grow. Air was still coming out of the end but now it comes out of the crack too, burning my hand. My narrow nozzle thingy no longer stays on either making my hair blow in all different directions. If you know my family at all you know that we have very thick hair. Thick hair + uncontrolled air = huge beauty queen hair. Not so cute.

Now I get to make a trek out and find a new one. I really hate looking at hair stuff, everyone is claiming to be better than the other brands. This one blows ION infused air, that one has a retractable cord, another might be a cool color. Ugh, it is the worst kind of shopping. I'd rather buy shoes.

2+2=Happiness

I've noticed a shocking development, I actually like math!

I was never able to understand math during my former years. It could have been because of my incredibly short attention span, my ability to zone out for hours on end or the cute boys in my class. My mother would say it was because of all three reasons and many, many more.

Today I was sitting in class waiting for my teacher to stump us (it's her favorite thing to do) But I was able to understand and complete each problem she dealt out. It was a strange phenomenon that caught me off guard. I walked out of class feeling like a superhero when they first wake up with their new superpowers. Dazed, confused, and a little invigorated. Now I just need a cool superpower name. Equationator the slayer of equations or Exponita the queen of exponents...ok maybe not.

I'm sure it was a fluke. I'm guessing I just remember a small portion of math from high school. Knowing my luck I will probably fail miserably with my next chapter. But for now, it feels awesome.

Favorite Things

I'm currently taking an introduction to music class. My professor, we'll call him "Mr. Ed", loves to make references to things we might know. This can include bands, TV shows, movies or a popular You Tube video. He makes references about The Sound of Music more than anything else. A little known fact about me is...I absolutely LOVE that show! I've seen it close to 20 times and I used to have a tape (yes a tape...it's a small plastic thingy that played music back in the day) of the sound track.

Anyway, back to the point, as if there ever were a point to be made. Whenever I think about that movie I always hear the "Favorite Things" song and it starts a chain reaction. I sing the song in my head (that's a no brainer) then I start thinking about what kind of things I might include if I were to write a song listing my favorite things. Since I'm not very musically inclined I'll list a few of them here and you can put them to your own tune.

Parker

Hugs

Eskimo Kisses

Rainy Days

Fall

Ice Cream

Music

Bright Colors

Flowers

Chocolate

Well there's my top ten so far, I'm sure I'll be adding more as I think of them. Feel free to comment and tell me a few of your faves.

Kids Say The Funniest Things Part 2

I didn't think I'd have another one of these to post so soon but we all know how kids are...never a dull moment.

Have you ever been to one of those Japanese grills where you sit around the table and watch the chef cook? Well that's where we were. Normally if you don't have a large enough group to fill the table they add some strangers to the mix. So we are sitting there, with a really adorable couple. We're eating our salads, waiting for the chef when Parker notices something. Of course he has to tell us what he sees, in that wonderful loud 5 year old voice of his. He points to the man sitting at our table and says "That guy has the biggest nose ever!" Of course I explained how this wasn't a nice thing to say, but I had a very hard time keeping a straight face while doing so.

Ah, precious moments!

Kids Say the Funniest Things

If you've ever spent much time with a small child you know first hand some of the funny things they say. Kids are completely honest and uncensored, sometimes it's a good thing. Other times though we wish they weren't this way. I had an awakening the other day that only a child can give. What spawned this awakening? My hips, that's right folks.

We were at the zoo last Saturday to see the cute baby animals. Parker's favorite thing at the zoo is the train so of course we had to ride it. Three of us, two adults and Parker, tried to squeeze into one of the little benches, we fit snugly but comfortably. Here is when it happened. Parker climbs in and scoots as far to one side as possible, then he says "Look Mommy I left you lots of room for your big hips" He was so proud of this "considerate" gesture, I had to smile. I replied, "Yes you left me lots of room for my big hips, thanks buddy" I couldn't be mad at this sweet boy, he was only doing what I've asked him to do and that's to be honest. I laughed it off and now that I sit reflecting it's becoming funnier by the minute. Don't get me wrong, I will be exercising to get rid of my "big hips" I'm sure this is one of the things I'll remember forever.

I'd love to hear what funny things your little ones have said.

