Birthday Blues

Sorry it's been so long since I updated my blog, you know how life goes sometimes.

Monday is my 29th birthday. I know it is completely cliche but my birthday is my favorite holiday. I have always loved birthdays and I try to make a big deal of them. Last year Q made my birthday very special even though he didn't think they are a big deal. He made an effort because it mattered to me. This year I have to face my special day without him. I am sad to think that I don't get to be with him. I have invited a few people over for dinner and I plan to spend the day enjoying myself with close friends. While I'm sure my b-day will be special, it won't be the same.

Since my last meltdown I've decided to pay more attention to how I'm feeling. I'm trying to be more aware of how I'm coping with life. I decided to get myself a few things for my b-day in honor of Q. I decided to give myself a break and accept help. I have ordered multiple books on learning to cope with grief and I'm actually kind of excited. The biggest gift I have decided to give myself is counseling. The U of U has a clinic that gives licensed psychiatrists the chance to work on their specialties by working with people like me (a.k.a. broke and helpless lost causes.) I went for a consultation with the clinic director and I am now on the waiting list.

I think that Q would be proud of me learning to deal with his death in a healthy way. Who knows, maybe I'll learn some things about myself along the way.

Dreaming Denial

I thought that I was getting pretty far in the acceptance process but I had a really strange dream last night that makes me wonder if I'm really as far as I thought. In my waking hours I am fully aware that Quinn isn't going to show up and say just kidding. But last night in my dream I honestly thought he would.

I was at an airshow. As I watched the planes fly around I truly believed that one of them would land and he would be the pilot to get out. It was so sure that he was safe and we would continue our lives together.

At some point in my dream I began to realize that he wouldn't be the one to get out of the plane. The horrible part is that I couldn't just wake up and realize it was just a dream, that would be too peaceful. I had to fully experience the panic and pain of losing him all over again in my sleep. My fear weaved itself into my dream. I dreamt that the plane I imagined him to be in crashed and we rushed to save him. When we got there he was gone. It was just an empty cockpit among the wreckage.

I am really surprised by how strongly I believed that he would land safely and come home. I've been focusing so much on trying to live life that I have forgotten how much it still hurts. Today it has been very apparent. I have seen his face everywhere and every thought brings a memory of him to mind. I guess maybe I need to try harder to balance dealing with my emotions and living life.

4 Months

It feels like it has been so long but I have only just begun. I never expected my life to change so abruptly. I never expected that I would experience something that would force itself into every thought. I went through life thinking nothing like that would ever happen to me. I guess I was wrong.

Towing aerial banners is one of the most dangerous jobs in the aviation industry. I knew it was dangerous when Q took the job but his love for flying was greater than the risk. Or so I thought. Every time he walked out the door to go fly that banner I feared that he wouldn't come home. I remember thinking it that last day too. Every time I pushed the thought out of my head. He was the best pilot I knew and I had seen him pick up banner after banner. I told myself that he would be ok.

I don't know why the engine lost power that day or why there had to be a sudden wind gust that forced him into the ground. I don't know why any of it had to happen the way it did. I suppose I'm only wasting my time trying to figure it out.

What I do know is that I think about that day all the time. Different things about it stick with me at different times. I think about the smells and sounds. The way the plane looked after the accident compared to what it looked like before. I remember standing at the crash site the next day trying to figure out exactly what happened. I remember the feeling of those first few moments. The look on my mother's face when I pulled up to the house. I remember how much it hurt the first time I said "He's dead." I remember the last words he said to me. The last meal we ate together. I remember all of it, every day.

The pain is beginning to turn from a sharp pain to a dull ache. I am no longer shocked and I am beginning to find my way again. The thing that plagues me now is memory. Some of it is sweet and wonderful. But it is mostly memories of that awful day. I am beginning to wonder how long it will be until I have a full day without images of the crash site popping into my head. How long will it be before I stop reliving that day?

I miss Quinn so much that words don't even begin to scratch the surface. Four months down, a lifetime left to go.

I'm Stunned

Something happened last night that broke my heart.

I was sitting on my bed with Parker looking at pictures on facebook. One of the photos I saw was of a friend of mine holding a certificate of completion for a phlebotomy course. I said it was cool and he asked why. I said she took a class and she passed, isn't that cool? Parker asked "She passed?" I said yes. Then he said, "You mean she died?"

My heart stopped. I assured him that no, that's not the kind of passed I meant. I explained what I meant the best I could. He seemed satisfied and left my room to go play. I just sat there. Completely stunned. My six year old hears the word passed and automatically associates it with death.

I feel terrible. I know that I can't help what happened, I can't change it. As much as I want to, it's not possible. But at the same time, I feel as if I've failed to protect him somehow. I feel like his carefree childhood has been ripped away.

I'm not sure what to do. I thought I had done everything I could to shelter him from the brunt of Q's death. Now, I feel like I need to do more but I don't know what.

Brutally Honest

I have been criticized by some for being too positive in my posts. I was shocked and hurt by their lack of understanding. Then I got to thinking, maybe these people really don't understand. I have tried to sensor my thoughts here so I don't worry or offend my readers. Maybe I am coming across as if I am not saddened. I have decided that for this post, I will be completely honest. I will let you know exactly what I go through on a daily basis.

I wake up emotionally drained from the nightmares that plague me throughout the night. I lie there wishing I could stay in bed forever. My head is usually pounding and my stomach is churning. I force myself out of bed. Sometimes I don't have the emotional or mental strength to push through. I cry in the shower 9 days out of 10. While I go through the motions of getting ready I give myself a pep talk to get me through the day. I put on my happy face and walk out the door.

I drive to school in a daze, telling myself over and over "I can do this". Then I sit in class, trying to make myself focus. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. After my classes I try to think about what I want to eat for lunch. Most of the time I don't want to eat anything. If I am hungry nothing sounds appealing. I generally dread going to work. I want to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers. I want to tell myself that Q is just working and he'll be home before I know it. When reality really sinks in I feel nauseated.

In the evening, I still don't want to eat. I find a little more comfort with Parker there though. He is always so happy and funny that it's easy to forget everything for a while. I am always so tired that I must seem boring to him. He has started wanting to fall asleep with music playing, he has fewer nightmares when he does. I can only imagine why but I think it's to help keep the sad thoughts away.

I should go to sleep as soon as Parker is in bed but I never do. I turn on my tv and my computer, trying to drown out the world. I deflate quickly as I lie staring at Q's picture that I keep by my bed. Even after I turn everything off I don't fall asleep. I toss and turn, I cry again. Sometimes I talk to Q. Other times I position the pillows on his side of the bed so I don't feel so alone. A queen size bed becomes a mile wide in the darkness of the night. My last thought is usually about being one day closer to seeing Q again. I try to tell myself I did well, I made it through another day. But, the problem is, I know I will have to make it through tomorrow, and the next day and so on.

I am often caught off guard and break down. The smell of his clothes hanging in my closet, a long forgotten photo, a song that we loved, a funny thought that I want to share with him, a bad day. All of these things can break me. The absolute worst is when Parker breaks down. He has nightmares about plane crashes and a number of other horrible things a 6 year old should never have to deal with. I stay strong long enough to get him through it and then I crumble.

My life is full of coping techniques that shift from one second to another. A lot of the time distraction is the only one that works. The one constant I have is the faith that I will be ok someday. I believe that one day, I will look back at my life and feel proud because I survived. One day I will stand on my own two feet again. I will laugh everyday again. I will not be broken forever. I hold onto this faith with every fiber of my being.