Baby Bird

Tomorrow my sweet little boy starts elementary school, I'm very excited for him. It's a big step, he will learn so much, it will help shape the man he will grow up to be. I'm very proud that he's ready to go off and be his own person, make his own friends and have his own experiences. At the same time though I am deeply saddened by the realization that he's no longer my little baby. He's very much a boy now, becoming more independent by the minute. When did that happen? He was supposed to stay my little baby forever.

It seems like only a few moments ago I brought him home for the first time. I remember it all so well, I was terrified...he was tiny. I remember laying in bed listening to him breath on the monitor, holding him and wondering how I could love someone so much. Thinking about all the things we would do, wondering what kind of personality he'd have.

I still wonder how I could love someone so much but now I get the pleasure of talking to him and seeing who he is. I love the way his mind works, how he thinks and the funny things he says. I didn't realize him going to school would hit me like this. I thought I would be the Mom that could rationalize the emotion away. I guess I still have some things to learn about myself.

College of Terror

I start fall semester this week, and I'm finding it very difficult to stay in control of myself. I have an overwhelming desire to rip my hair out and run screaming into the night. That would be quite the sight, not very productive though. The questions of where would I end up and what I would do with my life are the only things keeping my feet planted in one spot.

I am absolutely terrified, why? Logically school makes sense; improving myself, expanding my knowledge, creating a secure life for me and my son, meeting new and exciting people. Strangely enough all those things that make sense are also the things I'm terrified of...it's the unknown. What will I be like when I know more, when I'm a "grown-up" with a real career? Who will I meet? The idea of meeting and impressing new people is enough to make me want to stay away.

Lets talk about the workload now. For some reason I've become a perfectionist (where did that come from?) and it's getting worse the older I get. I succeeded in my quest for perfection summer semester but I'm not so sure I can do the same when I'm up against 16 credit hours a week. I want to finish on time, early if at all possible...but is it worth the price I'm gonna end up paying? How will I react if I get a low grade, or if I have to drop a class?

Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much, I usually do. I'm creating problems that don't really exist. Perhaps I should just put my head down and get to it, stop thinking...just do what needs to be done and think about it later. I guess that's my plan because running isn't an option. It's not a very well thought out plan but that's kind of the point.

Pride and Joy

Parenting takes a lot of work, more than anyone could ever explain. But all of this work also comes with the greatest rewards this world has to offer. With all the hard work, sleepless nights and stressful moments it's easy to get lost in the struggle. Somehow though, just when I feel like there is no relief, here comes my sweet boy, with open arms handing out special moments. I've been lucky enough to have three such moments in just the last 24 hours, maybe he sensed my need for reassurance, or maybe he's just that type of boy. I don't know.

He went to the doctor yesterday afternoon for his pre-kindergarten check-up. He had to get four immunizations, and he didn't cry. He called me as soon as the appointment was over to tell me how brave he'd been, I am so proud of him. I know it must sound silly to all you non-parents, but it is a very big step for him. He even let the doctor put band aids on, he's absolutely terrified of band aids. He's growing up so fast, I can hardly believe it.

Last night while we were getting ready for bed, he went into a room and forgot to turn on the light. I turned in on for him without even thinking when I heard the smallest little "Thank you Mommy" It stopped me in my tracks, he actually said thank you without being prompted! I thought to myself "My parenting is actually working, I'm doing something right!" I melted! Then he said, "I didn't need it though" and I was immediately brought back down to earth. Yes, he is in fact a normal 5 year old boy who had a momentary lapse of judgement, but I'll remember it forever.

My final memorable moment happened this morning. I was getting ready for work as I always do, I thought he was playing in the front room when he came walking into the bathroom holding a rose from our flower garden. "Here Mommy, this is for you...smell it!" It wasn't the prettiest rose in the garden but it had the sweetest scent, he picked the one that smelled the prettiest.

I have the best little boy around, he is so sweet and loving! I am very happy to be his Mommy!

A little insight

I generally hold back with everything I do, I always have. I've held back in the effort I put forth towards work, school, in what I allow people to see about me and how close I let myself get to others. I do this as a self protection mechanism, if I'm not completely involved in something I won't fall apart if it fails. There is a price that must be paid for that protection though. I've never been very successful and I've never made a lasting connection with another person. I'm coming to realize it's not worth it. I long for the relationships I see other people have and I know I can never have that until I let go of my fear and trust others. I've decided today that I'm done being fearful, I'm going to go out and find that person that I can trust completely. I will let them in and if they hurt me so be it, I'm strong enough to survive it. I'm tired of going through life alone when I'm constantly surrounded. Enough is enough, it's time to let go of control and jump with both feet. I have a feeling it's gonna be the ride of my life. Wish me luck!