For now I am kept afloat by those closest to me. These people see the dark side of me. They are the ones who hold my hand as a scream and cry at the same time. They listen as I vent my anger about the world and at God. They listen without judgement, only love. They tell me I will be ok, that I can get through it. They are there to laugh with me on my good days and cry with me on my bad days. They keep me grounded, pick up the slack and help me keep going. They are the people I can call, day or night. They distract me when I need it and let me be alone when I need it. They take care of Parker when I am overwhelmed or need a break. They are my angels and my sanity.

This is a pain that I would not wish on anyone. It is constant and unwavering. It is soul crushing and heart breaking. It affects the lives of everyone near me. It is a pain that may lighten in intensity with time but it will never disappear. It is simply something I will learn to live with.

**The next post will be lighter. I promise**

Big Time First

I've talked about making it through each "first" and feeling accomplished but so far they have all been very small. This Thursday I will be accomplishing a big first. I am flying for the first time since the accident. My Mom and I are going to Mt. Rushmore for my fall break. I'm super excited for many reasons but I'm also kinda scared. Scratch that, I'm frickin terrified.

I have always wanted to see Mt. Rushmore, it's on my list of cool places. Last year, as Q was flying to airventure in his small plane, he took a picture of it with his cell phone and sent it to me. I was very jealous so we decided that we would go someday. That clearly isn't happening. So, whne the dust settled and I started making my, "Make Q Proud Bucket List" this was one of the first things I thought of. I'm excited to go and see something he saw and carry on our plans. I'm excited for a vacation and the opportunity to travel. It's gonna be a blast.

Now to what scares me. Lets start with the less than obvious. I have no idea how seeing something he saw will affect me. I may be fine and enjoy myself completely or I may crumble and cry. I may even do both in a time span of 5 minutes. (What an adventure this will be for my Mom!)

Now to the obvious, I will be flying. Need I say more? I think I'll be fine once we are in the air but the take-off and landing are gonna suck. I have already been stressing about it for a few days. And by stressing, I mean a full blown panic attack. Here's the kicker, I'm flying on skywest. I'm gonna be sitting in the airport watching Q's old buddies get the plane ready. I bet he even knew the pilot that will be flying the plane. I can already see myself sobbing, wishing my "Mighty Q" was the one throwing the luggage on the plane. Seriously...what was I thinking!?

I'm sure I will be fine, I can survive my first flight...right? Maybe...probably....who knows. I will take ample photos and share some of them when I get back. I'll also fill you in on how I did with this gargantuan step. Wish me luck!!!

Almost 3 Months

This Sunday will be the three month anniversary. I am doing this post early because I want it to be about more than just my wallowing. As you can see, the grave marker has been installed. It is perfect. Q would be happy with the way it turned out. For me, it seems like the final piece has fallen into place. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. There is no more denying reality now that this stone has been set. (Not like I could deny it before)

You know, it's strange the things I focus on to get me through. I try seeing this pain as a gift from me to him, so that he didn't ever have to feel the way I do. I imagine Q sitting in the cockpit of every plane I see, silently guiding the pilots home. Somehow, I feel better about him being gone if he's helping others stay safe. I dream of carrying on his legacy by learning how to fly. I know if I do, he'll be there on my first solo flight. I dream of opening our little deli one day and naming it after Q. When unexplained things happen, he is always my first thought. When I am worried about Parker, I hope Q is there being his guardian angel. I constantly think about my "Eye in the sky". Every once in a while, I feel him with me.

A little history about the eye in the sky thing. When Q was flying on a weekday, he would plan ahead and fly near I-15 around 5:20 and text me to tell me what the traffic was like that day. He would always start those texts with "Your personal eye in the sky here". Now, I feel like he is watching over me and all the people he loves.

I miss my Sparky. I miss everything about him. I miss him so intensely that I find it difficult to breathe at times. Sometimes I feel silly crying over small things. At times, I feel selfish and flat. Like I'm only playing one tune. I feel terrible for those who have been by my side through all this. I am grateful to have so many people supporting me but I feel like I've been neglecting their needs. I have found out who my true friends are and who I can't count on. I feel myself getting stronger. It is like training for a marathon. You can see the progress you've made in your down time but when you are training you feel weary, tired, stagnant and discouraged.

I am far from in the clear. I feel like a 14 year old girl again, crying and not knowing why. I am getting used to strange things upsetting me. I am learning to deal with smelling his cologne somewhere and hearing his ringtone. I used to stop in my tracks and whip around, convinced that he would be there telling me it was all a joke. I am learning to wait before acting to gauge my true feelings. I am learning how to let people know what they mean to me instead of assuming they already know. I am learning how to be happy without feeling guilt. I am learning how to build a good life for myself. I am learning how to be grateful for what I have instead of looking at what I'm missing. I am working on improving myself everyday. I am building a life that will make Q as proud of me as I am of him.

Coincidence? I Think Not

I have always felt that things happen for a reason. That mere "chance" doesn't exist. In the early days after Q's accident I tried to remind myself of this belief. At times I could cling onto the hope that there was a bigger purpose. Other times I couldn't find the strength to believe it. I still go back and forth from time to time. Mostly though, I am back to believing that there is a reason for everything. I am hoping that one day, everything will make sense and I'll realize why.

I've been looking back on the last few weeks and moments we had together and they all point to what happened. It is as if we were preparing each other yet neither one of us knew what we were preparing for. In one conversation, I mentioned that I thought it would be terrible to be in a personal hell while the world continued, unaware of my pain. He helped me understand that each person has to go through hell at some point in their life. He said that the world would have no way of knowing so I shouldn't take it personally if it ever happened to me. Little did I know that I would be going through it less than a month later.

We had conversations about life and death. We talked about what we thought heaven was like. We watched "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" together. We talked about how we wanted to go and how we wanted to be laid to rest. I told him about my hatred for carnations and that if any were on my casket I would come back and haunt him. He said he'd be sure to have all carnations if that were the case. Then he told me he wanted to be cremated. We were talking about seemingly random things that have so much meaning now.

The day of the accident was different somehow. He was different, we were different. We stayed in bed really late and he didn't mind. (He hated wasting the day away in bed) He held my hand and played with it as I drove to lunch. (He didn't hold my hand very often) He told me he wanted to stay home and just hang out with me, that he didn't care what we did besides being together. (He never shirked his responsibilities for any reason) At the time, I thought these differences were because we had finally finished moving me in. Now I think it was because I needed those last moments to be special. I will carry them as my final memories for the rest of my life.

I don't know how, but Q knew he needed to be very affectionate that day. He probably didn't consciously know it, but I think something was telling him to do be that way. I choose to believe that God was getting us ready for what was about to happen.

I am so grateful that I have wonderful memories to get me through the hard times. I cling onto them when I'm crumbling from the weight of my pain. I laugh at them when it's a good day and something pops into my head. I cherish them.

"Love lost is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn’t" --Mitch Albom

Change: The Good Kind

I noticed something about myself today, I am comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure when it happened but I like it. Today, I joined in a class discussion and I didn't get nervous or care if people thought what I said was stupid. I've been making friends like crazy too. I've started a study group for one of my classes and I'm talking to complete strangers. These are all things I've never done before. I can only guess, but I think it's because of my experiences. I know that I will survive no matter what happens. I will come out of it intact. I may be a little flustered and bruised but I'll be intact.

There have been other things too. I laugh more, smile more, work harder and play harder. I have made an effort to make connections with the people around me. I still have a lot of bad moments, more than I'd care to admit. But I am doing my best to take them in stride and lean on the people I trust for support. That's another thing, I am trusting people. I am able to trust them because I trust myself. I even stayed calm today when I noticed a spider crawling on my leg. Talk about incredible, huh?

There are a lot of things I would like to improve on. Giving people the benefit of the doubt before judging them is a big one. I'll get there someday. I'll eventually accomplish the goals I have. I will have the kind of life that would make Q proud. I will do it for him but more importantly I will do it for me. As terrible as all this has been, I have been given a new perspective on myself and the world around me. I like this new way of seeing things. I like being confident in myself. I like this new life I'm building for myself.

Turns Out....Ignorance Really Is Bliss

Fall semester is in full swing. I am once again walking the tight rope between homework and having a life. I used to hate that I was so busy, now I don't mind it. If I have a free moment I try to fill it. I have been getting a maximum 6 hours of sleep a night so by the time I reach the end of the day, I'm too tired to lie awake thinking about my life.

I was sitting in my Intro to Literature class the other day, we were discussing famous poems & quotes. My professor asked a girl what she thought of Robert Frost's Nothing Gold Can Stay. (I've included it below for reference) I had a sort of imaginary conversation with this girl and it went something like this:

Girl: It made me sad
Me: (thinking to myself) Um, yeah. That's kind of the point
Girl: Unnecessarily sad. This is why I hate poetry.
Me: Wait, what? You're an English major and you hate poetry?
Girl: I don't understand why this is so sad.
Me: Well, it's about how fragile mortality is. You don't get it do you?
Girl: I guess I can find beauty in it if I really try, but it's just so....depressing! (she said it like it was a filthy, rabid dog. Full of contempt.)
Me: Wow, you really don't get it! It's an outward manifestation of the inner turmoil that is grief. He is using his words as a gift for those like me. Lost in the trenches of despair, wondering if we are the only person to feel this way. He is giving the gift of companionship by showing that other people have felt the same way I do.
Girl: I guess that's what I got out of it, that it's a really sad poem.
Me: Psssh, that's poignant. You must be a genius or something!

At this point I was so annoyed at her ignorance that I was ready to leave class. I looked and saw that I still had 45 minutes left. Crap! I sat the rest of the class half sulking because of her ignorance, half smirking because of her amazing lack of eloquence.

Since then I keep thinking about it. I love that poem, it speaks to me. Probably because of what I've been through. For her, it really is just a sad poem with no meaning. She dismissed it so easily because she didn't understand it. Now I envy her. She has no idea what this feels like. It would be so nice if I was ignorant like her. Not too long ago I was.

I remember discussing this same poem last fall. I didn't understand it then the way I do now. It was a lovely poem, but it meant nothing to me. I dismissed it just as she did. I am jealous of this girl. I want to live in a happy, ignorant world. I want to go back to when I didn't understand this pain.

I suppose there's no point in obsessing with that old life. I'm only torturing myself. I need to pick myself up again, dust myself off, and keep moving. I can do this.

Nothing Gold Can Stay
Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Two Months

It's been two months. I feel like I should have something poignant to say. Something about how much I've learned and grown. Something about how badly I still hurt. I got nothin.

I've been sitting here starting at the screen for 20 minutes. I start typing something and then delete it. I can't seem to think of anything, I'm just sitting here shaking my head.

I am beginning to accept what happened but this life still seems so foreign. I sit in class and think about going home to discuss something I'm learning with Q. Then I realize, almost instantly, that I can't go home and talk to him. (I still talk to him but now it's a one-sided conversation) This sort of thing has been happening all along but now I don't feel that sharp pain when I realize he's not here. I don't understand it. I still ache for him, I miss him more than I ever thought I could miss anything, I wish things were different. So why have I gone numb?

This is ridiculous. I whine about how much it hurts and that I want it to go away and now I'm whining about being numb. What the crap?

I keep telling myself tomorrow will be better. After today I can feel normal for another month. I need to focus on making it this far. I've made it through another month of my new life. I'm another month closer to seeing him again. It sounds horribly morbid to put it that way but there is a strange comfort in the idea.

Memory Time:
We went to the airshow at Hill AirForce Base last year. It was one of our first dates. It was the first day I noticed Q's love for aircraft. He spent all day telling me about all the different components on the planes. He pointed out his favorite WWII plane. I had so much fun but there is one thing I loved most about that day. It started raining in the middle of the day. It only rained for a few minutes, just a small summer storm. He stood behind me, holding me while it rained. I remember thinking it was so romantic. It felt so good to have him behind me. The rain was warm, it smelled so fresh and clean. He was whispering in my ear, flirting with me. I can still picture that day, I remember it like it just happened. There was just something about it that I can't let go of.

Sweet Dreams

A quick update on how I'm doing. Things are slowly getting back to normal, whatever "normal" is. I am doing my best to pick up the sad little pieces of that old life and move forward. I started school again today so that has helped. I am beginning to feel like I have direction again. I've had some amazing people come into my life and I've been reminded of all the amazing people I already had in my life. Everyone has done their part to make it easier on me, each in their own way.

Something happened last night, I had a dream about Q. Not the kind of dream I've described before about trying to save him, it was a good dream that has left me feeling like I can make it. I won't go into all the details about the dream because some are just too meaningful to put on the internet. In my dream, I could see him and talk to him. He looked so incredibly happy. Kid in a candy store happy. There was a light in his eyes that I've never seen before. He said so many things to comfort me. He told me he loved me, that he missed me, that he was proud of me and that I would be ok. Then he kissed me, and I woke up.

Now, I don't know if he was really there. I don't know if our spirits were connected and we actually communicated with each other. I don't know if I've just reached another level of crazy. The skeptic in me wants to dismiss it. The believer in me wants to treasure it. In all reality, whether it actually happened or not is irrelevant. I feel better and that's what matters. I don't fully understand the afterlife and all the rules that go along with it. I'm not so sure I want to understand everything yet.

What I do know is that I'm better today than I was yesterday. I am touched and grateful for what I felt last night. Whatever it was, dream or reality, it came at just the right time. I was at my wits end yesterday. I was wondering if I could keep going. I needed Q to remind me of the good life I have but I knew he couldn't. As I fell asleep last night I wished that my life was different. For a brief moment, it was.

Bucket List

I have created a bucket list of sorts since Q died. It is filled with random things that I have always wanted to do, things we did together and future plans we had made. Here are a few photos of stuff I can cross off the list. Enjoy!

Every Monday the three of us went to A&W for root beer floats. We all looked forward to it every week. We would sit and talk about our plans for the week and laugh with each other. It has been hard to keep going without Q but we are trying. Now we sit and talk about our favorite memories of Q. I think he'd be very happy to know that we are carrying on our family tradition.



Q and I had talked about taking Parker to the Kennecott mine just a couple weeks before the accident. A few weeks ago I decided to go anyway. We had so much fun! Parker was in awe, he loved the big trucks and learning about copper. I gave him a penny on the way there and he still has it in his cup holder to remind himself of our fun day.



I have written before about Q making me want to be a better mommy and I meant it. We went on family dates more than we went on romantic ones. He was a family man through and through. I can't think of a better way to honor him and show my love for him than to carry on his love of family. We've been doing so many fun things together. We went on a bike ride after work about a week ago, Parker is still talking about it.