Reaping and Sowing

We've all heard the term "You reap what you sow." or something similar to it. Usually it comes from a parent or some other authority figure telling us to be better. We also all know that it's a true statement, I mean it's just common sense right? Right. Even though we know it's true we still roll our eyes and say something to the effect of "Ya I know Mom." You know you've done it too, don't judge me.

Ok so a funny thing happened...I reaped what I sowed! I know I shouldn't be shocked but I still am, I can't help it. I've been working my tail off studying for school, stressing about school and planning my entire life around school. And to date I have a solid A, it's the first one I've gotten since the 4th grade. No that's not an exaggeration, seriously, the 4th grade. I'd be thrilled just because it's been so long, but in a college course, I'm stoked!

Hopefully I can keep it up for fall semester, but with 30 hours a week at work 16 credits seems a little daunting.

Ranting And Raving Lunatic

Get ready for a rant of biblical proportions.

We all know that falling in love is a "beautiful thing." I call BS on that crap!!! Since when was falling in love ever beautiful, where do you think we get the phrase "love hurts"? Not from pretty roses and candlelit dinners that's for sure. What people should really say is that having a crush is a beautiful thing not love. Love takes backbreaking hard work, the problem is most of the time it's only one person doing that work. At least that's been my experience thus far, which is why I'm newly single (almost). When you try they don't and vise verse. Then you've got to keep a tally on who has worked harder and use it against the other person at just the right moment. (Cause we all know how well that works) Oh and don't forget to push all their buttons. If all else fails, send in backup...the dreaded in-laws. The war tactics used in a bad marriage would make any army general proud, or cringe.

The only thing worse than working alone to save a relationship is working alone to end it. You're still carrying around all that hurt and resentment but now you are trying to be strategically nice at all the right moments. And if that doesn't work you regress back to war tactics. It's a constant emotional and moral tug of war. You spend all your time and energy deciding the next step to take and if you're willing to cross the next line. But now you have family and friends taking sides and offering unwanted advice. And your soon-to-be ex is finding joy in being stubborn and driving you to the point of insanity. Here's the best part, nothing has been resolved and you aren't any closer to being done than you were to begin with.

Do I sound like I'm going insane? Wait for it...

Here's what gets me. All it takes to get a marriage license in this state is a valid ID, a signature, $50, and you must be over 18. Pretty simple huh. STUPID!!! To get a divorce without children, a house or any substantial debt and if you both agree (yeah like that's gonna happen) it takes 45 pages of legal documents, 90 days, $300+ and multiple visits to courthouses and notaries. You have to disclose and prove if you've been divorced before, what your job is, how long you've been married and why you want a divorce. If you ask me there's something wrong with this picture. Divorce is gonna be difficult, I get that part. But if the divorce rate is so high, and the court system is so bogged down, shouldn't we make it harder to get married in the first place? A standard waiting period on a marriage license would help if nothing else. Let's take it a few steps further though, what about a higher application fee, required pre-marital counseling, marriage classes, and interviews with each applicant? I know it'll create more work for the over-paid state workers, but cmon' it'll create jobs too and the higher application fee would more than cover it with all the people getting married in Utah.

If you ask me I'm about ready to puke at the idea of ever getting married again. I feel myself becoming one of those lonely, bitter, old cat lady's you see in a bathrobe, rummaging through the dumpster.

Ok...now you can think I'm insane.

Fire and Brimstone

Last Friday I had the misfortune of getting into a car accident. Nothing too terrible, I rear-ended someone, they in turn rear-ended the person in front of them. No one was hurt thankfully. What was the cause? Changing the radio station...I know, blonde moment! In my defense though it is my parent's massive Tahoe which I am not used to driving in the slightest. It was also rush hour so the green light didn't mean that traffic would be flowing through the intersection. Needless to say I didn't drive much throughout the rest of the weekend.