Parker gets a voucher for a free Real Salt Lake game each season he plays soccer. We purchased tickets the beginning of June. The game we had planned on seeing ended up being the day of the funeral. Needless to say we didn't go. We bought more tickets for a game last weekend. They had mascots from all the colleges there that night. Parker ate more than he watched the game but this is an awesome shot of him with one of the mascots.

Last but not least, Parker started his fall season of soccer. He is so excited to be playing again, that boy loves his soccer! He had fun and we even won (technically it is non-competitive but the parents all keep track anyway) Q never missed a game so it was hard to sit there without him. He would quietly bash the other team and he loudly cheer for our team. He even learned all the kid's names and cheered for them individually. He was very proud of Parker.

We are doing well (most of the time) Every step is hard but little by little it is getting easier. We are doing our best to have fun and rebuild our lives. We have many more plans in the works, I will probably do a post about them soon.

In My Opinion

Okay, before I begin this post please know, this is not directed to or about anyone, it is just me voicing my perceptions.

One thing I have noticed throughout this process is that everything changes whether you want it to or not. Of course life changes with the loss of someone you love but small things are constantly changing too. Emotions may shift at anytime, simple things may set you off yet big things don't phase you, perceptions of your world vary by the minute. An interesting thing is that it's not all internal, some of it is external. For example, people may treat you differently or the same depending on the situation.

I don't think people are trying to treat us differently, I think it just happens because they don't know what to say or do. You can be laughing and having a great time when someone cracks a joke. After the joke they may think, "Oh, that probably wasn't appropriate." Inevitably this person will be embarrassed even if you aren't hurt/offended. After that they may try any number of things to make it better. Apologizing, back peddling or avoidance are the most common techniques. I cannot speak for others and I wouldn't want to. But for me, I would rather be treated normally even if it might offend sometimes. In those first weeks I reveled in being normal. The greatest thing was having someone ask how I was doing without a look of pity on their face. It was the beginning of rejoining the world. With the shock of loss and grief comes a feeling of alienation. A feeling of, "I'm not normal" because you don't know what to expect. It also comes because there are times when you don't recognize yourself.

There is no way to describe joining this sad little club unless you've done it. There are so many strange moments. Words do not exist to describe the force of being thrust into a new life. I imagine it feels as foreign as living on Mars. Everything you ever thought you knew is put into question. Everything you thought you had is gone. All the work you put into building your life suddenly doesn't matter. You feel as if you did it all for nothing. Your soul is ripped from your body and shattered. You wish your heart would stop beating so you could stop hurting but it won't. You keep breathing, wishing, hoping, wondering. The thoughts that come into your head scare you and comfort you. You rejoice in making it through another day but crumble at the thought of sleeping alone. You become an expert at the "I'm fine" face. You become keenly aware of who you can and cannot trust. You spend all your energy compartmentalizing your life just to survive. Survival is both the goal and the curse you carry with you at all times.

I don't mean to tell you all these depressing things so you feel sorry for those grieving. It is to illustrate that normalcy is the equivalent of paradise. When you live in a world you no longer recognize, a glimpse of being normal again can be what gets you through the day. As with everything it varies by person and situation. Use discretion to the best of your ability. If you are lucky enough to be in the inner circle of someone grieving, be willing to laugh and cry in a span of five minutes. Do your best to read what that person needs at that moment. Don't take it personally if they need to be sad more than happy. Be patient, be loving, be there for them in every way possible. Most of all, be yourself. You wouldn't be in the inner circle if you weren't trusted and loved.

Okay, enough sadness. It's memory time. I relied on Q for a lot, especially venting. I vented about anything and everything. Once, I was very frustrated with work. He told me "It's just a job, not your life. Don't take it personally." He also used to say, "You're making a big deal out of nothing." I find myself repeating those words in my head a lot lately. I can imagine him when I'm feeling really sorry for myself saying those words. "Don't take it personally, you're making a big deal out of nothing." I hope that, wherever he is, he knows how much he is helping me.

Little Triggers

I have been doing so much better, it is unbelievable. Of course doing better comes with more than just that. It comes with feeling guilty about not feeling devastated. It comes with wondering if I am not dedicated enough and a slew of other things. It just sucks but I suppose it is part of the process. Even with how much better I am feeling, little things can set me off.

Yesterday I went to Q's hangar to see his airplane for the last time. He spent years building his plane, it was his life. I thought I would be ok, I wasn't. He had been doing maintenance work trying to get it ready for Oshkosh. (For those who don't know, Oshkosh is a huge, week long airshow in WI) Cory, Q's best friend, shares the hangar with him. Cory had left everything untouched. I walked it and it looked like Q had just been there working. He had left everything the way he always did.

I am so grateful Cory gave that to me. Q had a certain way of doing things, he was very precise. I had gotten used to the way he left things, always just right. Even if it looked like a mess to the outsider, it wasn't, it was just Q. His organized clutter used to drive me crazy but yesterday I loved it.

I loved it and hated it all at once. It broke my heart all over again to see his things the way he left them. I silently cursed both Q and the plane for making me hurt like this. I just stared at it. I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't. I tried to look away but I couldn't. I gingerly ran my fingers over the tools, gears and bolts. It felt like I was touching him again. It felt like heaven and hell wrapped up together. I knew he wasn't coming back to finish the job but I wanted it so badly. I wanted him to ask me to hold something or fetch a tool. I wanted him there to call me his "lovely assistant". I wanted him to crack jokes about having his two loves together in one place.

I hated that plane at first. It was my competition, it had his heart. After a while, he started giving me his heart and I started loving that plane. We spent so many hours working on it together. He was sharing his whole world with me and I was soaking it up like a sponge. I cannot imagine anyone else flying that plane. I'm sure it will be sold, I am trying to find comfort it the thought of it giving someone else happiness. Maybe I'll get there someday, who knows.

Time for the memory of today. In accordance with the plane theme of this post, I will share a plane memory. This one is my favorite one of all so you should feel very special. I was teasing Q one day (I teased him a lot) about him not having room in his heart for me because he loved airplanes so much. In a completely serious tone he said "I'll just have to move the planes aside then." I was floored! He had been obsessed with planes since he was old enough to know what they were and he wanted to move them aside for me. I think it was the sweetest thing he ever said to me. It meant the world to me.

Reflections

Not long after I met Q I wrote a post about jumping with both feet, you can read it here. It was a very difficult thing for me to do. I'm still not sure why I had such a hard time with it, I'll probably never figure it out. That's not the point though. The point is, I am so glad I made that leap of faith. I chose the best person in the world to give my heart to.

I mentioned in that post that I would be strong enough to get hurt and survive. Looking back it seems I was daring fate to test me. I've been sitting here going back through old posts and that line hit me like a ton of bricks. This was not the hurt I was expecting but I realized an amazing thing. I will survive this.

I felt strong enough to trust someone completely knowing that it might not work out. I wish that things turned out differently. But I can't change what happened, now is the time for accepting it. Something that is helping me is that I'm quickly discovering that I was right, I am strong enough. I think part of that is because I was blessed to experience loving someone with my eyes wide open. I let Q in and it was magical. I know that sounds cheesy and cliche but I have no other way to describe it. It was absolutely magical.

I look back on our time together and I just think, "It was so fun!" Everything we did was fun. Working on Q's house, fixing airplanes together, adopting our kitties, road trips, all fun. We goofed off together, pulled faces at each other, sent dirty jokes back and forth. We acted like a couple of kids. Even when we were being grown-ups we had fun.

Maybe I'm biased now but I even have good memories about when we would fight. I used to get mad at him for being so reasonable during arguments. Its actually quite funny. I remember venting to him about something and he was trying to fix it by giving me advice. I said, "That's not the point" he very calmly replied, "Ok, what is the point?" It was so sweet, but so maddening at the same time. I just wanted to be mad dang-it, and he had to go and be wonderful. It was just who he was. He always wanted to listen and be understanding. I love that about him.

Getting Better

Since the one month anniversary, I have been improving everyday. I am starting to come out of the daze I had been in. This morning as I was driving to work, I actually thought, "It's a really pretty day." Before I thought how unfair it was for the weather to be nice when I couldn't fully enjoy it.

I am changed because I knew Q. In some ways it's almost comical. I don't even think the same way anymore. Like when I crave Cafe Rio I think, "You and your Cafe Rio!" (He never fully understood my love affair with their food.) I look at the price when I buy things and grab the cheaper brand. I turn off my A/C in my car before getting out. (He said it's bad for the compressor if the A/C is on when you start your car.) I stand up for myself now and I know how to say no. (He was always pushing me to do that.)

Looking back, everything that is different is also better. I am still the same person. I still freak out over stupid things. I'm still moody, emotional, quirky and selfish. Nothing about who I really am changed, just my habits. I am a new & improved Becky and I really like it. Don't get me wrong, I still have a million things to work on (being patient) but I'll get there. I am very grateful for having known Q.

The best version of myself came out when I was with him. I think its because of who he was. He was kind, patient, loving, reliable, and dedicated. He loved my silly quirks so much that he started copying them. (Making food dance, saying sucketh) He would sit patiently while I had my selfish moments and then call me on my crap when I was done. He saw right through me, broke down all my walls & loved me anyway. He was the perfect compliment to me. We leveled each other out. He calmed me down and I livened him up. He taught me how to be frugal, I taught him how to go out and have a really good meal even if it meant spending a little more.

I've decided to start including a favorite memory at the end of each post. I need to lighten things up a bit. I hope you enjoy a look inside our world.

Every morning while we were getting ready, we would play tick-tac-toe on our bathroom mirror with dry erase markers. Except for when one of us would cheat, they were always stalemates. I was always the X, he was always the O. (To cheat, we would make our move outside the squares. I don't know why but it was funny every time.)

Life Lessons

I spent yesterday trying to re-center myself. I must say, it was one of the smartest decisions I've made so far. This process has been unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I don't think anything could have prepared me for what it is like. I thought grief would cause emotional distress but I had no idea it could cause physical stress too.

I have known for a long time that people internalize stress. How and where it is internalized is different for each person. I have learned that I put my stress in my stomach and neck. Quite the self discovery huh? Why it took me 28 years to figure this out is a mystery.

Up till now I have been so consumed by my emotional pain that I didn't make the connection. I've been feeling like crap but was too distracted to figure out why. Now that the emotional stuff has subsided a bit, I am noticing the toll this has taken on my body.

I cannot believe how tight my neck muscles are. No wonder my head, neck, shoulders and back have been hurting. This morning I thought, "Wow, my head really hurts." then I noticed I have been raising my shoulders. What's that about? I'm holding my shoulders up in a sort of constant shrug. I don't know how long I've been doing it but I've caught myself a couple more times just today.

I am incredibly fatigued too. I can probably chalk that up to stress too. I, in all my brilliance, have decided the way to stay awake is caffeine. Let me just say, caffeine mixed with an already upset stomach doesn't go over very well.

I am trying to keep a healthy perspective on everything, even though sometimes I fail miserably at that. It's amazing to me the things I am learning. I have learned about my family and friends. About who they are and what is truly important. They are showing me that family is the most important thing we have. I am learning so much about myself. I'm finally figuring out who I am and who I want to become. I have learned about my own strength, what my priorities are & what I want for my future.

Bottom line? Right now, in this moment, I am ok. Someday I will be ok for more than a moment but I'll take what I can get.

One Month Anniversary

I haven't been able to write for a few days. I have been hiding from my thoughts. Doing everything I could to stay busy so I didn't have to feel anything. But no matter what I do, I can't get away from it. I have been dreading today. The hours leading up to today have been filled with agony.

Last night I hardly slept. I just stared into the darkness. I spent the hours crying, pleading, praying. I talked endlessly to a man who wasn't there. The last time I saw the clock it was 4:30. I must have drifted off into exhaustion shortly after that. I somehow woke up this morning and got ready for the day.

My contact lenses didn't want to stay in my swollen, red eyes. I couldn't cover up the bags under my eyes with makeup. I look like I've been hit by a Mack truck, I feel like it too. My world has been turned upside down. I have been shaken to the core. My plans have been shattered. The dust is just now beginning to settle.

They say it takes a month to form new habits. I suppose that is what I have done. I have formed the habits of survival. I get up and keep moving, no matter how weary I become. I have formed the habit of smiling when I feel like crying. I have formed the habit of lying when people ask how I am. I have formed the habit of making plans, but not counting on them. I have formed the habit of questioning everything and everyone. I have built walls around me hoping that I won't ever hurt like this again.

I have started planning a new life. I have tried to convince myself that I'll be better in the long run. Marriage and more children now exist as a distant dream, not a reality. Now my life consists of school, work, bills, laundry, bed time routines, schedules, expectations, reality. Fantasy has no place here. Happy endings are a childhood dream created by Disney to sell movies. I hide behind bitterness. I don't dare let my true self be seen by the world. I no longer want to be vulnerable.

As people go back to their lives, I am trying to rebuild mine. I am left standing in the rubble of my dreams. I am sifting through it all, trying to salvage what I can. I am holding onto every memory. I hold onto every conversation. I am holding onto the 385 days I was blessed to have with Q. I am holding onto everything possible.

I am mourning more than just a lost love. I am mourning the years of dreams I had built in my head. I am mourning the children that we will never have. I am mourning the home I will never see through to completion. I am mourning the memories we never got to make. I am mourning the hopes I carried through my life.

One month later. One month since the worst day of my life. One month of gut wrenching, heart breaking, hope shattering darkness. One month of silently screaming. One month of keeping it together. One month of waking up alone. One month of telling myself, "Tomorrow will be better."

Eternally Grateful

Clearly, I am on a downward spiral again. Yesterday's post removed all doubt of that. I have received many phone calls, emails and comments proving those fears wrong. People have given me the answers to those questions. My friends and family have helped me to see that I had something real with Q. They reminded me that he did love me and he wanted to spend his life with me. I now find myself overwhelmed. I wish I could find words to thank you all. You have no idea how touched I am. You have helped keep my head above water.

The only thing I can use to describe this process is the ocean. Waves come and go, some bigger than others. Each time a wave has come, I have been submerged. I have felt as if there was no way out. I couldn't breathe. I was literally drowning in my grief. I was being pulled into the abyss of my mind. Eventually, I claw my way out but I get weaker with every wave. I have a harder time finding the surface. I get some relief when I am in the trough of the wave but I know that another wave will come and take me over again.

Just as before, this wave started coming. I could feel the force of it as it tried to knock me backwards. It came upon me slower than others have. I assumed because it was less forceful, it would be easier to swim through. This morning I woke to see that I was floundering. I was pushing though, swimming as hard as I could, trying to save myself.