Now to the frustrating part, dealing with the insurance companies. I don't know why they need me to tell them what happened so many times, it's insanity. When the accident happened we had a police report done where I gave a written statement. Then this morning I called my insurance and gave another one. I was then told that someone else would be calling for another statement (still my insurance) and I'd need to give another one when I have my quote done in two days. And we haven't even gotten to the other two insurance companies! It's not like they just call, ask what happened and hang up either...no, that would be too simple. They have to call, ask every question three times, have you repeat yourself over and over and over and then they ask for your statement. Then they read back your statement and ask if it's correct. I just want to say "Did I stutter? I'm at work, ask once and leave me alone!" Why can't one person record my statement and send it to all the necessary parties?

I'm in a hell created just for me with all my pet peeves. I had to wait 30 min for a cop to show (hate that) I have to repeat myself 20 times (hate that) and I have to pay for the repairs (hate that)

C'mon Cents

I've always known that "common sense" wasn't common (why do we call it common?) but I've never given it much thought...until now. I'm not sure if the world is getting lazy with it's thought processes or if I'm just paying more attention but lately I've been surrounded by stupid moments that are completely avoidable. I won't give examples due to the fact that I'm guilty too but take a look at the people around you, I guarantee you will see at least one such moment in your own life. Beware of passing judgements, if they are doing it chances are very good that you are too.

Simple Pleasures

I am a firm believer that it's the little, simple things that make up life. Sure, there are the huge experiences like a vacation of a lifetime and such, but they aren't the bread and butter of what life is all about. I would rather have a lifetime of everyday touching moments that an outsider wouldn't notice than a trip to Paris or Rome. I've been having many such moments lately, I am so grateful, I am feeling a peace inside that I haven't had for years. There is a comfort and warmth in knowing that I get to have those lovely seconds, minutes, hours given to me so willingly. Sitting and watching a movie, holding hands, a glance, holding a new-born baby, an Eskimo kiss...there is nothing like it in the world, I hope it lasts.

Family Feud

We all remember the fun game show that is Family Feud right? If only it could all be so cheery and wonderful. My family seems to be at it all the time over something and it's usually me...bummer. This time it's because of my personal life, last time it was because of my friends, next time it will probably be over my shoes, who knows. I am so tired of them harping on my faults and supposed indiscretions instead of looking at their own. I am the distraction that keeps them entertained, talk about needing a hobby. Why is it me you ask? Because I refuse to blindly follow just because I'm told to. I ask why when I'm told things are a certain way, I challenge the status-quo. Why not? I feel it's healthy to be an independent thinker, not a sin or harmful to my health or anyone else's for that matter. Ugh! Now I know why some species leave their parents while still in infancy.

Ewww, Gross!

Picture this...I'm walking into Walmart today (that's enough to gross anyone out). Walking directly in front of me is this woman...no...not just walking, but doing that thing girls do when they are trying to get their thong underwear unstuck (you know you've seen it before) Anyway, she must have failed at the thong shimmy because moments later she takes her hand and puts it down the back of her pants to fish it out. But wait, it gets worse, after her fishing trip has ended she proceeds to get out her credit card and pay for her items! She didn't wash her hands, or use one of those little bottles of hand sanitizer...nothin! Grossness! It got me thinking about everything I touch...how many people choose to skip washing their hands...and then touch the same things I'm touching. I almost lost my lunch, literally, but that would have meant leaning my head into a public toilet and the thought of doing so was enough to keep control of my gag reflex. Needless to say I was VERY careful of what I touched & I bought a travel size hand sanitizer which I used as soon as I left the store. Yuck!

Double Edged Swords

I find myself thinking about the double standards that exist in our society. As I ponder these things I realize there are countless reasons for society to set such standards...but why do we continue to accept them? Is it because we are afraid of change? Is it possible to create change? I'm sure we all know of the standards I'm thinking about...the difference between what is expected of a man and what is expected of a woman. This ranges from the responsibilities in the home to what is sexually acceptable. There is more though, what about the double standards that exist for different race, religion, and cultural heritage. I worry about the world that my son is growing up in and although I can teach him in my home that every person is equal, I don't know that my teachings will be able to contend with the constant bombardment he will receive from friends, media, and everyday life. Sure society is better than it was in the 1800's, but I somehow don't feel satisfied with just better. We need to do more, this much I know, the question is how? I believe that each of us needs to step back and take a hard look at ourselves, we need to ask ourselves if double standards exist inside us. I was shocked at what I found hiding inside of me.