That's when you all came to my rescue. One inch at a time, you lifted me out of the water. I am still not in the clear, my body is still submerged. But now I can breathe. I can see the sunlight. I can feel the breeze on my face. I can see the truth again. All because of you.

A few months ago, I was losing hope in humanity. I didn't think people were capable of selflessness anymore. Everyone seemed too consumed in their own lives. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have so many people helping me. I have more friends than I ever imagined. I have countless people I can call on, day or night. People I barely know have reached out to me in my moments of greatest need. None of you are required to care for me yet you do.

There are no words, in any language, to describe my gratefulness. It doesn't even come close but, Thank you!

Unanswered Questions

It's been just over 3 weeks now. I am still very emotional and moody. I know I should look back at the progress I've made. If I look at the big picture, I can see that I've come a long way. Sometimes I feel stronger because of this experience but most of the time I just don't know what I feel.

In the beginning, I thought "I'll never be mad at Q for leaving me, it wasn't his choice." I guess in all reality, I'm not mad at him for leaving. Surprisingly though, I am angry with the things he did/didn't do while he was here. Mostly I find myself asking unanswerable questions.

Why wouldn't he tell his family & friends how serious we were? Was it because he wasn't as serious about us as I thought? Why wouldn't he consider other options for the path our relationship could take? Why did it take him so long to call me a pet name? How could he talk about having babies with me but wouldn't talk about marrying me? Did he really love me as much as I loved him? What was he waiting for?

I'm sure this all goes back to me feeling hurt and confused. I'm not thinking rationally. It wasn't so long ago that I wrote about knowing he loved me. What happened to my certainty? I wish I could know what he was thinking. I want to know what his plan for us was.

I remember the first time I told him I wanted to spend my life with him. He asked me, "How can you be sure?" I told him all the reasons I was sure and he didn't say a word. It made me wonder, wasn't he sure? He second guessed everything he did, I liked that about him but I hoped I would be the exception. Maybe I was naive, maybe it was the little girl in me wishing for a fairy tale.

I know that I come as a package deal. I know that a little boy can be a big undertaking. I know it's a big decision. But he seemed to really enjoy being a father figure. Ugh! The problem with this whole thing is that I will never know. I have lost my love, best friend and confidant. Anytime I had doubts about anything, he would help me deal with it. He always knew the right thing to say.

At the risk of sounding sappy, this is not how I had planned my life to be. Now to sound like my son, this really isn't fair.

Memorial

This video was done by Cory's sister, Renee. Cory is Quinn's best friend. A big thanks to her for putting this together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_V8eVFJdWw

If the link doesn't work just copy and paste the url into your address bar.

Can't Think Straight

So much for being numb and in control. I think I've gone through every possible emotion since my last post. I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want. It's almost as if I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I cannot settle on one thought at a time. Every single thought/emotion I have is conflicting. For example, I know Q didn't choose to leave me but I'm still mad that he didn't keep his promise of staying by my side. I'm not talking about being mad and then progressing to a logical thought. I'm literally having both thoughts at the same time.

I don't understand anything anymore. I want to rewind life, I want to fast forward life. I want to run away. I want to be surrounded by people. I want to be left alone. I am in a room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs, yet no one can see me. I am grateful for people trying to understand but angry because most people never could. I listen to songs and become furious. Like, To Where You Are by Josh Groban. If he knew what this really feels like he wouldn't be able to sing that song. Then the next minute the song soothes me.

I don't understand why bad things happen to good people. Why did Q have to leave? He wasn't doing anything wrong. Why can a 14 year old get pregnant but a husband and wife have to go through hell to have a baby? Why do some people live in miserable marriages for years and I don't even get one year of the marriage I wanted? Why, why, why?

I am jealous. I'm hurt and angry. I'm lonely and confused. I'm stuck in an awkward place between girlfriend and wife. I'm stuck there because I was trying to be responsible, patient, understanding. The week before he died I told my girlfriend that I was, "trusting in the process." Ugh! The thought of it just makes me sick. It is not fair. I know I sound like a kid throwing a tantrum but I don't care.

On top of it all, I have to be strong for my sweet little boy. Do you know how hard it is to be patient when you can't control your own emotions?! I find myself snapping at him, he doesn't deserve that. He is being a trooper. Amazingly he has been able to take my outbursts with a grain of salt and love me anyway. He has had such a hard time and now he has a crazy mommy. He's been acting out some so I ask him to try to vocalize what he's feeling but I don't even know how to do that.

This is not the real me. How long till I become me again? Will I ever be me again? You know that line in The Princess Bride? When Princess Buttercup has been kidnapped by The Dread Pirate Roberts. He's asking her how long it took to become engaged after her love died. She says, "I died that day!" I used to think she was being a drama queen about it but I don't anymore. A huge part of me died that day, a part of me that I'll never get back.

Gone but Not Forgotten
by Kelsey Y. Sheppard

You were so full of life,
Always smiling and carefree,
Life loved you being a part of it,
And I loved you being a part of me.
You could make anyone laugh,
If they were having a bad day,
No matter how sad I was,
You could take the hurt away.
Nothing could ever stop you,
Or even make you fall,
You were ready to take on the world,
Ready to do it all.
But God decided he needed you,
So from this world you left,
But you took a piece of all of us,
Our hearts are what you kept.
Your seat is now empty,
And it's hard not to see your face,
But please always know this,
No one will ever take your place.
You left without a warning,
Not even saying good-bye,
And I can't seem to stop,
Asking the question why?
Nothing will ever be the same,
The halls are empty without your laughter,
But I know you're in Heaven,
Watching over us and looking after.
I didn't see this coming,
It hit me by surprise,
And when you left this world,
A part of me died.
Your smile could brighten anyone's day,
No matter what they were going through,
And I know everyday for the rest of my life,
I'll be missing you.

Going Through The Motions

I have hit plateau of sorts. Everyday is similar to Ground Hog's Day. I wake up and move through my day in a kind of daze. I'm going on auto pilot. There are still moments each day that I feel either happy or sad but I've become mostly numb. I guess it is better than constant aching but I long for the happiness I felt before. I feel stagnant even though I'm sure progress is being made. As a result of numb emotions, I've hit a writing wall. I cannot form the words in my head to describe my thoughts and feelings. So, as a solution, I will let others form the words for me. I plan to include poems or songs that have touched me in some way.

This first poem really caught my eye. It was almost like hearing Quinn speak directly to me.

Letter from Heaven
To my dearest family some things I'd like to say...
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay,
I'm writing this from Heaven. Here I dwell with God above
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you"

"It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone,
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you . . in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It always was my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and in pain,
then you can say to God at night..."My day was not in vain"
And now I am contented...that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is feeling sad and low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind

And when it's time for you to go . . from that body to be free,
Remember you're not going . . you're just coming here to me.
-Ruth Ann Mahaffey-
Copyright 1998

Regaining Control

Today is a much better day for me. I think the shock of losing Quinn is starting to fade. I don't wake up thinking he'll be next to me anymore. I am able to look at text messages without a twinge of pain because it's not from him. I am beginning to adjust to a life alone. Happiness is a long way off though.

I still miss him terribly. Nothing is as fun without him. I still wish I could change things somehow. I want my old life back but now I'm beginning to accept that it just isn't possible. I am sure I'm just at the peak of the roller coaster. I would be foolish to think I'm in the clear. I will plummet downward again but I am enjoying this moment.

I've decided to try and pull myself together. I've talked about feeling as if I have no control. I now realize that I may not have control over everything but I can control some things. I took the advice of grief experts and went to the gym.

It was heavenly! Ok, it wasn't so heavenly in the moment I was working out but now I feel great. I left the gym last night feeling like myself. I was in control for the first time in weeks. No one could tell me how to run or for how long. No one stopped me from working the muscles I wanted to work. No one could keep me from going inside my head and pushing forward. I think I have found a release and I'm loving it.

No Escape

Even with everything that has been going on, I had an escape route. Sleep. I could have a horrible day but when I went to bed I was fine. For the first time in my life, I slept peacefully. I was going all night without any dreams. I would wake up and feel like I could keep going in this marathon we call life.

A few days ago I started dreaming again. I suppose I didn't mind, I could see myself getting back to normal. Although, there is one problem with the normal me. All my life I have had horrible nightmares. It was only a matter of time, right?

I kept dreaming that I knew he would die and I couldn't do anything about it. Each time I woke myself up. It didn't matter though. I would go back to sleep and have the same type of dream only with different circumstances. Each time I tried to save him and each time I failed. I would try to keep him locked up in the house, or take him far away but something always happened.

I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. The whole day felt off. My emotions were so raw. I could barely finish a task without crying or getting angry over stupid things. Even now, several days later, I keep playing the dreams in my head. I cannot get away from the feeling of helplessness.

I can't get away from it because I do feel helpless. I feel as if I have no control over my life. I guess none of us have control. Like most people, I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought knew what my life was going to be like, how it would turn out. I thought wrong. All it takes is a split second for it all to change. I feel as if I've been punched in the face. My head is still spinning from the force of it.

I guess I can take this experience and use it to my advantage. Maybe I'll be more prepared if things don't go as I plan. Maybe I'll become less of a control freak. Hopefully I'll be able to roll with the punches. I have always been too much of a planner.

Every Second

Today I'm having a hard time dealing with the should have, could have, would haves. I am trying to stay in control of it. The last thing I need is regrets. The thoughts still creep in though.

I keep imagining what I would have done differently that last morning had I known. If I would have asked him to stay home. If I would have kissed him longer, held him tighter. Told him I loved him one more time. Every second of that day has come under scrutiny. I could make myself crazy if I dwell on it.

I guess that's the nature of the beast. My logical side is saying, "There's nothing you could have done." I think that if I had known, my actions would not mean as much. They would have seemed desperate and superficial. I am grateful for the last moments we had together. My emotional side doesn't want to hear anything about logic though. No, no, no. It says "Maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would still be here with you." "Maybe" is repeating like a broken record.

Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to command two completely different armies in the same war. I can't stay on either side for too long. I can't just ignore one side either. In order to stay sane, I need to give each sides equal consideration.

However, I do know something that is helping me get through it. I know Quinn loved me. Not because he had to but for who I am. He knew I loved him for who he was too. I have been able to find peace in that knowledge. We didn't say those three words very often. We chose instead to show our love through our actions. Because we didn't say "I love you" everyday, it meant more. The sound of it was sweeter because it was rare.

The bottom line is, I would not give up a single second we had together. I've had people ask, "If you knew then, what you know now, would you do it all again?" Absolutely! Yes, this hurts. Yes, I want him back. Yes, I wish we could've grown old together. But through it all, every ounce of agony, every tear, every single hellish moment is worth it.

I am better because he loved me. I have a vision for my future because of him. I am a better mother because of his example. I know how to take care of myself now. His love gave me strength to overcome my weaknesses. I can't ever go back to the old me. That person doesn't even exist anymore. She walked out the door the moment I met Quinn.

I hope that after reading this, you will make sure your family knows how you feel about them. Live every single day making sure they know you love them. Too often we take our stress out on our family. We give the best version of ourselves to the rest of the world. Something positive needs to come out of this. Make your family stronger in honor of Quinn.

Welcome to Crazy Town

Everything I've read about grieving says to expect the unexpected. Feel what you are feeling and don't worry about what's normal. Everyone responds differently. Blah, blah, blah. Not one of them says anything about feeling like a mental patient.

I expected to have roller coaster emotions. I knew I would have both good and bad days. I didn't know that I would have good-bad-good-normal-bad-good days. I have now entered crazy town!

Yesterday was horrendous! I woke up mad as a hornet and it went downhill from there pretty quickly. Not surprising considering everything going on right now. Imagine my delight when I woke up this morning rested and relatively happy. The dark rain cloud that had followed me yesterday was gone. Today was getting better too. I had no trouble getting to work, people were treating me like normal again, everything was going great.

I don't know what happened. By late-morning I was unhappy. I had gone from rested and cheerful to scrooge. Then, just as quickly as before, I was really happy. It was like a bi-polar episode. I started to feel normal again and then scrooge was back. Right now I'm feeling fine again. I'm back to the normal me, for the moment anyway.

I am beginning to wonder, did Aliens abduct me in the night and implant a crazy gene? In all seriousness though, this is really not cool. First, what the crap?! Second, why doesn't anyone tell you about feeling like this? Third, what the crap?! And fourth, how do I make it stop?

It is probably my lack of patience, but I'm ready to get off this train. I know time will solve everything and I was fine with that. I don't know how fine I am with it now that I've turned into someone I don't even recognize though. Doesn't my body know that I can only handle one mood at once?

I guess I'll just add this to the list of things to expect. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. It's all part of the process. This sucketh!

Dictionary of Becky
Sucketh - Slang. Sucking on a biblical level

First Time for Everything

After the first night, I was emotionally drained. My body ached and my head was pounding. I couldn't think, eat or drink. I kept crying. I wanted to stop crying but no matter what I did I couldn't. Because I hadn't eaten the night before my Aunt decided to take me for breakfast. The thing about that was, I didn't want to go anywhere I had been with Quinn. My family was running down the list of quick breakfast ideas but I didn't want any of it. Finally someone mentioned Einstein's bagels. I said "We never went there, I can eat that".

After choking down a bagel, my brother came to give me a priesthood blessing. I cannot express how much it helped me. It didn't take away the suffering, but it took the edge off. I felt like I could breathe again, I was able to sit still. My body stopped shaking. I had the overwhelming feeling that there was a reason for everything. I felt that even if I didn't understand it right then, I would someday. I could trust in a greater plan. The darkness that had surrounded me the night before lifted.

I started to notice milestones. Granted, they were teeny-tiny milestones. It was a big deal for me to do small things that we had done together. I drank my first Dr. Pepper & Pepsi and I felt accomplished. I was able to eat Cafe Rio and pizza. I held on to every one of those milestones. I discovered that if I took things one second at a time I could handle it. I remember saying things like, "I've gone 5 whole minutes without crying". For me, 5 minutes felt more like a year.

It was the smallest things that made me feel better that first few days. It was also the small things that would send me spiraling downward again. I remember feeling pretty good and then I looked at the clock. It had been 24 hours since the accident. I fell apart. We went to get flowers to take to the crash site so I bought a single rose. (Quinn always gave me a single rose) Of course I fell apart again, right in the middle of the flower section. I saw a commercial for a movie we had plans to see. It took everything I had to keep it together. I couldn't let myself be the girl who cries over a commercial.

The hardest thing was having to tell Parker. He had been camping with his dad for the weekend. I am so grateful that he had been gone. I do wish that Parker had more time with Quinn before he passed but I needed the time to grieve alone so I could be stronger for him. Parker is so lucky to have a wonderful father named Dan. He stayed and helped me tell Parker. Parker was able to have both parents hold him when he cried. Quinn had been Parker's best friend. I will never be able to repay Dan for being there emotionally when I couldn't. He picked up the slack, held Parker and made sure he felt loved.

Once we started planning the memorial things got better. I was doing something for Quinn. It was nice to have something else to focus on. I am so, so, so grateful to the Falk family for letting me be a part of the process. I started making it almost an hour before I needed to cry. Each day I cried less often. By the memorial service I was a functional human being again.

I wish I remembered more about that first week. I had so many conversations that have become blended together. I will always remember what was most important about that week. All the love that people freely gave me. So many people went out of their way to let me know they cared. Complete strangers told me they were praying for me. I have accomplished so many firsts and I have many more to overcome. Thanks to all you have done, I know I can make it through this. For that, I cannot thank you all enough!

New Chapter

I chose the description of "Each Chapter is a New Beginning" for my blog because I really do try to see change as an opportunity for new beginnings. I had no idea how true that statement was until now. I thought the chapters in life slowly molded and shifted to be something new, that change was a gradual thing. Up until now that is how it had been for me. I often became frustrated that change didn't happen fast enough. I was always looking forward instead of looking at what I had in that moment.

A little over a week ago I was given an awakening. It was one I never wanted but it came just the same. I started this blog to document my thoughts and I plan to continue. I want to document my personal grieving process. I hope that it will help me heal. So here we go.

When I woke up Saturday, June 26th I was in bliss. I was living in my first healthy relationship and things were progressing at a perfect pace. I had just moved in, we celebrated our first year together, we started talking marriage and future children, we were making big plans to open a business and complete our home together.

The late morning and early afternoon was filled with errands. We were being silly, laughing and joking. We went to lunch and talked about going four-wheeling. By 2pm Quinn was getting ready to go to work, I was making a list of things we needed from the store. It was business as usual.

He left for work and I started getting things done. I had wondered why he hadn't texted me but chalked it up to a turbulent flight. Just after 6pm I got the call. I remember his brother telling me the plane had crashed. He said something like "They can't identify the body". My heart broke. Suddenly Quinn went from being my sweetheart to being a "body". I don't remember many other specifics, just crying and screaming. I somehow drove to my parent's house. We went to the airport and it slowly became real.

In those first few moments it is amazing the things I was worried about. I had forgotten to turn the A/C off before running out the door. I kept saying how Quinn would be upset that I had left in on. I just kept hoping that he would be fine. I felt that if I could get there, I could fix it. That somehow my presence would heal him.

After talking to the police and seeing the crash site it was clear that my life would never be the same again. All the hopes and dreams I had for our future no longer existed. I felt lost, abandoned, empty, scared, confused. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand, I couldn't do anything but sob. I remember pulling it together to call my boss but I lost it again after I had to say "My boyfriend just died". That night was indescribably dark. It was filled with despair. I was going through my hell.

The next 24 hours were a blur. Family and friends came from all over to be with me. People were calling, emailing and doing everything they could to help. There must have been a trillion tears that night. A million prayers, thousands of I love yous, hundreds of hugs. Looking back I am so touched. I am very lucky to have so many people that love me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! All of you that sent good thoughts my way, prayed for us, loved us when we needed it the most. Words could never express how much you did to get me through that first night.

What Are They Thinking?

Ok, so I've tried to stay away from all the celeb drama but I'm getting really fed up.

Let me get this straight, if I become famous or rich I can do whatever I want whenever I want with no consequences? No, you say? Why not? All the famous and rich people seem to think so.

I know I'm taking a dramatic approach here but really, it's getting to be a not-so-funny joke. We've got everybody and their dog committing some sort of tax fraud. All the men can't seem to keep it in their pants. And all the women are boozing it up without any underwear on.

I tend to think that we inadvertently support their behavior. Of course we wouldn't actually stand up and say "Ya, I think it's great so-and-so did this or that" but we certainly don't do what we can to make it stop. We buy into the controversy by reading the articles about it, or going to see their latest film/tournament to see if they choke under pressure. We continue to be their fans as long as they say "I'm sorry" and claim some sort of addiction. When did we let this happen?

When did it become ok to rape someone because you are famous? Or womanize every girl you come in contact with? Or cheat the financial system? Or abuse hotel staff? Or spread false rumors about good people? I could keep going for hours but I won't. I am aware that Joe-shmoe's do all these things too, but the media doesn't defend them. They do defend the rich and famous while we sit at home at accept it as status quo.

I for one, am tired of staying silent. I am tired of watching our world go down the toilet because the "little person" has no voice. I am officially making a voice for myself. If you are a sports, tv, movie, reality star or a politician and you do any of the things I mentioned before, I will not be a "fan". I won't see your movie, I won't vote for you, I won't watch your tv shows. I will scream at the top of my lungs (or blog) that your behavior is unacceptable. Maybe you won't hear me, maybe no one will, but I will feel better about myself for stating what I think. Maybe, just maybe, someone will hear me and make a voice for themselves. If we all stood up and said that we thought they were out of line maybe something would change. Perhaps our children will not need to witness the moral chaos that is the current trend.

Confession Time

It's that time again. Time to brighten Wednesday's everywhere with my brilliant and random thoughts. Actually, this may turn into more of a vent session but I'll try to keep it light.
- I am a cat person, dogs are great if they are not mine
- I vote for a 5 day weekend and a 2 day work week
- I hate when I help people only to have them take advange of my kindness
- I don't get being a "typical" girl (fake laughs, lies and general manipulation)
- If I ask a question I want the truth, if I don't want to know I won't ask ("How do I look?"..."Fat, ugly stupid, etc." Instead of "You look great!")
- If you ask me something, I will be honest.
- I don't understand the 10 degree temperature difference between men and women, I'm frickin freezing people! (My office is mostly men)
- I need to learn to stand up for myself
- I hate the idea of someone not liking me, seriously, I have major anxiety about it
- I feel cool driving my awesome car
- I will probably never stop saying the word retarded, sorry if this offends you
- I just turned around to do something and forgot what it was mid-turn
- It really bugs me when SAHMs complain about staying home, I would trade places anyday
- I want to try skydiving but just thinking about it makes me pee a little
- I have absolutely no idea how to raise a kid, just kind of wingin it
- Banana cake sounds heavenly right about now
- I need to go get a passport picture but I haven't because I want my hair to look good in it, lame!
- Going out to eat is my financial weakness
I can't think of anything else so I guess that's it for this week. Till next time!

CPR

Ok, I am officially reviving this Blog. CPR here we come!!! What better way to revive a blog than trying something new? I have seen a few people doing a weekly confessional. I think I'm going to try it but be warned, I am generally a very random person.

Confession Time :)

- I secretly wish I had thicker lips. Not Angelina style, more like Anne Hathaway

- I love old music! Think Bing Crosby & Louis Armstrong

- I try to be a realist but I am actually a hopeless romantic. Shocking I know!

- I, along with every other mother on the planet, think my son is the cutest ever

- I eat peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon, yum!

- I can't stand girls who pretend to be dumb to get a guy

- I desperately want more friends but I'm too chicken to go out and make any

- I have a love/hate relationship with sleep

- I could watch "How It's Made" 24/7

- I look like my Mother and surprisingly, I don't mind at all

I know, I didn't include anything earth shattering but it'll have to do for my first confession. Maybe next time I'll put in juicier things. Till next time.